This wasn't how it was supposed to be. We had been happy.
I loved Andrew. I couldn't help it; I had loved him since I first kissed him walking home from school. It hurt more than anything to think that he could give us up. That he, of all people, couldn't see past my mistake. I was going to lose not only the love of my life, but my best friend too. I buried my head in my hands and cried, not caring if a passerby stared.
Chapter 13
The fire roared, asserting its dominance as it threw its greedy hand skyward with triumph. Light and shadow danced as the fire pressed forward, never stopping, never ceasing. Its hunger grew with every tree it consumed and with every blade of grass it devoured.
***
I sat under the shade of a tree for I don't even know how long. Time lost meaning, my world ticking by on the regular interval of screams emitted from the happy people on the coaster. I watched happy couples stroll by, hand in hand. Families with children skipped by. Teenagers giggled with friends. Laughter was everywhere but in my dark little corner.
"Holly?" Ray's voice cut through the fog in my head like headlights. I looked up, knowing my face was tear-stained and miserable. Mascara lined the collar of my shirt from me wiping my eyes. "Holly, are you okay?"
I shook my head no, not trusting my voice. My throat hurt from crying. I didn't think I had any more tears left in me. Ray came and sat next to me on the grass, close enough to hear me whisper but not touching. I noticed his face was pale; the handsomeness I had noted the other day was gone. He looked old and tired.
"I heard you and Andrew had a fight?" he said, staring straight ahead, his hands on his knees. I nodded, wrapping my arms around my drawn-up legs and curling up into a ball of misery.
"Me and Audrey too. Apparently, today was not a good day for any of us." He sighed and looked up at the sky. It seemed strange that it was still so beautifully blue even though we felt so terrible. "Audrey took Andrew home. I called Luke. He's going to come pick us up," he stated softly. A lone tear trickled down my cheek to join its friends. Nothing was going right today.
"Luke's mad at me too," I whispered. My voice hurt.
"I know. He said that you promised not to date Andrew. Well, at least he won't be mad about you dating him anymore," he said, trying to make fun of the situation. I just stared at him, my heart hurting too much to do anything else. Ray didn't know that this was exactly the situation we were trying to avoid all those years. His face fell back into sadness as he looked at me. "Sorry. I'm no good at this."
"Me neither," I said softly. A series of shrieks washed over us. "What happened with you and Audrey? I know you were arguing this morning about something, but it didn't seem that serious," I asked as I rested my head on my knee. It felt nice to have someone to talk to, even if it wasn't something pleasant to talk about.
"Old wounds. Yesterday, I asked her something she wasn't ready for. Today it blew up it my face. Again. Maybe I'll learn someday," he said with a sigh. "I don't really want to talk about it."
I nodded. I didn't want to talk about my problems with Andrew either. We sat there, both of us heartbroken and damaged in the grass, watching the world go by. We didn't speak again; we didn't need to. We both hurt, but it was less painful now that we had each other's company. We had a silent conversation, neither of us needing to speak but just needing to be heard. I was glad he was there.
Ray's phone rang. He actually had an old school phone sound as his ring-tone and something about that made me smile. It suited him.
"Luke's at the main gate. You ready?" he asked, getting slowly to his feet. He offered me a hand to stand. His grasp was warm and solid; it felt good to have a connection to the living world. I dusted myself off and followed him through the park, watching the happy people like they were an alien species I couldn't understand.
Luke was leaning against the passenger's side door of his beat-up Camry. My feet faltered. I didn't want to face him. Ray glanced quickly between us and mumbled something about needing a bathroom and darted off to find one. I stood exposed as Luke closed the distance between us. My heart rose into my throat, and I felt sick.
Luke wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. I stood still as a statue, my brain too confused to do anything else. After a moment he put both hands on my shoulders and ducked his tall frame down to look me in the eye. I felt too much shame to look at him.
"Holly, you know I can't stay mad at you when you've been crying." He bent lower, trying to make eye contact. "Come here. This, too, will turn out all right in the end," he said, pulling me in for another hug.
"I'm so sorry, Luke. I never meant for any of this to happen," I said in a broken voice.
"It's okay. I forgive you. I just didn't want any of us to get hurt," he murmured into my hair. I appreciated that he never said, "I told you so."
I sucked in a deep breath of the smell of him; it was comforting and familiar. Leather, sawdust, and something that was just Luke. My walls broke again, knowing that Luke, my big brother, would never let me fall. I sobbed into his chest, as he held me close, rocking gently and murmuring into my hair.
Luke slowly released me as my sobs subsided. I was now thoroughly drained. I just wanted to sleep. To sleep and wake up and have this be a bad dream. Luke guided me to the backseat of his car, since Ray was already in the passenger seat. He looked at me with eyes filled with empathy and compassion as Luke got in the driver's seat and started the car.
