I winced. So. She’d heard that last part. She obviously hadn’t heard the rest, or she wouldn’t be nearly so calm. I had to choose my next words very carefully. If I gave her a total lie, there could be trouble if she ever found out the truth. And yet, I couldn’t answer with full honesty either, so I opted for something that skirted the truth.
“It’s stupid.” I rolled my eyes and munched on my side of bacon to buy me more time. “Jerks like that think it’s hilarious to try to recruit new humans as feeders. They take a human out and talk a bunch of crap to try to win them over.”
She actually dropped her fork. “Are you serious?” She glanced over her shoulder and studied them in disbelief. “They . . . they wanted to talk me into being a feeder?” She was so shocked at the idea of her being a feeder that she didn’t even think about the implications of them openly discussing vampires with outsiders. Feeders were usually recruited from the fringes of human society, often from those who were already addicted to something and had little promise in their lives. Living with the Moroi was an upgrade. Normal, active members of human society were never approached.
“It’s okay,” I assured her. “I blew them off. They’re not going to try anything. They think you’re pretty—which is true—but they’re just a bunch of talk. They won’t even remember it when they sober up.”
Sydney still looked worried and tore her muffin into pieces without eating or speaking.
“I’m serious,” I said, wishing I could touch her hand. “They’re a**holes. They’re nobodies. I’d never let them do anything like that.”
She eventually nodded and then gave me a smile of such warmth and trust that I wanted to die for my lie. “I know,” she said.
I swallowed and tried not to pay attention to where Wesley and his friends sat, still casting covert looks back at us. “Let’s hurry up and do some sightseeing. Best time to do it, with everyone in bed. Maybe, maybe, we should look for another coat for me.”
As I hoped, the satisfaction of being right perked her up. “I knew it! I knew you had to be freezing.”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re a genius, Sage. We’ll get the coat, bum around, and then maybe visit bed like everyone else for a while.”
Before long, those drunken idiots were a distant memory. We sneaked into my parents’ town house and found an old winter coat of mine. My dad was there, sound asleep, and never knew we came by. After that, I did my best to point out all the old architecture I thought she’d be into. I didn’t know any of the technicalities, but as I’d hoped, she did, and she loved it. We wrapped up back in her room afterward, cuddling in bed until our appointed meeting time. It was an amazing day.
Back at the palace, Lissa had arranged for a vast breakfast buffet for all of us. It was dinnertime for Sydney and me, but we didn’t mind the repeat, and she certainly didn’t mind the ready supply of decaf coffee. People chatted in clusters throughout the room as we ate, and Nina beckoned me over from the opposite side, where she stood with Neil and Olive. I smiled and mouthed “maybe later” to her.
Rose strolled over to us, carrying a plate with five donuts on it. Dhampir metabolism was nuts, and I could almost understand Sydney’s weird body hang-ups when she spent time around people who could eat so much and still keep decent figures.
“Did you have a good day?” Rose asked. “I assume you weren’t sleeping it away like the rest of us.”
Sydney laughed. “No. Neither was Adrian. He’s been converted to our Palm Springs schedule, so he took me around and showed me all the wonders of the Moroi Court.”
Rose shot me a pleased and proud look, like she could barely believe I’d do anything so thoughtful. “Well, good. Hopefully it’s another step in convincing you we aren’t all bloodthirsty minions of hell.”
Sydney started to laugh again and then grew pensive. “Well . . . not all of you.”
“What do you mean?” Rose asked, her words muffled in a chocolate donut.
“It’s nothing,” said Sydney. “Just some drunk guys we met who wanted to . . . what’d you say it was, Adrian? Dabbling?”
Rose nearly choked on her donut. “They did what?”
“They didn’t do anything,” I said carefully. An uneasy feeling spread over me, and I prayed we’d either abruptly change topic or that Lissa would start this operation.
“Who the hell would even suggest that?” I recognized that look on Rose’s face, the one that said her fist had an appointment with someone. “Tell me who they are.”
