“There’s something else.”
I hold up my index finger and shake it back and forth in front of his face. “Don’t say it. Never say it.”
He looks down at me. “There’s only one way forward. I have to tell you—”
“Don’t say it—”
“I love you.” I make a crazy sound and spin around and stomp my foot. Marty follows me, explaining, “I’m madly in love with my best friend. I can’t help it. I can’t stop it. I watch you in silence. I say nothing, but I can’t do it anymore. You like these guys who don’t give a shit about you. You’re making a mistake.”
Hysterical laughter bubbles up my throat. “I’m making a mistake? Me? Really, that’s how you want to play this.” I want to say more, but I can’t. I can’t burn this bridge. Tears sting my eyes. I can’t let it go. “What did you think would happen when I found out? Did you think I’d just overlook it? That was one of the biggest secrets you had and you told me. I told you things about me because of that. I let you in because you trusted me with your fake f**king secret.”
I press my eyes closed and suck in a slow breath. When I look up, Marty is watching me. He looks terrified, but I can’t help him. I can’t gloss over it like nothing happened. My fists tighten at my sides. I know how this will end. I’m an idiot. All my friends lied to me. They let me believe whatever I wanted. I didn’t know them at all.
I’ve been quiet too long. The crowd watching us disperses. Marty finally speaks. “Avery, say something.”
Grief weighs heavily on me, crushing my shoulders and souring my stomach. “There’s nothing to say.” I walk away without another word. Marty stands in the quad with his hands at his sides. He doesn’t follow. He doesn’t beg for my forgiveness.
CHAPTER 10
By the time I’m back at the dorm, I’m fuming. I can’t believe Marty lied to me this whole time. I’m not really watching where I’m going smack into someone’s shoulder. I glance up and see Mel swallow back down the sharp words that were about to blast into me for bumping her.
“Sorry. I’m kind of—” I don’t know what I am. I stop talking and fold my arms over my chest. “Where are you off to?”
“Wrong question. Where am I coming back from? And the answer is Black’s. And she told me some twisted shit, so let’s chat.” Mel jerks her head to the side and I turn back and follow her to her room.
“What twisted stuff was she saying about me?” I ask as I slump into Mel’s perfectly pink chair. I steeple my fingers and arch an eyebrow at her.
Mel laughs and sits on the edge of her bed. “She said that you’re pulling a double this weekend, as in two guys. Is that true?”
“Well, yeah, but not at the same time.” My mind goes back to that list at Miss Black’s. I said I’d do anything. I didn’t even look to see if a ménage à trois was on there. It probably is. My eyes flick up to Mel’s.
“Avery, what the hell are you doing?” Mel has her hands in her lap. She leans forward and rests her elbows on her knees. “I heard what you said at Sean’s last week. You went bat-shit crazy, by the way.”
I laugh at her. “That wasn’t bat-shit crazy.”
“No. I distinctly remember you saying you didn’t want this. You didn’t want this life. You were talking about Black. You said you couldn’t do it anymore, but here you are signing up to f**k two guys in one weekend. Have you lost your mind?”
“I don’t have a choice, do I? Black is pissed at me. She’s always pissed at me. If I didn’t say I was open to anything, she would have tossed me by now.” I can’t let that happen. I have to finish what I started. I need to get my degree so I can get on with my life. This is just a stepping-stone; at least, I thought it was.
Mel looks like she doesn’t know what to say. She finally says, “You’re not cut out for this. You’re too soft. When I suggested it, I had no idea. Avery, you should call Black and bow out.”
“You think I should quit?”
“I think you should to cut yourself off from Sean, and go after that other guy. Black said he’s in love with you. It would fix your money problems and you seem to like the idea of screwing around with one guy. Who knew you were Miss Monogamy?”
I tense. “Henry is not in love with me.”
Mel shrugs and sits up. “Say what you want, but you have a problem. And it’s the self-destructive exploding kind.”
I don’t know what to say. I look at the hole in my jeans and pick at the frayed fabric. “You don’t think I can do it?”
She shakes her head. “No. I’m sorry I brought you there. The only way you can go through with this is if you change and become so apathetic that you don’t care who does you. Do you want to be that girl?”
“Are you that girl?”
Mel flinches like I slapped her. “What the fuck? No, I’m not that girl! I like my job. I have one client on most weekends. One guy. It fits into my idea of normal. This isn’t normal for you. In what universe would you sleep with two guys back-to-back like that? In what universe would you do it when you know they hate each other? Even if you were a spiteful bitch, which you’re not, you still wouldn’t do that. This reality you’ve made doesn’t mesh inside your head. There’s only one outcome when things get like that and it ain’t pretty.”
I swallow hard. My eyes shift back and forth before I look up at her. “Henry doesn’t want sex, not yet.”
