Nat wiped the tears with the back of her long sleeve shirt and sighed.
“I loved her. I still love her.” I looked at the camera. “But that’s not good TV. That’s not what you want. What you want to hear is that I went on some crazy drug binge in L.A. while still dating her, which just for the record, never happened. I went to the premiere of Heart Ache. I’d always supported Jaymeson. This time was no different. He knew I was having a rough go at it and invited me down. My publicist heard that Angelica Greene needed to clean up her image a bit, and since mine was getting better, they paired us together for the premiere.”
Ruben eyes narrowed into slits. “Is that when you started doing drugs again?”
I laughed. “Man, are you listening to yourself?” I shook my head. “No, but Angelica sure was. She was so loaded by the time I took her back to her hotel. I was afraid she would either die by choking on her own vomit or get raped. Yes. We kissed that night. To be fair, I’d had my fair share to drink as well. I put her into bed and left.”
“You left the hotel?” Ruben asked.
And this is the part where I needed Nat to listen, because I knew she would hate me forever, but she needed the truth. Had to have the truth. And it wasn’t just about what I had done. It was what I was still doing, to her. “No. I bumped into another woman.”
“Her name?”
“April Cartwright.”
“Would that be the ex-wife of producer David Cartwright?”
“Yes.” I clenched my teeth. “She invited me into her room and I followed.”
“What happened?”
With a bitter laugh I shook my head. “What didn’t happen? We drank champagne we talked, we joked, and the next thing I knew, I woke up in bed with her.”
“Did you do drugs?”
“Not that I know of, though pictures make it look like there was ecstasy involved. Her ex had sent her champagne that night. The bottle could have already been opened. I don’t know. All I know is that I woke up disoriented and left as soon as I could.”
“What about Mrs. Cartwright?”
“She apologized profusely, said it would never happen again, and if the media ever found out they’d take away her children. This was, of course, after I saw her hiding enough prescription meds and coc**ne to kill a person.”
“Was she on drugs?”
I sighed. “I can’t answer that because I don’t know.”
“So you slept with a married woman, who just happened to be your best friend’s mom, and then lied about it?”
“Sort of.” I groaned into my hands, and then said the one thing I knew I’d been saying for the past three months. Like a broken record, I just repeated what I knew. “It’s complicated.” I glanced to where Nat was sitting. But she was gone. She’d left the room. Panic rose in my chest as I stood.
“Sit down, Alec.”
“We’re done. I’m done. You have your damn story, Ruben. I hope you’re happy. Not only are you potentially ruining my career, but the lives of the people I care about.”
I stormed out of the room in search of Nat.
I searched the house. Demetri silently pointed to the door that led to the back deck.
I walked out and sat down next to her, putting my feet in the pool.
“Say something.” My voice shook as I fought not to reach for her hands.
Tears still streamed down her face. “I can’t be mad at you. I want to be, but I can’t. We weren’t together, and as much as you must hate yourself right now, Alec, you were in a bad place.”
“You don’t understand.” I hung my head and sighed. “Nat, I messed up. But that’s not it. It’s not even what happened. It’s the fact that I’m still so damn messed up. I crack under the pressure and then to make myself feel better, I let you consume me. I let us consume me.”
“Why is that bad?” She reached for my hand, but I jerked away.
“Why isn’t using my own girlfriend for sex bad? Seriously, Nat? I love you, but I’m using you. Don’t you get it? I can’t get over everything. How could I possibly get over everything when all I’ve ever done is try to keep everyone together? When we moved here I was so focused on Demetri keeping his shit together, I just pushed mine away. When I met you it was such a breath of fresh air. It was like I could finally breathe again. But it’s not enough.”
“Not enough?” Her voice wavered. “I’m not enough?”
“Shit. It’s not that, Nat, and you know it.”
“I use you to feel better.” I’d said it. I’d finally admitted it out loud, and I felt like a complete and total a**hole. I’d felt guilty about what happened last year, but more than anything I felt guilty for what I had been doing to Nat.
I went off drugs only to find a new addiction — something to mask the pain.
Her.
“Use me, as in…?”
“Sex.” I closed my eyes. “I use you, Nat. I love you, don’t get me wrong, but every time I’m stressed, every time my past haunts me, I don’t go to alcohol. It doesn’t work. I don’t go to pills. They never did much. I go to you. I can’t survive without you.”
Nat pushed away from me and stood. “It’s not about sex.”
“But it is, Nat. For me it is.”
“Not for me.” Her chest heaved as she fought for air and began pacing in front of me.