Sydney seemed touched by the concern. “It’s nothing, and Adrian’s right. They didn’t do anything. He scared them off. Besides, it’s not like they could’ve talked me into doing it.”
I was feeling ill. I glanced around the room. “Hey, where’s Honest Abe? Wasn’t he supposed to get Sydney’s goods?”
Rose didn’t even hear me. Her gaze was fixed firmly on Sydney. “Do you know what dabbling is?”
“Yeah,” said Sydney uncertainly. “It’s when they try to convince you to be a feeder.”
“I wouldn’t say ‘convince’ is the right word,” growled Rose. “It’s when Moroi go out and drug a random human so that they can drink from him or her. Usually her, since it’s usually guys behind it. The human’s kind of out of it from the drug and doesn’t remember anything later, just that they somehow ended up with bruises on their neck. It’s essentially date rape for blood drinking.”
Sydney looked so pale, she could’ve been one of the Moroi. “What . . .”
Rose seemed to realize just how traumatizing that might be to an Alchemist and tried to backpedal. “It doesn’t happen very often,” she said quickly. “And it’d never happen here—especially if you’ve got Adrian as your noble defender. And me.”
Sydney couldn’t formulate a response.
Someone called for Rose, and she bit her lip, glancing worriedly between Sydney and me. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Don’t freak out. There’s nothing to worry about.” She gently touched Sydney’s arm. Sydney flinched and pulled back. Rose heard her name again and glanced up at me. “Talk to her. I’ll be back.”
She scurried away, and I took a step closer to Sydney, who thankfully didn’t jerk away. “She’s right, it’s—”
Sydney’s eyes sharpened. “Why did you lie to me?”
I pointed at her. “Exactly because of this. I didn’t want to scare you.”
“You shouldn’t have sugarcoated it,” she said. “I’m tough enough to handle it.”
“I know you are,” I said softly. “I’m just not tough enough to tell you ugly things. I figured the point was the same: It’s a bunch of bastards taking advantage of someone.”
She nodded, and I held my breath, hoping we were done with this. Then, that cursed memory of hers came into play. “One of them said you used to not mind. Did you go along with it?” Her breath suddenly caught. “Did you ever do it?”
The world swayed around me. I wished to God I had my spirit back so that I could compel her into discussing The Great Gatsby. Instead, I manned up and answered as concisely as I could: “Sort of.”
CHAPTER 16
SYDNEY
“SORT OF?” I DEMANDED. “How can you sort of do . . . something like that?”
I couldn’t bring myself to go into detail. What Rose had just described was horrible. It was the kind of thing Alchemists had nightmares about, the kind of thing that confirmed every allegation of dark, twisted creatures.
Adrian glanced around, but everyone else was preoccupied with their own conversations. “It wasn’t like that. I never drugged anyone. It was a long time ago, just one time, when I was a lot younger and a lot stupider. We were out at a club, and we ended up hanging out with some human girls. They were all drinking a lot—we all were—and there was one who liked me. She got pretty wasted, one thing led to another . . .”
“And you drank from her,” I finished. “When she really didn’t know what was going on.”
“I didn’t drink very much.” I could tell from his expression that even he knew it was a lame excuse. “And technically, she drugged herself.”
I swallowed and tried to address it in an objective Alchemist way. “That was beyond careless. You could’ve exposed the vampire world! Our whole job is covering you guys up, and then you just show everyone.”
“I don’t think she remembered.”
“That almost makes it worse.” My objectivity crumbled. “What you did . . . how could you? It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t a drug! No, it was. Alcohol’s as bad as anything you could’ve slipped her. You took advantage of someone who wasn’t in control of herself. It was a violation.”
Pain crossed his features. “Hell, Sydney. I wasn’t in control of myself.”
“You think that justifies it?” I hissed. “And even if it was ‘just one time,’ how many other times did you look the other way while those friends of yours did a lot worse things?”
