Two words.
He’s dead.
I couldn’t believe it, I just couldn’t. June had to be lying. I tried to write him at the base again, but my letter was returned, saying they were sorry but no solider by that name was listed in active duty. When that letter came back it was then that I believed June and I shattered.
It was two weeks later that I lost our baby.
That was the day I lost all touch of reality and sunk into a deep depression filled black hole. I pushed everyone away when I lost that last piece of Ax I had left. I turned to alcohol and spent as much of my hours awake as possible drinking anything my underage hands could find. My grandparents were still dealing with the loss of my mom, and either they turned a blind eye to my behavior or they just didn’t notice. Either way, I was completely alone again, with no hope of Axel saving me this time.
It had been almost eight months later when Dee burst into my world and slowly brought me back to life. The rest is, as they say…history.
History I didn’t think I would have to deal with again.
I don’t know how much time I spent lying in bed, looking off at nothing, remembering those early days. By the time my stomach starts reminding me I need to eat, lunch has long since passed. I pull myself up, mentally dusting myself off and start off for the shower. I don’t want to be weak again, and I am determined to be strong; to deal with this new f**k you from fate. It is time to dump the old Izzy and start finding the girl I used to be.
Fifteen minutes later, I’m making the trek down to the kitchen, hoping to grab a quick bite to eat alone before I dive into my work. I have a few new clients that I need to email back; proposals to be approved and some sites that need routine maintenance work done. It is all pretty basic, but it will keep my mind busy and off of everything else swirling around me.
I had been working for a few hours when I hear the garage door open. “Damn,” I mutter, so much for having a nice peaceful afternoon. Someone coming in meant that I won’t be able to completely ignore life around me, which is just smashing. With an over dramatic sigh, I save and close out of the programs I have been working on, closing my laptop and straightening up all the paperwork I have scattered on the kitchen table.
Dee walks in, throwing me a sad smile right as I am pushing everything away. “Hey you, how are you feeling?” Ah, I was expecting her to at least attempt throwing her cheer at me. Guess even she understands how big last night was. Hesitation and this cloud of timid do not suit my friend.
“Better than last night, or at least I’m getting there.” I attempt a smile, but it feels forced. I’m sure it looks even worse because she gives a small flinch before sitting down next to me.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, and I respect that, really I do. We can figure this out later, and you know I won’t judge you at all if this is the way you want to play this. But, just let me say this and it will be the end of it until you’re ready, okay?” She doesn’t wait for me to answer, she knows what I would say if she did. “Here, he gave me this last night and…well, even though I’m not going to push, I think you should have this.” She reaches into her jacket pocket and pulls out a small white card, sliding it over in front of my seat. She stands, giving me a small hug and whispers in my ear, “I won’t push, Iz, but I think you need to do something with that.” A small smile later and she walks out of the room, leaving me scooting back from the small card like it holds the plague.
After a nice inner smack down, I finally reach out and flip the card over. It shouldn’t come as a shock, I knew what I would probably find when I did, but never the less I still spit out a rapid burst of air.
Holt Reid
Corps Security
770.555.6839
If anyone were watching me, they would think I have completely lost it. Every screw is loose and I am, not only off my damn rocker, but I am running far from it. Hysterical laughter bubbles up before I can suppress it. Wiping the tears from my eyes, trying to calm down, I finally focus back on that stupid, stupid card.
Holt. He will never be Holt to me. I sit there, I don’t know how long…hours, minutes, hell it could have been seconds, just looking at his name in the elegant script; trying to figure out exactly who Holt Axel Reid is today. Is he married? My heart skips a beat at the next thought that filters through my mind…does he have children? It’s a logical question; we aren’t those blind by love teenagers anymore. It made sense that he had moved on, I had…even if it had been a laughable move I made. Why does he even want to talk to me? He obviously decided a long time ago that he was done with me. Fate is being a huge f**king bitch by throwing us back in each other’s paths.
I stuff the card into the front pocket of my hoodie and pull my work out for the second time today; what can I say, me and denial are going to become best of buds.
Dee comes back a few hours later and asks if I want to order some take out for dinner. I could really care less but I tell her sure and to order whatever looks good. I know if I don’t at least act normal, or as normal as possible, she would start fretting and force me to talk. I am not ready. Four hours later, and two bottles of wine consumed between the two of us, I find myself sitting back in my girly room looking down at that small, white card again. Holt, Holt Reid. I’m sure the giggle that comes out this time sounds just as wonky as it did earlier, but I just can’t help it. How f**ked up was this whole thing. Holt…
It might be the stupidest decision that I have made in a long time, but I pick my phone up off the nightstand and slide my finger across the unlock screen. I add his stupid new name to my contacts and store his information. Opening up a new text screen and thinking what the hell, might as well, at least this way I don’t have to look into those brilliant green eyes.
