"Well, then get on to the nasty stuff." She puts her mug down and claps her hands together and rubs. "Do you like it? My first f**k was horrible. You remember that Benji guy? He didn't know what he was doing. The guy needed a map. But Jack should know where all the goodies are, since he was Mr. Sexy and all that. So, is he treating you good? Does he always satisfy?"
"Kate!" I squeal. I'm not used to talking about this stuff at all, and even though Kate's my best friend, it feels strange. In a hushed voice, I lean forward and say, "We can't talk about that stuff."
She gives me a funny look. "Yes, we can and we will. We're not in high school anymore, Abby. And you're married. You shouldn't feel guilty about it at all, unless he's bad." Her smile fades and she looks totally serious. "He's not bad, is he?"
"No, he's wonderful." I get that stupid look on my face and I can't hide it. Kate laughs and urges me to tell her more. I finally cave in and talk a little. "It's like we were made for each other. I don't know how else to say it. Jack can read my mind. He knows what I want, when I want it. He's done things to me that made me so insanely..." I suck in a breath of air and press my hand to my heart. "Kate, I had no idea it could be like that."
"When you find the right guy, it is. So, everything's great? You both want the same things?"
I nod and then add, "He's a little more brazen than me."
Kate sips her coffee. "What do you mean?"
"I like to keep things private and he likes to, ah, well, he wants me when and where he wants me." I tell her about the room in the restaurant on our honeymoon. Her jaw drops. "And I loved that while we were doing it, but if I knew that was his plan, I would have puked. The thought of getting caught makes me so nervous. It's not a turn-on at all, but Jack wants it."
Kate comes back to herself. Her jaw snaps shut and she says, "Try it."
"What? Weren't you listening - "
She cuts me off. "I was, but you don't know what you like until you try it. There've got to be things like that that you've already done, things that you never thought you'd do. I remember talking about oral with you before gym class. You said you'd never do that. It sounded gross at the time. It's not so gross now, am I right?" She grins at me and gives me a look.
I snort laugh and look away. "I forgot about that! But this isn't the same. I feel so frightened that I can't lose myself in the moment, you know?"
"Oh, you'll like it then. Having sex when you're scared out of your mind makes it better. I don't know how or why, but you have to work up enough nerve to try it."
Kate and I talk a little longer, until Gus comes and tells me that someone is here to see me.
Kate and I ask in unison, "Who?"
"Some guy named Jackson."
Chapter 28
ABBY
Kate gives me a look that says I would be an idiot if I talk to him. "Don't do it, Abby. Something's off about that guy."
"He was my friend. I at least need to tell him that now isn't the best time."
"Yeah, and you might want to hurry," Gus says. "He introduced himself to Jack as your ex-boyfriend. You should have seen Jack's face. It was - " I don't hear the rest of what Gus has to say. I fly down the hall and into the lobby. While we talked about it a little bit, I didn't really go into very much detail. As to why Jackson would introduce himself that way, I have no idea.
Jack is standing with his arms folded tightly across his chest, working the muscle in his jaw. Damn it. I didn't think Jackson would just show up. Kate was right. Who does that? Nothing really happened between us, but Jack doesn't know that, and there's no telling what Jackson has said. Why would he introduce himself as my ex? Is he crazy? He has to know that I married Jack.
As these thoughts race through my head, I feel my emotional hardwiring coming undone. Cords are frayed and flying every which way, and the first person who missteps is going to get fried. I don't smile. I'm not into fake and I'm not thrilled to see him. I can't believe he just dropped in and did that.
Jackson glances up at me. "Abby." His voice is a little too high, like he's nervous.
"Jackson, now isn't a good time." I walk briskly toward Jack and stand next to my husband with Jackson across from me. "Today has been crazy, so I didn't get a chance to call." Jack's eyebrows climb up his face and he turns his head and looks at me for a second. I say, "Jackson went to college with me."
"He told me that. I asked how he knew you and he said you guys dated, which surprised the hell out of me." Jack locks his jaw again and stares holes into Jackson.
If the tension goes up another notch, I'll scream. I breathe to steady myself and push my fingers through my hair, tugging it out of my face. "We did, but that was a million years ago." I turn my attention to Jackson and ask, "And you - what do you have a death wish or something? This is my husband, as in the guy I married. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I told you he was a bastard," Kate says from behind me. She waves the tips of her fingers at Jackson and smiles. "Want me to toss his ass into the picket line?"
I round on her. "No! Go away!"
Kate flinches and turns, taking Gus with her, she walks away muttering. "Come on. We're not wanted." The smirk on her face irritates the hell out of me. It's an I was right smile.
Jackson speaks up, "I didn't mean to cause trouble, Abby. And I'm sorry, Mr. Gray. I thought your name was Jonathan and Abby married a guy named Jack." Jackson shifts his weight from foot to foot and then looks back at the door. "Maybe I should go?"
"That's an idea," Jack replies coldly. I press my hand to Jack's arm. The muscle beneath is insanely taut.
