There were times (and this was one of them) when Odrade wished she had been born in an earlier era - a Roman matron in the long pax of the aristocrats, or a much-pampered Victorian. But she was trapped by time and circumstances.
Trapped forever?
Must face that possibility. The Sisterhood might have only a future confined to secret hideaways, always fearing discovery. The future of the hunted. And here at Central we may be allowed no more than one mistake.
"I've had enough of this inspection!" Odrade called for private transport and hurried them back to her workroom.
What will we do if the hunters come upon us here?
Each of them had her own scenario, a little playlet full of planned reactions. But every Reverend Mother was sufficiently a realist to know her playlet might be more hindrance than help.
In the workroom, morning light harshly revealing on everything around them, Odrade sank into her chair and waited for Tamalane and Bellonda to take their seats.
No more of those damned analysis sessions. She really needed access to something better than Archives, better than anything they had ever used before. Inspiration. Odrade rubbed her legs, feeling muscles tremble. She had not slept well for days. This inspection left her feeling frustrated.
One mistake could end us and I am about to commit us to a no-return decision.
Am I being too tricky?
Her advisors argued against tricky solutions. They said the Sisterhood must move with steady assurance, the ground ahead known in advance. Everything they did lay counterpoised by the disaster awaiting them at the slightest misstep.
And I am on the tightrope over the chasm.
Did they have room to experiment, to test possible solutions? They all played that game. Bell and Tam screened a constant flow of suggestions but nothing more effective than their atomic Scattering.
We must be prepared to kill Idaho at the slightest sign he is a Kwisatz Haderach," Bellonda said.
"Don't you have work to do? Get out of here, both of you!"
As they stood, the workroom around Odrade took on an alien feeling. What was wrong? Bellonda stared down at her with that awful look of censure. Tamalane appeared more wise than she could possibly be.
What is it about this room?
The workroom would have been recognized for its function by humans from pre-space history. What felt so alien? A worktable was a worktable and the chairs were in convenient positions. Bell and Tam preferred chairdogs. Those would have seemed odd to the early human in Other Memory she suspected was coloring her view. The ridulian crystals might glisten strangely, the light pulsing in them and blinking. Messages dancing above the table might be surprising. Instruments of her labors could appear strange to an early human sharing her awareness.
But it felt alien to me.
"Are you all right, Dar?" Tam spoke with concern.
Odrade waved her away but neither woman moved.
Things were happening in her mind that could not be blamed on the long hours and insufficient rest. This was not the first time she had felt she worked in alien surroundings. The previous night while eating a snack at this table, the surface littered with assignment orders as it was now, she had found herself just sitting and staring at uncompleted work.
Which Sisters could be spared from what posts for this terrible Scattering? How could they improve survival chances of the few sandtrout the Scattered Sisters took? What was a proper allotment of melange? Should they wait before sending more Sisters into the unknown? Wait for the possibility that Scytale could be induced to tell them how axlotl tanks produced the spice?
Odrade recalled that the alien feeling had occurred to her as she chewed on a sandwich. She had looked at it, opening it slightly. What is this thing I'm eating? Chicken liver and onions on some of the best Chapterhouse bread.
Questioning her own routines, that was part of this alien sensation.
"You look ill," Bellonda said.
"Just fatigue," Odrade lied. They knew she was lying but would they challenge her? "You both must be equally tired." Affection in her tone.
Bell was not satisfied. "You set a bad example!"
"What? Me?" The jesting was not lost on Bell.
"You know damned well you do!"
"It's your displays of affection," Tamalane said.
"Even for Bell."
"I don't want your damned affection! It's wrong."
"Only if I let it rule my decisions, Bell. Only then."
Bellonda's voice fell to a husky whisper. "Some think you're a dangerous romantic, Dar. You know what that could do."
"Ally Sisters with me for other than our survival. Is that what you mean?"
"Sometimes you give me a headache, Dar!"
"It's my duty and right to give you a headache. When your head fails to ache, you become careless. Affections bother you but hates don't."
"I know my flaw."
You couldn't be a Reverend Mother and not know it.
The workroom once more had become a familiar place but now Odrade knew a source of her alien feelings. She was thinking of this place as part of ancient history, viewing it as she might when it was long gone. As it certainly would be if her plan succeeded. She knew what she had to do now. Time to reveal the first step.
Careful.
Yes, Tar, I'm as cautious as you were.
Tam and Bell might be old but their minds were sharp when necessity required it.
Odrade fixed her gaze on Bell. "Patterns, Bell. It is our pattern not to offer violence for violence." Raising a hand to stop Bell's response. "Yes, violence builds more violence and the pendulum swings until the violent ones are shattered."
"What are you thinking?" Tam demanded.