“Is the shower broken?”
She shakes her head. “You know that pink soap ball—I saw it on the counter just before I hopped in the shower. And curiosity just kind of overtook me. I was hoping it’d turn this thing pink.” She holds up her left hand, flashing the diamond. “But alas, soap chemicals are inferior to shiny rock.” Her eyes flicker nervously to Ryke who stares at her, unflinching. “This is awkward.”
“Not for me,” Ryke replies.
She points to Connor, who still covers his eyes. “You’re making Connor uncomfortable,” she tells me. “You have done the impossible.”
“I’m not uncomfortable, Lily,” Connor says. “I’m just not looking forward to the two hour lecture from your sister about female privacy.” But he must know what I’m trying to do because he stays here, and when he lowers his hand, he nods to me like I’m doing something right.
Lily pales a little, realizing Connor is not going anywhere. “Don’t you think you can give me more privacy if you went in the other room?”
“Believe me, you don’t want to know what I think right now.”
Her eyes flit around the room again. She knows she’s been caught, but she won’t admit it. Normally, I’d yell, maybe say a few encouraging words, and then dial Allison’s number so she could give Lily a proper lecture. But yelling does nothing, and Allison isn’t her therapist anymore.
I know what I have to do.
“You have an exam to get to,” I remind her. “So why don’t you finish what you started and then we’ll head on out.”
She blinks a couple times. “What-what are you talking about?”
“Finish up and then we’ll leave,” I repeat, unwilling to clarify. She has to admit it herself.
“I’m done, so can you hand me that towel?”
“You’re done?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure?”
“I don’t smell like garbage anymore, so I call it a bathing success.”
“Maybe you misunderstood me,” I say dryly. “Finish f**king yourself.” I’m angrier than I thought. In my head, I meant to say finish pleasing yourself but my mouth had a different agenda.
Her eyes bug in horror, and I refuse to back down. Stay strong. Be tough. She doesn’t need a hug or to be coddled anymore.
“Can I talk to you alone?” she asks, refusing to look at the two guys that make this situation really f**king uncomfortable. That’s the point though. This isn’t allowed to be easy for her.
“No,” I snap. “I know what you were doing. You know what you were doing. And Connor and Ryke do too. It’s not a f**king secret.”
Her nose dips below the water, and in seconds, she’s about to submerge to hide from us. I reach out, and put my hand underneath her arm, holding her upright to face her problem.
She stares dazedly at the bubbles and a part of me wants nothing more than to climb into the bath and pull her into my arms. To hug her and tell her that everything is going to be okay. But that’s how it begins. She self-medicates her sadness and anxiety with sex, and I let her do it too many times before. I have watched this girl fall into the cycle of addiction, and she’s jumping onto those tracks again.
“I can’t be around you twenty-four-seven,” I tell her. “You have to figure this out, Lil. You can’t masturbate.” How many times do I have to say the words for her to understand them? How many times did I have to hear no more booze to fully accept it? It never gets easier. This is going to be a long-term battle. And I’m prepared to be there for her every f**king step of the way. Even if she wants to drown in this water, I’m going to pull her back up until she’s healthy. Until she can stand on her own two feet.
“You don’t understand,” she starts.
“Lo,” Connor cuts in. “If we don’t leave soon, she’s going to be late for her test.”
I nod and then grab the black cotton towel off the rack. “Turn around,” I tell Ryke, since Connor has already shifted his view.
When Ryke faces the wall, Lily stands, and I wrap the towel around her. “Get dressed and talk,” I say roughly, reminding her I’m still mad.
I lead her into the bedroom and look back to Connor and Ryke. “Can you two check the bathroom for p*rn and toys?” I ask them. “Destroy the room if you have to.”
Ryke looks a little too excited to f**k with my shit.
I follow Lily into the walk-in closet. “What don’t I understand, Lil?” I ask as I kneel and push past her shoes, grabbing a large black metal case.
“It helps me. I just needed one minute. That’s it…” Her words trail as she slowly pulls on her underwear and bra. It’s hard not to look. Her frame has always been small and wiry, something I’m attracted to. But when she spins around to search for a pair of pants, I have a clear view of her bare back. Her shoulder blades jut out and her ribs are almost visible by her waist. She’s been losing weight again.
“Have you been forgetting to eat?” I ask. She used to do that a lot. Sex occupied her mind more than necessary things—like bathing and eating. If I didn’t force her to shower, she’d smell like sex for a whole week. It’s not that she doesn’t want to get fat. I think she’d prefer to be curvier. She just literally forgets.
She sidesteps to look at herself in the full-length mirror, and her face slowly falls. “Oh…” She tries to squeeze that inch of fat she was so proud she gained, but she can barely grab at the tight skin on her belly. “Shit.”