"Jack," I say softly, looking up at him. I admit, I kind of like the jealousy thing. I've never seen Jack act like this before. It's hard not to smile. I say to Jackson, "Jonathan is a pseudonym. Listen, it was nice of you to stop in, but it's really bad timing. Maybe you should look me up next time you're in New York. I'm going to be up to my neck in this for the next week or more and going someplace with you to catch up isn't a good idea. I don't want the media to turn on you. Your career will be over in a blink."
Jackson smiles and shakes his head. "Abby, you're funny. I have no career, remember? My dad had too much money and even after the seven wives, there's still some left for me. I go where the wind blows. Right now I'm on vacation for the next few weeks. I'm staying at a house a few blocks from here. If you feel like chatting, feel free to stop by." He looks at Jack, "Again, I apologize for my lack of tact. Abby was a dear friend to me when I sorely needed one. You're lucky to have her." Jackson smiles at me and turns away. He picks up his briefcase and heads for the door.
I glance at Jack, feeling torn. Something about what Jackson said makes me feel like I have to answer. As he reaches for the door, I say, "We'll stop by sometime."
Jackson glances at me. "Good, I'd like that." Then he's gone.
Two seconds before Jack goes supernova, Gus and Kate make a mad run for the door.
"Ignore us, just passing through. Abby, you're an idiot. Jack, don't kill her. I'm pretty sure that was her only boyfriend and I think the most they did was hold hands." Gus is tugging Kate's arm, but she won't shut up. "They wore gloves and had a chaperone. Abby always wears protection."
Gus sucks in a shocked breath and pulls her out the front door. I hear him hiss, "Are you crazy? Abby's going to kill you."
The door closes and it's just me and Jack. Cara is gone. The glass guy is gone. The window is patched up and a new set of blinds is hanging in the window, blocking out the rest of the world. Kate's headlights disappear down the driveway. Since I don't hear a ton of honking, I assume the protesters have gone home for the night.
Jack turns away from me without a word. He locks the front door and moves through the lobby, flipping switches and shutting off lights.
"You can't be mad at me?" I ask, surprised by his reaction. "Jack, that was a long time ago."
"It doesn't matter." He sounds pissed.
"Hey, I didn't ask you to provide me with a list of everyone you dated. I didn't ask for the name of every girl you slept with, either." I'm on his heels when Jack stops short. He rounds on me.
"I would have told you. I would have told you if an ex showed up at the house and was asking for me. I would have told you if she asked to hang out and talk about old times. Damn, Abby." His blue eyes are blazing with fury. He shakes his head and says, "Just, damn." He turns and walks toward the hall that connects to the studio.
My heart thumps and falls into my stomach. I reach for him. "Wait, I don't understand why you're upset. I didn't do anything." I wait for him to stop, but he doesn't. "Jack, talk to me. I don't want to fight."
When I follow him into the studio, it's pitch black. The sun has already set. Jack flips on the overhead light and turns toward me. "You're really telling me that you didn't think anything of this guy, that he means nothing to you?" Jack's face is pinched. His arms fold tightly across his chest like he's protecting his heart.
"No," I answer, shocked that he thinks that. I put my hands on his forearms and look into his eyes. "He showed up. I think of him as a friend, because most of the time I knew him, that's what he was."
"How'd you end up dating?"
I shrug, "He kissed me. I wanted to see if I could get over someone, so I let him. Jackson was getting over his own heartache. We leaned on each other for a while. Eventually, we noticed that we didn't belong together. I didn't want a placeholder boyfriend and that's what he was. I took him because I couldn't have you."
Jack's eyes hold mine until that moment. He looks down at our hands. "How much did you do with him? You weren't in seminary yet, right? So you could have - "
A crooked smile fills my face. "You're the only one, Jack. I didn't sleep with him. I didn't sleep with anyone. Second base was as far as we got. He was pushing for third, but he never got there."
Jack's tension seems to ease ever so slightly. "But he kissed you."
"But I'm yours for tonight, forever. He didn't get me, you did. There's no comparison. I don't even think of him that way anymore. The time we spent dating was a blip compared to the rest of our friendship. And the entire time I was with Jackson, I wanted you. I'm a horrible person." I look away as I say the last part. I feel like a horrible person. Maybe I jerked Jackson around. I definitely jerked Jack around. The last thing I'd want is for him to feel like I don't want him. At the same time, the jealousy is a little sweet.
"No, you're not horrible. I am. You've never pressed me on stuff like this." He takes my hand and looks down at me with those liquid blue eyes. "I deserve to be pressed. I pushed you hard and fast when you showed up again. It's surprised me that you don't ask about the others, about my past."
"I can't pretend that I don't care, because I do, but I don't think that will help us move forward. I want to make memories with you that will make those other girls fade away." I press my lips together and look up at him. "I've been thinking about what you asked me to do, about being with you on the beach, in the open." My heart beats inside my chest so hard that I feel breathless.