Adam glanced up from her to look to me and desperate not to bleed as openly as I had earlier, I closed my features down and told him flatly, “Go. I’m leaving anyway.”
I brushed past him before he could reply, pushing through the crowds, and carefully making my way downstairs to the street level. A hand suddenly curled around my bicep as I was about to step outside and I looked up in surprise to see Adam was there with his jacket on.
“I’m making sure you get home okay.”
“You don’t need to.”
He didn’t reply and he didn’t let me go. I was too tired to struggle so I let him manhandle me into a taxi and I sat in absolute silence with him as the cab drove us to Dublin Street.
He paid for the taxi and followed me out and up the front stoop. He waited patiently as I got out my keys and let us in to the dark flat. I took a few steps into the hall, flicked the light switch and turned around, kicking off my heels. “You can go now.”
Instead Adam slammed the front door shut behind him and stared at me sullenly.
I sighed softly, tired of fighting. Mum had always joked I wasn’t a fighter, I was a lover.
She’d even bought me a T-shirt that said it. “You can leave now, Adam. Thank you for seeing me home.”
“What do you want from me?” he suddenly asked, his voice husky with anger.
I backed up at his tone, hitting the wall, watching warily as he stalked me. My chin tilted, my lips parting in surprise as he placed his hands above my head on the wall and caged me against it. He lowered his head, his nose sliding along mine until his mouth rested just above my lips. I swallowed, finally finding my voice. “What do you want from me?”
His answer was to crush my lips beneath his.
Like the last time he’d kissed me like this, the world just disappeared, taking reality and all the important stuff with it. I wrapped my arms around his neck, my fingers curling into his hair, my br**sts pressed hard against his chest as we devoured one another.
After a while Adam eased our carnal kiss, releasing my swollen mouth to press soft kisses along my jaw and down my neck as his hand slid up the inside of my thigh. I sank against the wall with a sigh, my eyes closed as he kissed my lips again, his tongue teasing mine. His fingers slipped under the fabric of the lacy lingerie I was wearing under my sweet dress and I groaned into his mouth at the pressure of his fingers pushing inside of me.
Adam pulled back, his breathing as shallow as mine as he toyed with me. I closed my eyes again, the pleasure tightening. I gripped his arm as he pushed me toward it. “Adam,” I pleaded.
“Look at me,” his words rumbled over my mouth and I immediately opened my eyes to find his blazing into mine. “I want to watch you come.”
I felt my cheeks flush even harder at the demand but I held his gaze as his fingers worked me, my h*ps undulating against his hand, my gaze turning drowsy. Adam’s breathing grew harsher and harsher as he watched me, and when he pressed down on my cl*t with his thumb and I broke apart, clinging to him through my orgasm, he swore loudly and rested his head in the crook of my neck.
My legs were trembling as I came down from my high, reality settling in. Confusion overwhelmed me and I felt tears prick my eyes. Adam’s warm breath caressed my skin as he lifted his head to whisper in my ear, “I almost came just watching you.”
I shivered, tingling all over again.
“You make me so goddamn hard,” he confessed and he gently lifted my hand to press it to his erection straining against his trousers. Triumph melted the confusion away for a second, a powerful feeling of victory taking over me as I caressed him and felt his groans of pleasure against my ear. At least he wanted me. At least he was in torment over that.
“You don’t stop, baby,” he peeled my hand away with a regretful sigh, “I’m going to blow.”
When he lifted his head our eyes met and he saw the tears shining in mine and pushed away from me with another curse. Running his hand through his hair, Adam sighed heavily, “I shouldn’t have done that. Els, I’m sorry.” His face crumpled and I saw the self-flagellation in his expression.
“Why?” I asked softly, needing to know once and for all what was happening to us. “Why shouldn’t you have done it? Why can’t we be together?”
Those gorgeous dark eyes of his lifted to mine in surprise, as if he couldn’t believe I didn’t understand. “Because of Braden, Els. He’s my best friend. He’s family. I can’t take the risk that he won’t forgive me for…” he gestured helplessly to me.
The warmth from the aftermath of the orgasm he’d given me was destroyed by the chill his words created in me. I stood up from the wall and tried to control that burning lump in my throat. “But I’m willing to. I’m willing to because I’m in love with you. You know I’m in love with you.”
The lack of surprise on his face was confirmation.
I shook my head, laughing bitterly as I wiped at tears that had begun to fall. “All these years, even now, you’ve told me all you ever wanted to do was protect me from getting hurt.
And yet you say things and do things to confuse me, to make me think you might feel the same way that I feel about you, and then in the next second you’re cold and you flaunt other women in front of me.” The tears fell fast now and I could see Adam’s own eyes starting to shimmer with pain. I didn’t care. I had to get this over with. “The only person who’s ever really hurt me is you. And I keep letting you.”
