“Look at me,” Travis demanded. “I want you to see what you do to me.” I shuddered, but I opened my eyes and brought a hand up to cup his face as he began rocking his hips. “It’s never felt like this, Quinn,” he gasped, his movements becoming more forceful. “Not even close.”
I leaned up and caught his mouth with mine, sliding my hands up his back. My thighs gripped his h*ps tightly, urging him harder and faster.
He rolled us over until I sat above him, his hands running up over my ribs and br**sts, his brow furrowing as he groaned. The green in his eyes deepened as I began to move over him. I leaned over, my hands holding onto his shoulders as my heart thundered in my chest.
Travis slid his hand between my legs, his fingers hard and firm as they moved and when I felt tingles begin in my toes, I wrapped my body around him, burying my face into his neck as pleasure bore down on me so intense it almost hurt.
“Quinn, baby,” he ground out as he began slamming hard within me, eventually biting down on the tender skin of my neck as he shuddered.
After a few minutes our rapid breathing eased, but I remained burrowed in his chest, and he remained burrowed within me, both of us apparently unwilling to break the connection.
***
Chapter Fourteen
My eyes blinked open sleepily and scanned the room, revealing I was alone. My hands skimmed along the cool blue sheets to my left. The blinds on the window were only half closed, telling me it was still dark outside.
Swinging my legs over the edge of the bed, I found my panties and standing up, I slid them on. Picking out a shirt from the dresser, I pulled it on before leaving the room.
The loft was dark and quiet as my fingers brushed through my tousled mess of hair. I noted our clothes no longer littered the kitchen floor and the ice cream had been put away as I padded softly through the kitchen. Catching movement out on the back deck, I wound my way outside, opening the sliding door.
Travis sat on the outdoor table, his feet resting on the seat. He half turned at the sound, his lips curling upwards. “Hey.”
He reached out an arm, snaking it around my waist and pulling me into his body. I wound my arms around his neck and curled myself into his lap, shivering in the cool night air.
He was dressed in only a pair of half-buttoned jeans, and my hands roamed over his bare skin, finding it smooth and warm. “Aren’t you cold?” I muttered.
“Nah.”
My eyes fell on the cigarette packet. “I thought you only ever smoked when you needed to think.” I looked at him. “Do you need to think?”
His hands rubbed circles on my back. “Are you gonna give me shit about smoking?”
I pursed my lips because it was on the tip of my tongue to do just that. “Maybe.”
Travis chuckled, the deep rumble vibrating against me, and I shivered again, this time from pleasure rather than cold. “Good.”
“Good?”
“Yeah, good.” He tucked a curl of hair behind my ear and brushed his thumb across my cheek, a gesture that was becoming familiar. “Shows you care. I like that.”
I did.
Oh God I cared. So much. More than I should. Enough to know he cared too. But Travis didn’t know me. Maybe when he knew all there was to know of me, he wouldn’t care so much anymore. The ache in my chest broke wide open.
The hands roaming his chest stilled, and I pushed back a little, but his arms around me squeezed, locking me to him. He pressed a swift, gentle kiss on my lips.
Fighting to block out the ache, I buried my head in his neck and breathed him in. “Tell me about your job, Travis?”
Travis exhaled, the sound deep and heavy. “Okay.” He let one arm go from around me and twisted, reaching for another cigarette. “Do you mind?”
I shook my head.
“I don’t know how much you already know about what we do. Jared and Coby focus on the hostage negotiation and security side of our business. Casey and I handle the kidnapping and child custody.” He lit the cigarette and drew deeply, turning his head to exhale a deep plume of smoke behind him. “The two sometimes even go hand in hand. Custody disputes are common and we get called in when they have the potential to turn dangerous or when they already have. It’s our job to diffuse the situation. Sometimes that involves using force. We pull kids out of emotionally or physically abusive situations.” He drew again on his cigarette, his eyes on the distance. “How can someone be given a gift that needs so much love and care, and treat it like rubbish? I’ve seen them starving and broken, Quinn, and every day it tears me apart.”
I nodded into his shoulder because I knew.
“I think the guys aren’t sure I can do this job anymore, and some days I’m not so sure either. This scar,” he said, rubbing at his hip, “reminds me that I let someone down. That someone died because I made a mistake. I hesitated and a kid died. I’m scared of it happening again.” I could hear heartbreak in his voice, and my chest burned. He exhaled another plume of smoke and chuckled, but it wasn’t a happy sound. “How f**ked up is that?” he muttered bitterly. “Look at what they’re going through, and I’m the one struggling to deal with it. But if I’m not there to help, who will? Who’ll be there for them?”
“Travis.” I waited until his eyes, so full of hurt, locked on mine. “You can’t save everyone.”
He twisted to put his cigarette out in the little ashtray, and turning back, tilted my chin up to meet his eyes. “Wish I could’ve saved you, Quinn,” he said gruffly.