As we turned onto the highway, I could feel my eyes getting heavy. I didn't want to feel anymore, and sleep beckoned to me. I rested my head against the window, the world blurring quickly as I drifted off. I could hear the radio singing softly, my tired mind picking up on the familiar lyrics. Elton John's voice sang "Your Song" like he was in the car.
I heard Ray take a shaky breath and I could see tears on his face. His breathing was uneven as he switched the radio off and we drove in silence. I closed my eyes and prayed for sleep to come quickly. I was tired of hurting.
***
I'm sorry. Please call me.
I sighed. I had sent him that message every day for the past week and a half. He hadn't responded yet. I wanted to cry.
"You texting him again?" Luke leaned against the door frame to my back porch, sunlight streaming around him. My lips scrunched to the side as I nodded. I couldn't help the bitter expression. Luke crossed his arms. "You just have to give him some time. You dropped a bomb on him, and he is still trying to figure out what just happened. He'll come around."
"That's what you said last week. I just wish he would at least let me explain," I said with a pout, flipping my phone around in my hands.
"Holly, just give him time. He is hurting too," Luke said quietly. I put my phone in my pocket and walked outside. Luke's eyes followed me as I walked past him through the door, his arms still crossed.
It was beautiful outside. A perfect spring day in the beginning of May. The news ran stories every night about how little snow we had received this year, but it was hard to complain when it was so gorgeous outside. The sky turned bluer every day as the heat of summer approached. Even though it was only May, I was wearing short sleeved shirts. The sun felt deliciously warm on my skin as I leaned up against the railing and looked out at the pine trees. This summer was going to be miserable, though. I could already feel the dryness in the air, the grass turning browner instead of greener. I couldn't remember a spring this warm.
"Eli says it is so hot down in the city he has already turned on his air conditioning." Luke shook his head, talking about the weather as though he had read my mind. He stepped out onto the porch and sat down on the porch swing, his long legs bending awkwardly as he pushed himself back and forth.
"And they say global warming isn't real," I said, keeping my face straight. Luke rolled his eyes and stared off toward a group of aspen trees.
"You should come volunteer at the Fire Department pancake breakfast next week. It will be Tyler's last weekend here before Mom moves to California with him. He would love to hang out with you, and we need a few more people to dish pancakes. It would give you something more productive to do than text Andrew." He looked at me with his eyebrows raised. "It'll be fun!"
"Will you take me for a ride in the fire truck?" I asked hopefully.
"We are giving rides to all the kids who come. If you volunteer, I'll let you honk the horn," he bartered with a grin.
"Can I wear your fire hat?"
"Only if you save me extra pancakes."
"Done. Count me in." I smiled. Luke was right. It would be something better to do than sit around and wait for my life to return to normal. Time that I didn't have sit and think about Andrew. Besides, it was always fun to watch Luke and the other volunteer firefighters show the kids the trucks and drive around the neighborhood. I looked at Luke as he sat rocking on the swing, glad to have a friend like him to keep me busy. "Hey Luke, I'm glad we're okay again. I missed having you around," I said quietly.
"I missed you too. Don't think I'm not still a little miffed with you, but Tyler said I should forgive you. He says I can be a little over-protective." He looked up at me, his hazel eyes catching mine.
"Tyler's a smart kid. How's he doing with the whole moving thing?" I asked. Luke's face dimmed a little.
"He's putting on a brave face and trying to be optimistic about it. He really doesn't want to go. I'm trying to figure out some of this legal mumbo jumbo, but I haven't gotten very far. Dad's trying to get the lawyers to do something, but this divorce stuff is complicated," he said with a shrug.
"How's your mom?" I asked curiously.
"She's fine. I think she is starting to feel a little guilty about taking Tyler away from his friends. Unfortunately not guilty enough to change her mind. I'm going to keep working at her," he answered. He stared out at the trees, both of us listening to the wind for a moment.
"Are Ray and Audrey still fighting?" I asked. Shadow barked in the distance.
"Yup, worse than ever. I actually wanted to talk to you about that. My dad had a couple of beers the other night, and I found out why they broke up the first time," he whispered conspiratorially, leaning forward. I sat down next to him on the porch swing, interested in what could have torn them apart.
"I couldn't get much out of him, but my dad said something about Audrey wanting to be a party girl, and you know him. He isn't exactly the partying type," Luke said. I nodded. I had been surprised by the number of dates Audrey and Ray went on that involved going out on the town; he always struck me as reserved and kind of shy.
"So apparently in college, Audrey made some decisions that Dad didn't agree with. She didn't want to get married until she graduated. She wanted some space. Dad didn't want to wait anymore. They had a big fight and broke up. I didn't pry too much more because I was just glad to get him talking."
Luke paused for a moment, and then spoke slowly. "There's more, though. I've known for a while that I wasn't exactly planned. It didn't take a genius to figure it out, since I was born three months after Mom and Dad got married. What I didn't know is that Andrew wasn't exactly planned either."