I stood and joined her, grabbing her hands as I said, “Maybe in a way you’re right. It’s not about sex. It’s not even about being physical, Nat. It’s the damning reality that the minute I met you, I met someone I could share my soul with. Sharing my body was one thing, but sharing my soul? I can’t get that back. I don’t want to get that back. But the worst part is, after everything that’s happened, I still want you to have a piece of me, even if it’s only a little bit. Just like I still want a piece of you even though it hurts so much I want to scream myself to sleep. I’ve always wanted you. I just didn’t realize until it was too late how much I craved you — needed you in order to function. Maybe, just maybe, this was a good thing, because you can’t learn how to function as a couple if, when separated, you fall apart.”
“What about me?” Nat sobbed against my chest. “What about us? I don’t understand! Why is it such a bad thing? Why can’t we get through this together?”
I sighed into her hair, memorizing her scent. “Because I never got through it alone, Nat.”
“But I can help. I can—”
I kissed her hard across the mouth. “Do you feel this?” I said against her lips. “I want to forget this whole damn conversation. I want to lose myself in you.”
“Then do it.” She arched against me. I backed up and cursed.
“Nat, it’s not healthy. Don’t you see? Don’t you see how you’ll live to resent me? Live to resent us? This? What we have? It isn’t balanced — it isn’t healthy.”
“Oh, and you’re the expert on healthy relationships, Alec?” she snapped.
“No. I just know you deserve to be in one.”
“I want you. Only you.” Her shoulders shook.
“I want you too. But just because I want you doesn’t make it right, Nat. Just because I love you doesn’t make it okay to keep using you the way I am.”
“So that’s it?” Thick tears ran down her cheeks.
I cursed and ran my hands through my hair. “Yeah, Nat. That’s it.”
“So what happens now?” She wiped some moisture from her cheeks and crossed her arms protectively over her chest.
I would forever remember that moment. During those lonely nights when I was tempted to do something stupid, I’d remember the look of betrayal on her face. I’d remember the way her tears even seemed to look beautiful as her clear eyes searched mine for the one thing I couldn’t give her — reassurance.
“I stop hurting you.” I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry, Nat. But this is goodbye.”
She sank to her knees on the deck.
I fought with every ounce of will power I still possessed to walk away.
And I did.
I left the girl I loved — the only girl who would ever hold a piece of my heart — crying alone outside. The very fact that I could do that proved to me yet again that I was a lesser man than she deserved. One day… one day she would thank me for being strong enough to walk away. I just hoped I would live to see it. Because at that moment I wanted nothing more than to die.
Chapter Twenty-six
Demetri
“Dude, where you going?” I asked as Alec breezed past me and ran upstairs.
I was just getting ready to follow him when I heard Alyssa curse, bless her heart.
“Demetri!” she yelled louder. I turned around. She was holding Nat and rocking her back and forth. Holy shit. I’d have killed him with my bare hands.
I ran outside and pulled Nat into my arms. I looked over her head and mouthed to Alyssa, “What happened?”
Her eyes were filled with helpless tears. She shrugged and kept shaking her head over and over again.
I jerked my head toward the doorway for Alyssa to give us some time. I mean, I knew Alyssa and Nat were close, but I felt like I was Nat’s brother. I needed to fix this. I had to do something. Damn, I could have killed my brother right then.
“What happened?” I used my thumbs to wipe the tears from her eyes as she choked on a sob. “Nat, what happened? Are you hurt? Are you okay?”
“My heart h-hurts.” She cried harder.
I couldn’t just leave her. Alec was damn lucky that she was clinging to me, otherwise I would be bloodying my knuckles for the second time that night. What the hell was wrong with everyone?
“As in you’re having a heart attack, Nat? Or metaphorically? Help me out, girl, because I don’t know whether to strangle my brother or take you to the ER.”
Nat began to hyperventilate. Shit. “Nat, listen to me, you’re going to pass out if you keep doing that.” I looked around for something and nearly cried with gratitude when Alyssa showed up with a paper bag and handed it to Nat.
I was getting ready to say something helpful when Alyssa interrupted me. “I know you’re hurting right now, Nat. I know you’re upset, but this isn’t good. Do you understand? This isn’t healthy. You can stop breathing, and if you stop breathing…” She trailed off and held Nat’s face in her hands. “Do you get what I’m saying? You can’t just think about yourself right now, okay?”
“A little harsh, Lyss.”
Ignoring me, she placed the bag into Nat’s hands and slowly showed her how to breathe in and out. “That’s it, you’re doing great. Just keep breathing, okay? I’m going to send Demetri inside, and then we can talk, okay?”
Nat nodded.
Feeling a little un-needed, and weirded out about why my girlfriend would be the one out of all of us to give tough love during a panic attack, I got up and walked back inside.