My stomach tightened painfully and Travis disappeared as tears blinded me. I wished to God Travis could’ve saved me, but it was too late for that. The damage had been done, never to be undone. A single slap, or a kick given so angrily and so easily, the pain and fear it evoked, could never be taken back. It lived with you, inside of you, forever reminding you that you were never worthy of love and care.
“Some of us have to learn how to save ourselves,” I whispered, blinking the tears away.
“How do you do that?”
“All I know is that you have to find strength somewhere inside of you and hold on to it, but I’m still figuring out where mine is.”
Maybe the strength was in simply getting out of bed because there were days when I had struggled to do just that.
“Quinn… If you let me, I’ll be strong for you.”
Why are you making this so hard?
Travis was meant for something better than me. The thought made anger twist hotly inside me. I wanted to be that something better, the person who could give him happiness. Already I hated the woman that would belong to him. His arms would wind around her all night long, keeping her warm and safe. She would wake to his smile and the love in his eyes. He would be hers.
I stood up and pushed away. The cool air was a shock, blowing hair into my face. I pushed it away, tucking it behind my hair before hugging myself and meeting his eyes. “I don’t need you to be strong for me.”
He nodded, the movement slow and careful. “Maybe you don’t,” he murmured. “But I need you. Every day I get up, tired from not sleeping, and I go to work and do what I do. Late at night I come home and go to bed for another sleepless night, and the whole time there’s a weight on my chest that’s so f**king heavy it leaves me feeling like I can’t breathe.” Wounded green eyes found their way to mine. “When I’ve got hold of you, somehow it doesn’t feel so heavy anymore.”
My eyes filled and I turned away.
Damn you, Travis.
Damn you for having a chink in your armour like a battered knight—so worn down from being a goddamn hero that you’re turning to the one person not good enough for you.
I drew a deep breath into my lungs, lifted my chin and met his eyes. “I can’t be what you need, Travis.” I hugged my arms tighter, trying to contain the hurt rising in my chest. “Inside of me…there’s too much damage. Someone gave me hope once, and it was beautiful. I’d never seen anything like it. It changed me from who I used to be.” I shook my head, a tear rolling down my cheek. I wiped it away, unable to look at him. “I used to give my body away to anyone who wanted it…and I didn’t care because for a fleeting moment I felt wanted. I was only sixteen and already taking drugs and alcohol to get me through each day. I wasn’t sure I’d live to see the end of high school,” I whispered. “But I thought acting out would somehow justify all the pain David inflicted.” My tear filled eyes finally rested on Travis. “How could I not see I was only hurting myself?”
Travis was frozen, his jaw locked so tight I thought it would break.
I took a step back. “I met Ethan at a party. It was obvious he didn’t belong there. He looked so…clean, both inside and out. It drew me in. I wanted to know what being clean felt like. Ethan had this quiet intensity—a confidence in himself and his future. He made me feel like I could have one of those. A future,” I added. “But he…he.” My voice pitched and Travis rose to stand, but I waved him back. “He died…” I choked out, “… and I wanted to die with him, but I couldn’t you see, because I was pregnant. My baby kept me alive and made me realise that I needed to leave. But David found me. He found where I lived and he was so angry. Beth left him. He…I thought it was Lucy at the door,” I explained, “so I called out for her to come in, the door was unlocked. The door was unlocked,” I enunciated. “David came in and he…” I took a deep breath. “He broke me—inside and out. I tried to fight, but I fell and he wouldn’t stop kicking me, and he killed my baby.”
A sob escaped me.
“Quinn,” Travis pleaded, his hands fisted so tightly his knuckles were white.
“I’m not finished,” I told him and lifted my chin, bracing for the worst. “When I woke up in hospital, the doctors told me there was so much damage that I would never have children. I can’t have kids,” I said simply. “And after they told me, for a whole month I wished he’d killed me too, because I felt dead anyway. There were entire days I couldn’t get out of bed. It’s taken me years to get where I am now. Days upon days of pretending to be a normal person that sometimes I even convince myself. If I keep doing it, then maybe one day it’ll be true. Can you see now, why I can’t be what you need?” I looked at him. “I’m not whole.”
Travis sat frozen, his face pale, and I died a little inside.
The need to run, to find oblivion, rose within me.
I moved swiftly inside, and finding my bag, I messaged Lucy. She’d be finished work soon, and in ten minutes I could disappear for a while. Finding the bathroom, I shut the door behind me. I flicked the shower on and stood in front of the mirror, seeing a stranger with pale skin and fear in her eyes—someone who didn’t know how to fight, only how to run. I might not know who she was, but even I could see she was missing pieces of herself. I tilted my head at the mirror. Maybe Travis might say that was okay, and just maybe it was for him. But it wasn’t for me. He didn’t deserve okay.