Me: So, we go by Holt now, huh?
Axel ‘Holt’: Izzy?
Me: Ah, bingo…anyone else out there not know you as ‘Holt’?
Axel ‘Holt’: Plenty, Princess.
Me: No, I am not your Princess.
Axel ‘Holt’: Okay, so we are going to act like we’re still f**king kids? You texted me, IZZY, so you tell me what’s going?
Me: I am not acting like a child. I just don’t understand why you even bothered to ask me to contact you. I think we can both agree the past needs to just stay there…in the past.
Axel ‘Holt’: No, I don’t agree with that. Not at all. Where are you? I’ll come to you; we are not doing this over a f**king text.
Me: No, no. I don’t think that’s a good idea. If you’re dead set on dredging this back up, then fine, but we do this on my terms. I need to process this. I can’t just sift through all this in less than a day. You want to talk, fine…but not now.
Axel ‘Holt’: Process? What the hell is there to process? Where are you, Izzy? Not asking you again, and I am not f**king doing this text message shit like a goddamn prepubescent little shit.
I really should have known better. Sighing, I set my phone down. There really is no point in continuing to argue with him, I did what I wanted to do and I asked him to let me have my time. If he can’t respect that, then f**k him and closure be damned.
Ten minutes later my phones chimes. Then a minute later I hear the reminder beep, followed shortly by another chime. Damn.
Axel ‘Holt’: We will be talking about this Izzy. I know you, don’t you f**king forget that. I won’t let you just forget me like you did before.
Axel ‘Holt’: Understand me this, if you think you can just ignore me and ignore this, then you are up for a big wake up call. You want f**king time, fine. One week, that is all I’m willing to give. Next Saturday, I don’t care if I have to knock on every goddamn door in Georgia. I will find you and we will be having this talk. Got that?
Well, shit.
Me: One week, ‘Holt’, guess that’s going to have to be enough, isn’t it? I’ll let you know on Friday if I’m ready. Goodnight.
Axel ‘Holt’: If you call me Holt one more f**king time I’m bending you over my knees, yeah? I am not Holt to you, and you damn well f**king know it.
With a gasp of surprise at his audacity, I quickly turn my phone off and throw it across the room like it’s on fire. I definitely can’t deal with that.
Chapter 8
The next morning comes way too quickly but I wake with a new resolve that it will be a good day. I have to deal with Axel but I won’t be doing that today. Sundays are usually the day that Dee and I lounge around the house, catching up on our DVR backlog and spend some time just the two of us. Since our normal ‘Sunday Funday’ was interrupted with the new drama in my life, we rescheduled for today. Dee called into work saying she wouldn’t be in today and we started planning our ‘Monday Funday.’ This time together is important to us, especially with yesterday, so I’m happy to have this time today. We might live together but we stay pretty busy during the week, or at least she does. My work is a more ‘at your own pace’ thing, so I often find myself working at odd hours here and there.
Working from home has its benefits, well…one benefit: solitude.
I feel better by myself, being alone and not worrying about checking my surroundings every two seconds.
I feel safer.
I may have come a long way since Brandon but a lot of that has to do with my not leaving the house much. And when I do, I never leave alone. I stopped looking over my shoulders and fearing the shadows; I stopped living a life destined for death. I feel like I’m healing.
The first step to my healing was starting this new life. It took a while, but I am finally happy. Happy-ish. My business is growing and my friends are great. Both of my friends. I don’t need a million friends to feel like I have accomplished something with my life, I am perfectly content with Dee and Greg. I don’t trust easily, or at all, so this is progress and it works for me.
The first year and a half after Brandon, was spent in therapy and getting our life set up, buying the townhome, helping Dee get her new business up and running and finally starting my own. There really hasn’t been much time for me to just be me, it was a healthy, or maybe a not so healthy, distraction phase. It took me a while to decide that I was okay enough to start living again and I won’t let Axel’s change that.
So, it is time to do what Izzy West does best: distract.
Dee and I spend all day Monday lying around the house and watching old 80’s movies. We turn all the phones off, close the blinds and just enjoy spending the day together without the world stomping all over us. If Greg tried to call, we didn’t know, and that is just fine with me. I am not ready to deal with his intrusive questions right now.
Tuesday is spent catching up on my work and fielding calls from Greg. I fake work issues and I am able to put him off. I know this won’t work, but once again, I am not ready for him. I don’t completely lie to him; I do have plenty of work I need to get a good head start on. Word is spreading quickly and I have finally picked up some, rather large, businesses out of Atlanta. Dee is gone longer than normal on Tuesday; I know she is in the middle of some issues with her branch back in North Carolina. So, by the time she gets home, she is too tired to push much from me. Again, works perfectly for me.