I’m seriously going to do this. I’m going to let go.
And hopefully move on with Lila.
Lila
It’s time to say good-bye to the ring. I haven’t put it on since I took it off while laying with Ethan and I haven’t wanted to. Now I want it gone. Forever.
I decide to go to the nearest pawn shop, which is in walking distance from the apartment. I walk into the run-down brick store pretty much shaking at the idea of setting it down on the counter, not because I am afraid but because I am so excited to be letting go of it and everything that it represents.
I have my hair down, barely touching my shoulders, and a tank top and frayed shorts on. I look so much different than the girl the ring was given to, and not just because I’m older but because I’m stronger. I’m not some girl searching for love in all the wrong places. I’m a girl who found love in the right place.
I set the ring down on the glass counter, my fingers trembling, the cashier guy looks at me like I am a crack addict, but it is okay because I am getting rid of the damn ring.
“How much can you give me for this?” I ask, wiping my sweaty palm on the side of my shorts.
He picks it up and scans it over, pretending to only be half interested. Honestly, I probably would accept a dollar, even though I need the money, because it would mean the ring is gone from my life. Luckily, though, he gives me enough that I could afford part of the rent, food, and a plane ticket to San Diego.
I tuck the cash into my pocket, smiling as I head for the door. When I step out into the sunlight, my smile only broadens and it’s the realest smile I’ve ever had because finally I’m free from my past.
Ethan
I return home from work the afternoon Lila and I are supposed to be flying out to San Diego prepared to tell Lila about who London really is and that I’m going to fly to Virginia before I head to California to see her. Normally in these kinds of situations, I’d just pack up my shit and go. I’m not used to telling anyone what I’m doing, but bailing out on Lila isn’t an option. I don’t want to hurt her, and I want her to understand and be okay with it and for her to know that I want to be with her.
“Hey,” Lila says when I walk into her room, all sweaty from the heat of the desert sun beating down on me all day. She has her suitcase opened up on her bed and she’s folding clothes and putting them into it. Her hair is pulled up and she’s got a thin tank top on that hugs her curves and for a moment I just stare at her, mesmerized by how beautiful she is. “You should go shower and pack your clothes. Our flight leaves in, like, five hours.”
I walk up to the foot of the bed, watching her move back and forth. She’s gorgeous and still so sad, but the sadness disappears every time I hold her, kiss her. It’s been a long damn time since I’ve spent so much time with the same girl, or with anyone really, and it’s nice, new, and uncomfortable.
“I have to tell you something,” I say cautiously. Panic immediately floods her eyes as she looks up at me and I quickly take her hand. “It’s not bad. It’s actually good I think. But you’re going to have to trust me.”
“Okay.” She sounds very distrustful but sits with me as I guide us to the bed, our fingers threaded together. “What is it?”
I take a deep breath. “I never booked the ticket to San Diego like I told you I did.”
Her expression falls. “What? Why?” She pauses, looking uncomfortable. “Was it because you couldn’t afford it? Because I still have some extra money from some of the jewelry I sold off.”
“No, it’s not that. I have enough saved up.” I rub my free hand down my face, blowing out a stressed breath. “You remember how I told you I stopped doing drugs very abruptly, but I never said why?”
She nods, her eyes scanning my face. “Yeah…”
“Well, the reason why was because of something that happened to this girl I was dating,” I say, massaging the back of my neck. “We were pretty serious. In fact, besides you, she was the only girl I’ve considered my girlfriend.” I pause as she tries not to smile. At first I don’t get why, but then as I retrace my words it clicks. I just declared she was my girlfriend and not even on purpose. I could take it back, but it seems really stupid and not what I want to do.
“She was into drugs,” I continue, trying to stay focused. “Heavy drugs, like her**n.” I swallow hard as images of that day surface. Needles. Sadness. Pleading. Me walking away. “The last time I saw her she was shooting up… I tried to talk her out of it, but once London made up her mind it was very hard to change it.” I inhale and exhale probably a thousand times before I can continue, the emotions I’ve kept trapped inside pouring out of me. “I got a call the next morning from her mother, saying she’d fallen out the window of a two-story house. No one at the house supposedly knew why—whether she jumped or fell. She had some serious head trauma… amnesia to be exact, but her mom was really hopeful that’d it be temporary.” I pause, remembering what it felt like to know London was alive but that she couldn’t remember anything about me—us. It hurt worse than being beaten, yelled at, watching your mother go through torture just so she could stay with your dad. It was like London had died but her spirit was still walking around haunting me. “It wasn’t temporary, though, and she never remembered who I was or a lot about herself.”
Lila swallows hard, her blue eyes massive as she grasps my hand. “Is she still… is she still like that?”
