AN HOUR LATER I was back in my car and just staring at nothing. I tried figuring out how to tell Gage, but I could barely convince myself that it was happening, so how could I tell him? I didn’t even know how I felt about it—no . . . that’s not true. I did. I knew exactly how I felt. I was terrified, and all I could see was my mom and Jeff. Memories so burned into me, I swear I could still feel Jeff slamming the large vase over my back until it shattered. Could feel my mom taking one of the larger chunks and digging it into the small of my back and making a large, bloody X. Could hear her moans as Jeff screwed her brains out after they let me up to go to my room.
I shivered and actually shook myself as I reached for my purse and the letter from Mom. After reading it three times, taking another few minutes to just clear my mind and find the beauty from their ashes all over again, I took a deep breath and pulled out my cell.
“How’s my favorite SMB?”
“Fine.” I laughed and ran a hand through my long, wavy hair. I wasn’t fine yet, but I would be. “How long did it take for my jersey to come in last time, Jake?”
“Ha! You liked it, huh? Want another one?”
“Love my SMB jersey, and I do, but I need it before Thanksgiving morning. Do you think that will be possible?”
“Oh, hell yeah, Cass. It’ll be there in a week, tops. Another one that says ‘SMB’?”
“Uh, no.” My hands were shaking and I had to put the one that wasn’t holding the phone tightly around the steering wheel.
“You gonna tell me what you want or should I surprise you?”
I laughed nervously and took a deep breath before speaking. “No, I know what I want, but, Jake, you can’t . . . let me repeat. Can’t. Tell. Anyone.” When he agreed, I told him exactly what I wanted and he stayed quiet for a whole minute when I was done.
“You’re serious, Cass?” he asked, for once completely serious.
“Yeah, I just found out, so could you do that and I’ll send you a check in the mail today?”
“All right, I’ll get it done, and I won’t tell anyone. But no way am I letting you pay me back for this, no way, baby girl.”
I smiled to myself. “Thanks, Jake.”
THE LAST WEEK and a half had been absolute torture. I’d almost told Gage about a thousand times, but thankfully I’d stopped myself every time. I’d needed this time before I told him, needed the time to get used to the idea and actually be happy about it. And I was; God, I was thrilled now. I’d hardly slept at all last night, knowing that this morning he’d finally know.
After getting his morning hug, he left to do what he always does in the mornings, and I hopped into the shower. I blew my hair dry and straightened it but held off on my makeup because I was sure this morning was bound to be an emotional one. I threw on my jeans, a pair of gray Uggs, and my new burnt-orange jersey that had arrived just two mornings ago. I stared at myself for a long time in the mirror, looked at the back of the jersey, and smiled before I headed out to the kitchen.
I started on an omelet to split for when Gage came back. Usually I’d make us one each, but we were going to be eating all day; I figured splitting this wouldn’t kill him. Just as I was sliding the omelet onto a plate, I heard the front door open and my face broke out into a wide smile.
“That’s my girl.”
I turned to look at him and saw him smiling at the jersey, then a confused look passed over his face.
“Wait, is this new?”
Holding my arms out to the sides, I couldn’t help the smile that so easily came back. “Yeah, Jake just ordered it for me last week.”
Gage’s head fell back, and he groaned. “Darlin’, I’m all for your Cowboys jersey, and now your Longhorns one . . . but another SMB jersey? It’s not that funny.”
“Well, it was that funny, but I only have one of those.” I turned so my back was facing him and took my time getting the silverware from the drawer.
“Cassidy, I love that you want to be my wife and makin’ this our home is what you wanna do. But I would never stop you if you wanted to do something, like with your photography. So even though I love that this is what you’ve chosen, I think that SMB shit is degrading.”
Okay, well apparently he wasn’t going to bite on the name I’d had put on it; I grabbed the plate and two forks and walked over to the kitchen table, rolling my eyes at him when he was watching. “Babe. It’s Jake. From anyone else it would probably be degrading, but no one takes him seriously anyway.”
He grumbled and sat down next to me, digging into the omelet and groaning his appreciation as soon as the first bite hit his tongue.
We ate mostly in silence, eating off the same plate and occasionally feeding each other bites. It was gushy, yes, but we were still newlyweds; we were allowed to be that way. When the omelet was gone, he sat back in his chair and pulled me onto his lap. His hand went to brush away some hair that had fallen forward, and his fingertips did their trusty pause over the pulse point on my throat.
“What do you need me to help you with today?” he asked softly as his eyes watched my chest rise and fall.
“Nothing, already finished all the prep work that I can do before we head over.”
Watching my chest must have stirred up another emotion in him, because his lips were now kissing my neck and his hands were undoing the knot I’d made at the bottom of the jersey so I wouldn’t have to tuck it in and I wouldn’t drown in it. As soon as the knot was loosened his hands were under my shirt and on my bare skin. I quickly got off his lap, collected the plate, and headed into the kitchen.