“Ellie,” he sounded in pain as he took a step toward me. He stopped though, the pain transferring to his eyes when I moved away from him. “I do love you,” he admitted and instead of feeling joy at those words, the last piece of me holding onto hope crumbled.
I shook my head. “But not enough.”
“You know that’s not true. Els, you of all people have to understand. If you and me start something and it all goes south, I lose Braden too. I’ll lose the two people in the world who mean anything to me.”
I wanted to understand him. I tried to understand the reasons behind people’s actions because I wanted to believe the best in everyone. But all I knew was that I loved him enough to risk it all—to risk our history— for something more, and the fact that he wasn’t willing told me he couldn’t possibly feel the way I felt about him. I didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone I loved more than he’d ever love me.
“Go home, Adam,” I replied softly. “We’re done.”
His eyes widened in shock. “Ellie—”
“I’ll pretend for Braden. When we’re all together, I’ll pretend for Braden that nothing has changed between you and me.” I held his gaze, attempting to be strong as I ended us. “But whatever this is, it’s over. Everything. Don’t call me, don’t visit… just don’t. I don’t want you near me when you don’t have to be. It hurts too much, and if you care about me even just a little bit, you’ll stay away from me.”
I didn’t let him reply. I couldn’t. I turned and strode down the hall and into my room, closing the door behind me and leaning against it while I tried to catch my breath.
There was silence in the hallway for what seemed like forever, and then finally I heard the front door open and close quietly.
The burn in my throat burst out into sobs, and I slid down the door panting for breath through the pain…
Chapter 8
“Most miserable bloody weeks of my life after that.” Adam turned the pages, scanning my sparse entries after that night.
I slid my hand around the nape of his neck and gave it a squeeze. “Me too, honey.”
He lifted my hand from his neck and brought it around to give my knuckles an absentminded kiss. “The night at Jenna and Ed’s wedding was f**king torture.”
Agreed. We’d both taken dates. I’d taken Nicholas just to be particularly annoying and Adam had taken some random girl with him. Although I’d flitted around the wedding acting my cheery self and steadfastly refusing to look Adam’s way, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life.
Adam threaded my fingers through his and rested our hands on his lap. “Here it is.” He held the diary up.
“What?” I frowned, trying to read my writing.
“I’m fast forwarding to my wake up call.”
Monday, December 17th I’m writing this as quickly as I can because I can see Adam is about to rip the pen from my hand and use whatever means at his disposal to bring my attention back to him. Since I like the means he will use I need to get this down. It’s been an utterly exhausting weekend but today I woke up feeling stronger than I have in a while. This morning I woke up to something beautiful, and I swear after the last week I’ve had, I didn’t think that was possible… Focusing on a crack in my ceiling I determinedly attempted to push the fear and desperation back. There was this buried part of me that kept trying to push up and grip my chest from the inside out to pull me to it to whisper desolately, “I’m not ready to die.”
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop… I couldn’t think like that.
But it was what I’d been hiding from for months. When my doctor told me I needed glasses I’d ignored my own instincts and grabbed onto that solution with utter relief.
Still, the headaches kept coming, the exhaustion worsened as the anxiety I kept hidden from everyone built and built.
Ten days ago I’d had a seizure in my kitchen. I was terrified but also strangely relieved as I sat in the hospital and waited for my turn on the MRI—sick to my stomach with fear but relieved that I was going to know once and for all what the hell was wrong with me.
A tumor, though. A brain tumor.
I tried to catch my breath. We’d waited ten days for the results and it was a brain tumor and they wouldn’t tell me anything else. I had twenty four hours of waiting to find out if I had brain cancer or not.
I wanted to handle it graciously, not just for me but for Braden and Mum and Clark and Hannah and Declan. I wanted to handle it graciously for Joss, knowing it would be difficult for her. However, her reaction… A tear slid down my cheek as I thought on her reaction only a few hours ago. I’d watched the panic in her face and then she just… shut down. She just left me. When I needed her the most, she just… left me.
Braden was furious and panicking about me and about her and trying not to. His anxiety was making me worse so I told him to go and speak to Mum and Clark. Understanding I needed just a little time to myself he gave me it.
I couldn’t think of the worst. I wouldn’t be like Joss. I mean, I wanted to be prepared but I wasn’t a pessimist. And surely, I was too young to… You never think something like this will happen to you. It feels like a dream, it’s so surreal, like you’re watching someone else’s life play out in a movie.
My phone rang and I turned my head on my pillow to eye it on my bedside table.
Adam Calling.
I breathed through the tightness in my chest and reached for the phone. Since I landed in the hospital ten days ago, Adam had reneged on his unspoken promise to stay out of my life.