“They aren’t my friends anymore. And do you think I could’ve really stopped them?”
“Did you even try?” I demanded.
“I was a different person then!” Realizing how loud he’d gotten, Adrian stepped forward and lowered his voice. “You of all people should understand that. Not even a year ago, you were making the sign against evil around us and wouldn’t shake hands because you thought we were the spawn of Satan.”
“Yeah, well, maybe I was right. And don’t even try to compare superstition to . . . to . . . blood rape.”
He winced. “I’m not saying it’s in the same class. I’m saying people change. We grow up, we learn. You know the kind of person I am. You know I wouldn’t even dream of something like that now.”
“Do I?” I tried to summon up as much outrage as I could because if I didn’t, I might start crying. No way would I crack in a room full of Moroi. “Are you saying you wouldn’t drink my blood if you had the chance? That you don’t think about it?”
“No.” He spoke with such certainty that I almost believed him. “The only thing I want from your body is—well, it’s not that. And you should know that.”
I didn’t know that I did. I turned away, trying to come to terms with something that had just knocked my world off-kilter. I had long ago accepted that he had an extensive romantic past. Surprisingly, it didn’t bother me so much anymore. It was before my time. Those girls were gone. He didn’t love them. He’d been free, and if he’d wanted to fool around with girls who wanted to as well, then that was his right.
And yet . . . here he was, admitting to fooling around with a girl who hadn’t wanted to. “Fooling around” was being kind, considering what he’d done. Drinking blood was probably the biggest sin Moroi committed, in Alchemist eyes. I’d made my peace with it, that it was their way of life, but it still made me squeamish. It was nothing I could watch, and I was always relieved when Jill and Adrian finished at Clarence’s. Now, I couldn’t shake the image of him doing that terrible thing. He embodied every fear Alchemists had about monsters stalking unwitting victims.
“Sydney . . .”
The pain in his voice made my heart ache, but I had no words of comfort to offer. I couldn’t even comfort myself. He said he’d changed, but was that enough? Could that make up for something so horrific?
“Sorry I’m late.” Abe strolled in with a dhampir man I didn’t know, giving me something to look at besides Adrian’s grief-stricken face. Abe was carrying a crate and wore a bright teal silk scarf. He probably loved that it was winter. “Some of these things aren’t so easy to get a hold of.”
“But you got everything?” asked Lissa eagerly.
“Of course.” Abe gestured grandly to the dhampir beside him. “Including our tattooist, Horace. We’re ready to start when you are.”
It wasn’t until all eyes in the room swiveled in my direction that I realized he was talking to me. For a moment, my mind was blank. Why on earth were they staring at me? What was I supposed to do? The only thing I could think about was Adrian and that dark confession. Then, slowly, the scientist in me stirred. Right. The ink. Measurements, chemicals. I could do that. There was no moral ambiguity there.
Throwing my shoulders back, I strode up to Abe and spoke in a cold voice I hadn’t used in a very long time. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”
He set out the supplies on a wide table. I examined each one critically and then nodded in satisfaction. “It’s all here.”
“What do you need us to do?” he asked.
“Stay out of my way.”
I pulled up a wooden stool and then took out my cell phone, which contained the exact formula and directions for making the Alchemist ink. A heavy silence fell on us, and I tried to ignore the fact that I had an audience. It had been a long time since I worked with Alchemist substances, though the concentration and diligence weren’t that different from creating spell components. I was simply facilitating chemical reactions instead of magical ones.
It was straightforward Alchemist work, but my hands trembled as I measured and mixed. I had to keep forcing my mind back to the task, away from my broken heart. When they realized the procedure wasn’t going to take five minutes, the group dispersed and talked quietly among themselves, finally giving me some privacy. Rose and Dimitri, thinking I was upset about helping Moroi, stopped by once to tell me what a great thing I was doing. I took their praise with a curt nod.