He frowned but followed me to the sink and took it from me to wash it. It’s not that I didn’t want him touching me, I was just too wound up with my news to think about that just yet. I leaned my hip against the counter to watch him silently. When he was done he turned and smiled. “Amanda’s gonna be pissed when she sees that jersey.”
“Safe to say she’ll be wearing an Aggie one?”
Gage nodded. “So what did Jake do for you this time anyway?”
Oh my God, finally! I bit down on my bottom lip and tried not to smile as I let him turn me around and move my hair aside to see the name Mama Carson.
His hand froze before he could sweep my hair all the way to the side, and I’d bet he just saw the Mama part. I kept silent as I waited for it to sink in. It’d been a difficult pill for me to swallow, but then again I’d grown up never wanting kids. Since starting a relationship with Gage, I’d slowly grown comfortable with the idea and actually wanted a family with him in the future. I thought we were young, way too young, but I knew someday it was what I wanted.
My period had been late, and that’s when I’d called the Carsons’ family doctor. He was the one who told me that with stressful events, especially the allergic reaction and what had happened following, it was common to be late or miss a period or two fully. But then I’d started feeling extra tired, I’d had to stop cleaning before I even started because the smell of the cleaning supplies made me want to pass out, and one morning I started crying looking at Sky . . . it was after that round of ridiculousness that I’d called an ob-gyn and made the appointment. When they’d confirmed the pregnancy at the doctor’s, all my lifelong fears of turning into my mother had come rushing back to me, and it’d taken a lot of work to remind myself I was nothing like the woman she was when liquor ran her life.
So now I still thought we were too young, but I was happy too. Beyond happy. I hadn’t been able to stop smiling since I’d gotten home that day, and now I couldn’t wait to see what Gage and his family had to say.
Gage finally draped all of my hair over my right shoulder, and his hand passed over the lettering softly before his left hand shot out and gripped the kitchen counter at the same time as he lowered himself to the floor. Or more like fell, right on his butt.
“Gage?” I spun around and squatted down to look at him. I was afraid he was about to faint, but the color in his face was tan as ever, his green eyes were bright and huge, and his mouth was slightly open. “Babe?” I whispered when he still hadn’t said anything or moved.
He didn’t say anything, but he started to get back up, so I stood and wobbled slightly when he grasped my hips. Looking down, I saw he was on his knees and just staring up at me. I smiled and felt the tears prick at my eyes just before a few fell. I ran my hand through his naturally just-got-out-of-bed hair and about melted into a puddle on the floor when his head went forward, he lifted my jersey, and he pressed his lips gently to my lower stomach. After placing two more soft kisses there, his hands left my h*ps and trailed gently over my abdomen before he stood up and kissed me fiercely as he lifted me into his arms, wrapped my legs around his waist, and walked us into the bedroom.
When we were both spent, I looked into his green eyes and almost didn’t want to speak. We’d just had the most emotional experience of my life, all without words, and it felt weird to use them now. But I had to hear him say it. “Does this mean you’re happy?”
His dimples took up a good portion of his cheeks. “Yeah, darlin’, I’m happy.”
“You scared me when you wouldn’t say anything for so long, and then I thought you were going to pass out on me.”
“Yeah.” He huffed a laugh. “I, uh, would’ve hit the ground a lot harder if I hadn’t grabbed the counter first. But, Cassidy, I’m so happy; I can’t tell you how happy this makes me.”
I curled into his body and placed my lips against his bare chest. “I’m glad.”
“When we last talked about it though, you hadn’t wanted a family any time soon; I didn’t even know you stopped taking your birth control.”
“Probably because I only stopped taking it about a week and a half ago when I found out I was pregnant.” I smiled against his skin when the stillness of his body gave away his even more confused state. “I guess all the medications they had me on after the sting counteracted the effects of the pill and I got pregnant anyway.”
Gage’s hand slid up and down my back, his light touch leaving goose bumps all over. “I should have thought of that.”
“We both should have, but it’s too late now and I’m not mad that we didn’t.”
He pulled my body up until he could look into my eyes. “You’re really okay with this?”
“I am.” I shrugged and smiled brightly at him. “I wasn’t at first; it really scared me. I started slipping back into my fears, but I reread the letter from my mom, and I thought about all of our conversations since I’ve been back, and the fears just started melting away. It still took a couple days, but I’m really happy now. Seriously, I can’t wait to have your baby.”
His smile was wide and absolutely breathtaking; those dimples that I knew would get the best of me someday were all I could currently look at. “God, I can’t believe we’re gonna have a baby,” he breathed, and leaned back. “And I can’t believe you told Jake of all people.”