Do I care that I’m in a parking lot while my boyfriend’s finger-fucking me? In my world, complicated questions have very simple answers. No, I don’t care. I wouldn’t care if the owner of the bar walked up and banged on the door. At this point, I’d probably ask him to watch, if not join in.
“Come on, baby girl. Say it,” Brock demands, his breathing ragged, his strokes becoming faster, harder.
I moan, one hand sinking through his hair, the other resting on his thigh for support as I continue to pound down onto him. Brock growls, his mouth abandoning mine, attacking the sensitive flesh where my shoulder and neck meet. He plunges in a third finger, and my pussy clenches in response, my body melting. I can’t breathe, can’t think. All I can do is feel. Feel every inch of the numbness I crave seeping from my pores and deadened spirit, awakening something dark, but still awakening . . . life.
Brock breathes heavily against my cheek. “Say it, Amber. Fucking say it.”
Pussy drenched and a mere heartbeat away from losing my mind in an orgasm on his fingers, I pull Brock’s face to mine and latch my lips to his. I bite down, drawing a small amount of blood into my mouth. The heavenly copper taste washes over my tongue with our frenzied kiss.
Brock hisses but continues his mind-fucking assault. “Jesus, Amber. Say it. That’s all I need to hear.”
“You already did this with Ryder and Hailey,” I pant, tearing my mouth from his. “You said she meant nothing to you. What would make me think I’m not going to turn into the same thing?”
His fingers slow, and before I can blink, he removes them from me. Sighing, he pulls me down to him and rests his forehead against mine. “Because I’d die without you. That’s why. She was a mistake, something I can never erase. But you . . . Christ, Amber, you’d never become a mistake to me. It’s impossible. Ryder was right; you are a gift. One neither of us deserves. But you’re one we’d treasure, making sure to take care of your every mental and physical need.” He drags his lips to mine, kissing me soft, deep. “I fucking love you, Ber. You’re the purest air that I have around me. I need you to breathe, to wake up. To just . . . exist. You’re my lifeline. That’s what you are and will always be to me. I need you to know that.”
“But people don’t share someone they love,” I whisper, still confused by what he’s asking of me and even more confused that I’m so intrigued by his proposal.
Are we both just one clusterfuck of a mess, or in some sick, demented way, did I cause this? Ignoring what I knew could harm us all, have my piteous existence and disgusting thoughts for Ryder become the culprit in Brock fearing he’ll lose me unless he shares me?
“Am I right?” I cup his cheeks, tears stinging my eyes. “If you love someone, you don’t share them. You wouldn’t want to. I mean, you’re the first man I’ve ever felt anything for, so I have nothing to go on, but isn’t it bad that we’re even entertaining this thought at all?”
“Do you think I don’t love you?” His voice breaks, his gaze drilling into mine as he clenches my hips. “Because I do, Amber. Fuck, I love you with everything in me.”
I shake my head and press my lips to his. “I know you love me, I do, but I’m trying to understand the suddenness of this. You never told me this is what you wanted. I’m just . . . confused, Brock. Confused about how I feel. Confused for you, for us. That’s all.”
He stares at me, his thumbs kneading slow circles on my hips as I wait for him to say something. Seconds, minutes, hours crawl by. I don’t know how long, but the silence is killing me.
“I kissed Ryder again,” I whisper, my spine stiffening the second the confession falls from my mouth.
Face a brick of placidness, Brock swallows, his eyes never leaving mine.
“You said no more lies. A clean slate for us. I . . . I don’t want to lie to you anymore, Brock. I can’t.” I pull in a ragged breath and climb off him, praying my cleansing doesn’t bathe him in hatred for me. Hands shaking, I twine our fingers together. “I went to his apartment back in September. It was the day I thought he’d said something to Hailey about my parents. His sister was there, and he was helping her. I got tangled up in the emotions of everything. He tried to stop it, he honestly did, but I wouldn’t let him. It just . . . happened.”
Remaining silent, Brock fires up the engine and pulls out of the parking lot. With not a single word spoken between us, by the time we get to my dorm, I feel as though the only good thing ever to happen to me is about to vanish in the disarray of my life. I want to stop thinking, stop the loud clatter clogging my head. No matter how sweet they start off, lies will forever wind up bitter in the end.
As I grip Brock’s hand tighter, I can’t help but acknowledge that this may be our end.
CHAPTER 13
Brock
I KNEW SHE’D KISSED him.
Felt it in my fucking bones, in the center of my chest.
Parked in front of Amber’s dorm, I glance at her, my heart dropping into my balls as I stare into her beautiful, confused eyes. Those eyes caught me off guard the second I saw them. They blinded me, their sorrow calling out to me like a fucking banshee. It was then I knew that no matter the cost—no matter who or what I had to give up—I had to make her mine.
She’s holding my hand like her life depends on it, guilt for giving in to what she craved shadowing her face.
Christ. What the fuck have I done to this girl? Like a dick, I’ve corroded her mind, tossing out some pretty heavy shit. I can’t deny a part of me is pissed that she kissed Ryder again. Hell, I’d let her kiss whoever she wanted to if it made her happy, but I told her she wasn’t allowed to further indulge in him without my permission.