I nod, feeling either her pulse or mine throbbing in my fingertips. “Her name’s London, which I’m sure you remember from when you caught me muttering in my sleep. Rae—her mother—keeps asking me to go there, hoping that after four years I can help London remember something, even though the doctors told her it’s pretty much impossible—that the damage is irreversible.”
Lila stares at me forever and it drives me insane because I need to know what she’s thinking and how she feels about what I just told her because quite honestly I’m perplexed as hell over what I feel. Strangely, I almost feel liberated, like I’m finally letting everything I felt out.
“She must have meant a lot to you,” Lila finally says, holding my gaze.
“She did,” I admit, tracing my finger across the inside of her wrist. “She was the first girl I ever really thought I might love.”
Lila swallows hard again, biting her lip, looking like she’s tearing up. I want to tell her that I think I might be in love with her. I want to let her know how I feel and that she means the world to me. I don’t want her to cry or hurt. I want her to be happy, like the Lila I first met, only this time her happiness will be real, not pill induced.
“Are you going to go and see her like her mother wants you to?” Lila asks nervously and I feel her hand tense in mine.
I press my lips together and nod. “I think I have to, for a lot of different reasons. One being that I never really said good-bye to London. I was always kind of too afraid to.”
Lila smashes her lips together so hard they turn purple. “Okay…” It comes out breathy. “I understand.”
Shaking my head, I bring my free hand up to her face and brush back her hair. “Lila, it’s not like what you’re thinking. It’s just something I have to do. I have to say good-bye to her, because I never really did. I just kept holding on to her, which is part of the reason why I’ve felt so stuck in my life. If I go see her, then maybe I can quit living in the past and move forward.” I take a deep breath. “With you.” And there it is. The truth.
I can tell she’s struggling with whether to be happy or sad. She tips her head back, attempting not to cry. “You’ll be there for Ella and Micha’s wedding, though, right? Because it’s in, like, a few days.”
“Of course. Micha would f**king kick my ass if I didn’t show up,” I say, wishing she’d look at me, wishing I knew what she’s thinking. “Besides, I take credit for the fact that their dumb asses are even getting married. If it weren’t for me, they’d still be trying to please each other instead of actually telling each other how they feel.”
That gets her to look at me and laugh and the sound of it is so amazing, I swear I could fill a thousand pages with words describing the beauty in it. “You’re probably right. They are both very stubborn.”
“So are we,” I say, thinking about how hard I fought against my feelings for her.
She nods, agreeing. “Yes, we are.”
“Yeah… we definitely are…” I drift off as I lean in to kiss her, wanting to lick and bite her again—wanting to be inside her again like I was the other night. We haven’t had sex since then, not because I don’t want to. I want to so f**king bad my c*ck gets hard just thinking about it. But after what Lila told me, I’m not going to push things until I know she wants it. Plus, I want to go say good-bye to London first so I can hopefully have a completely clear head.
Lila meets me half way, brushing her lips against mine and she instantly groans and clutches on to me. By the time we finish kissing, we’re lying on her bed, my body pressed on hers and I’m sweatier than I was when I got home from work. “I’m going to go take a shower and pack,” I say, my lips hovering over hers. I bite at her bottom lip and then suck it into my mouth before I force myself to move away and get up from the bed.
“Are you sure?” she asks, batting her eyelashes up at me as she grips my arms, trying to pull me back. “We could keep kissing and see where it will go.”
“Oh, I know where it will go,” I assure her. “But I also know that I need to pack and if I start kissing you again, I’m not going to be able to stop. I’ll probably want to keep going all night, over and over and over again.” My voice drops to a husky growl and she blushes.
Trying to pretend she’s not all hot and flustered, she gets to her feet and returns to her suitcase. “Are you flying to Virginia today?” She folds a pair of shorts up and places them in the suitcase.
I nod from the doorway with my hands braced on the door frame. “I’m flying out about the same time you are and then I’ll fly to San Diego on Friday.”
“So you’ll be spending three days in Virginia?” she asks, fighting a frown as she folds up a shirt.
I nod. “Yeah.”
She’s obviously uncomfortable with the idea and I feel bad that she is. But I need to do this. I know it’s going to be hard, finally letting go of London and my guilt after all these years of holding on to it. But I know I can do it, because I want Lila, want to give her what she deserves, needs, more than I’ve wanted to do anything else in my life.
Lila
I’m trying to be strong, but it’s difficult. I’ve finally opened myself up to someone and then he tells me about his one and only other girlfriend, who has amnesia apparently. I can see in his eyes that he still really cares for her and I wonder if he might still love her. It feels like my heart is breaking, until he calls me his girlfriend. That helps a little. As much as I want to be secure about our relationship, I’m still battling with my inner self-doubting demons. I’m still figuring out who I am and who I want to be. All I really know is that I love Ethan and haven’t told him that yet. And now he’s going to see his ex-girlfriend.