She avoids my gaze as she zips up her jeans.
“It’s not because I’m into self-love again, I promise,” she tells me. “I’ve ruined everything for everyone, and it’s the only thing that makes me feel better anymore. I don’t have any good distractions like you. I don’t have any morning runs, and I’m not about to start a company. School ends in a week, and I just need something for myself.”
“If you’re trying to convince me to let you masturbate, it’s not working,” I snap. “It’s not going to happen, Lil.” I stand to my feet, the black case in my hands. I bought it for her birthday last year. She used to keep all her toys in this worn Victoria’s Secret box. At the time, I thought it was a great present, now I’m ready to light it on fire.
When she finishes dressing, her eyes fall to the case in my hands. “What are you doing with that?”
“I’m throwing it away.”
Her head whips back and forth, and she tries to tug the case from me in desperation. “You said we could still use them,” she pleads. “Together, I mean. Not by myself. I won’t ever use them by myself.” It’s true, that I kept them, intending to use them on her when she was ready. But I don’t know if she’ll ever be ready, and leaving them here for a what if isn’t worth the risk.
“They’re not staying.”
She tries to bring the case to her chest, but I hold it firm in my hand and shoot her a look. “We’re not five-years-old fighting over a f**king comic book,” I tell her. “If this was a bottle of Maker’s Mark, what would you want me to do?”
Her eyes widen at the comparison and she suddenly lets go.
“I’m sorry.” It sounds more like an impulse than something sincere.
“I don’t accept your apology.”
Her mouth drops, and I point between us. “Me and you,” I say. “We’re in a fight. And if you don’t start listening to me, we’re going to have serious problems, Lily. I’m holding up my end. I haven’t touched a drink. You have to start holding up yours.” Though I know it’s harder in a different way, but the p*rn and the masturbating shouldn’t be her big issues. It should be the actual sex.
She stares at me for a long moment, and I wonder what she actually heard of my speech. “We’re in a fight?” she asks, shock and hurt crossing her face.
I knew I shouldn’t have started with that.
“Yeah, how does it feel?” It doesn’t happen often.
She looks panic-stricken and I realize that the fear of losing me…of losing us is what really motivates her. She motions to the case. “Burn it. Do what you need to do.” She shoves it against my chest and tries to push me out the door. I force myself not to smile because the “tough love” is actually working. I’d rather not ruin it with a momentary grin.
“No masturbating,” I tell her again.
She nods wildly. “I know. None. Not at all. Scouts honor.” She holds up three fingers. I don’t believe her completely, but at least she’s come around from denying it.
Now I just have to bring her to the exam on time.
{ 39 }
LILY CALLOWAY
I don’t have time to think about my fight with Lo, being caught by all three guys, or the fact that paparazzi sprung up like woken zombies as soon as I arrived on campus. Someone leaked my class schedule to the press, and I sprinted into the building to avoid them.
I’m going to fail the exam anyway, but Lo and Connor would never let me skip. I leave the guys in the lobby to wait, and I jog up the staircase to the second floor. My plan is to slip into the back of the auditorium before anyone can see me. I’ll take the test, turn it in, and leave. How hard can that be?
I swing the door open and stop cold at the top of the auditorium-style room. All three-hundred students are already nestled in their seats while TAs walk up the aisles to pass out the exams.
I’m late.
And there’s no open seat anywhere in sight. Oh wait…
I spot one in the middle aisle of the middle row. There’s not much room to squeeze past people, and I imagine disturbing everyone as I hop over thirty bodies to reach my seat. I don’t want to be that person. Everyone always gives the late-arrival dirty looks, and since I’ve been on the news for the past couple of weeks, I can’t imagine the looks being the normal kind of dirty. They’d be dirty with an extra pinch of malice.
My throat goes dry and my palms turn clammy. I’m about to sprint out and make up some lame excuse to Lo, but the professor notices my lingering presence.
“Miss Calloway,” he calls.
I freeze, and like a tsunami, all three-hundred bodies rotate to set their inquisitive gazes on me. If this is what being an actress feels like, I want no part of it.
“Come see me down here, please.” The professor motions for me.
I suck in a shallow breath and descend the carpeted stairs, trying to avoid all the eyes. Not even halfway there, some guy coughs into his hand. On the second cough, I hear “whore.”
That’s original.
Two more steps and someone else calls me a skank, louder this time. I glance towards the noise and I see a girl elbowing the guy in the ribs.
Five more steps and the voices start to rise as people talk to their friends.
“All right, settle down,” the professor tells them.
“Go back to Penn!” a guy yells. Voices escalate and cheer in agreement.