She laughs, like I’m funny. “What? So how far are you going with him this weekend? Does he know you’re f**king Sean first?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t think so. Henry wanted to date me. He’s pretending that we—”
Mel shakes her head. Her huge earrings swing back and forth. “No. That is not okay. That’s when things get messed up. The guy will think he’s with you.”
“Henry knows he’s not.”
“But it feels like he is. I’m telling you, this is a bad plan, Avery. Get out of it.”
I glance at my hands and turn my palms over. “I never thought I’d do stuff like this, you know? I never thought I’d have to. Pratz wants me to cut back my hours. He said if I don’t, grad school isn’t a possibility. They’ll admit me, but I won’t be able to keep up. Then Black hires me out for the entire weekend.” Glancing up at Mel, I say, “I thought I’d find someone, you know? I thought he’d save me from all this, but no one came. I’m the only person who can save me and this is the only way to do it.”
“You’re sacrificing yourself. I’m telling you, once you do this—I mean really do it—you won’t be the same. And once you start taking a client every night, there’s no going back. The person you were before will be gone, whether you want to lose her or not.”
I smile sadly and fold my arms over my chest. “It’s strange. Earlier today I argued that people don’t change—that they can’t. But I know this is changing me, but I can’t walk away. There are no other choices, Mel.”
“Tell Black no.”
“She’ll fire me. Gabe said she went to do it and changed her mind. Black’s getting an insane amount of money this weekend because of me. I can’t walk away…”
“But you want to.”
I flick my eyes up and catch her gaze. Hell yeah, I want to. I want to walk away from everything and everyone. There’s nothing here for me. My friends lie to me. My lovers are paid. Worst of all, I don’t even know who I am anymore. Pressing my lips together, I take a deep breath and nod. “Yeah, I want to, but I must of screwed up my juju at some point because the past few years have totally sucked. That explains everything.
I rub my eyes and say, “Guess who’s not gay? Guess who’s been lying to me since he met me?”
Mel’s caramel eyes widen. “Marty’s straight? What the hell? He’s been lying to you. Oh my God. Oh my God! How could he do that?” She’s on the edge of the bed, ready to jump off.
“He said it was the only way to get to know me. He never said he was gay. I assumed he was.”
“That little shit. I’m gonna bust his face next time I see him.”
“He said he loves me.” I stare straight ahead, too overwhelmed to deal with it. He’s my friend, but... Damn it. Why did he have to say that?
Mel’s mouth forms a little O. She blinks rapidly and whistles. “Holy shit. What’d you do? Did you rip his arms off? Is there a trail of limbs in the quad?”
“No, I’m not you.” Mel smirks at me. “I told him off and walked away.”
“Marty’s your best friend, well, I mean when I’m not around. So what’d he think you would do?”
I shrug. “I have no idea. He said he couldn’t take it anymore. When I started working for Black, everything changed. Marty didn’t like it.”
“Damn, girl.” Mel looks pissed. She keeps shaking her head in slow motion with her lips pressed into a thin line. “I’m gonna tear him one.”
“Leave it alone. I mean, if you guys are friends, do what you have to, but I don’t know what to do with him anymore. It kind of freaked me out.” He’s so sweet, but I don’t think of him like that. That’s how we ended up being friends. I’m leery of guys who want to hang around for no reason, because there’s never no reason. Even with Marty. Why is every guy I know screwed up?
I look up at Mel. “You really think it’ll change me?” I’m talking about working for Black again, about the two men I’m supposed to be with this weekend.
Mel is completely serious. She drops her thick accent and head swaying ways. “It will. And Sean wants some f**ked up shit. If that doesn’t change you, you’re not alive. Throw in the other guy and I don’t see how you’ll be the same after two nights with crazy and one afternoon with choir boy.” Mel looks up at me. “Avery, Sean wants to own you. I’ve seen guys like that before, but he’s ten times more twisted. He’ll break you to do it. That’s part of what he wants.” I’m about to ask how she can be sure when she glances at the floor and pushes off the bed. “I know, because I asked him what he’d do to me.”
I swallow hard and pull my feet under my legs. “He told you?”
She nods. “He honed in on the thing that I couldn’t—“ She makes a noise in the back of her throat and shakes her head. “He found what scares me shitless and he’d use it against me. How can you want to be with someone like that? Does he know what freaks you out like that?”
I nod. “He figured it out already.”
“I don’t know, Avery. The whole thing is messed up. You’re getting into mental f**ks and most people don’t bounce back from those.”
CHAPTER 11
I’m wearing a new silky blue dress with a swishy skirt. Black just sent me off with pride on her face. Sean must have spoken with her at length about me. I pull out the little bracelet and put it on my wrist. This one fits better than the last.