I knew I should feel fear, that I should be terrified of this version of him. But I couldn’t find that emotion anywhere. All I felt was a love so strong, so severe, so consuming that it seemed to spark all over my body like a living, breathing part of me.
His eyes were the same honey-colored light they always had been, even if they were hard now, hard and distant.
He didn’t say a word, but slipped off his leather dress shoes and then scooted back on my bed. He laid down while I watched him, while he kept me locked in his devouring stare.
He was dressed up again- in brown trousers and another white oxford. And he was wearing dress socks. I loved his dress socks. But I hated that he was wearing this outfit. It was like the Fallen dress code and it wasn’t him.
I stayed by the door, too afraid of what he was asking of me.
His jaw clenched tighter and he patted the spot next to him impatiently. I let out a long sigh, but followed his silent command. I flipped the light switch and climbed into bed.
He was in his nice clothes and I was wearing my pajamas- sleep shorts and a cami- but I blushed from the feeling that we were nak*d next to each other.
We had slept together before, but every time had seemed innocent until now. There wasn’t anything different other than he’d lost his soul.
And I didn’t know if I was strong enough to tell him no, if he pushed me.
Mostly, because I didn’t know if I wanted to tell him no.
But in the end it didn’t matter because he didn’t even try to kiss me.
I had crawled onto the bed and laid on my back with inches between us. I felt his presence next to me as if he were shouting at me. Every inch of him, from where his head curled around on the pillow above mine to his toes that stretched beyond where mine reached. His body still radiated heat, even though it wasn’t his Light. And that seemed strange to me. He wasn’t a vacuum of cold, icy air.
“This isn’t going to do, Stella,” he whispered in a hoarse, gravelly voice that sent shivers skittering over my skin.
I held my breath as he pulled me into his body. I turned my back to him and he tucked me into him. His face nuzzled the back of my neck and I felt him breathe me in.
I still hadn’t breathed- I couldn’t. I was too afraid to ruin this, too afraid to bring reality crashing in around us. I felt his hot breath on my nape and I nestled into him further.
He wrapped both arms around me until we were comfortable and completely intertwined. His face stayed buried in my neck and he held me so impossibly tight that I had to urge him to give me a little bit of breathing room.
When we were finally settled, he let out a soul-deep sigh that brought tears to my eyes.
“Seth,” I whispered.
“I need you,” he answered as if I had asked a question. “Whatever is left of me, I need you Stella.”
I just closed my eyes as the tears flowed down my face and soaked my pillow. It seemed like only seconds passed by until his breathing evened out and became heavier. But even after he fell asleep he never loosened his hold on me. He held me pressed against his chest the entire night.
I lay awake for a long time. My mind was in complete turmoil, but my body was absolutely relaxed against his. A feeling had begun to unfurl inside of me- a purpose and thought. I hadn’t wanted to face it, so it was facing me instead. I had never seen my life, destiny or future any clearer than this moment.
I suppressed it as deliberately as I could, but it wouldn’t go away. It became this itching, crawling, living thing inside me. I fought with it until I couldn’t keep my eyes awake anymore. And finally when I finally fell asleep, I decided I would ignore it no matter what. At least for now. At least until I turned eighteen and Seth could have a fighting chance of coming back to me.
Chapter Sixteen
I felt Seth stir next to me and my eyes shot open. The early morning sun was burning my room with a haze of gray light. I lay as still as I could, trying very hard not to change anything about me.
I was afraid to wake him up. I had no idea which version of him I would meet this morning. He could kiss me just as easily as he could put a knife to my throat.
It was too late though. I felt him yawn against my back and snuggle in closer. And then he seemed to remember where he was. His arms tensed before he abruptly flipped me over so that I was on my back looking up at him.
His sleep-mussed hair was wild and curlier than usual. His eyes were still just a bit confused and his jaw had a healthy overnight growth across it.
He looked amazing.
I didn’t even want to analyze what I looked like in the morning with my frizzed out hair and missing makeup. It wasn’t something I could even think about.
But truthfully, I couldn’t think about anything with him staring so intently at me.
He was trying to see something or find something in me. I just didn’t know what it was.
“I haven’t slept that well…. in a while,” he finally admitted.
We were silent for a minute before I finally asked, “Are you still having nightmares?” I couldn’t feel him anymore. There wasn’t a connection left for me to know what he was going through or feeling.
A cruel smile tilted his lips and he murmured in a deceptively seductive voice, “No, now I’m living them.”
Sadness overrode every other emotion and I lifted my hand to cup his jaw. “I’m going to find a way to get you out of this.”
He laughed bitterly, “Are you? You’re going to save me? Come rescue me?” His tone was biting and acerbic. I shrunk back from him with a battered heart and tears pooling in the corner of my eyes. “It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?”
I shook my head, hating that I was so sensitive around Seth. If any other person taunted me like this, I would kick their ass and enjoy watching them suffer. But this was Seth. Just a few weeks ago he was the sweetest, most caring person I had ever known. He got frustrated with me, but he was never cruel or purposefully hurtful.
He took in my pained expression and seemed to make an effort to get a better hold of himself. His eyes scrunched shut and I watched the muscles in his throat work hard to swallow. He shook out his tussled hair and then slowly opened his eyes to look at me again.
“I should go.”
I just nodded because he was right. Even though I didn’t want him to. Even though I couldn’t stand to be apart from him like this.
“I have work to do,” he reiterated.
And this time it felt like he was convincing himself.
“And I have school,” I offered.
He nodded.
“Will you come back tonight?” I was almost afraid to ask, but I was desperate for him to say that he was.
“I can’t.” His voice was ragged and he couldn’t look at me. “This was just…. this was a moment of weakness.”
“Oh.”
He pulled his arm out from underneath me and pressed up on his hands. He hovered over me and suddenly dragged his nose from my navel up my stomach and then to the hollow of my throat. I sucked in a sharp breath as he seemed to hover over my chest, making some complex internal decision.
I couldn’t have guessed the thoughts in his head if I had thought about it for the rest of my life. And I didn’t think I wanted to know them anyway.
I just lay perfectly, absolutely still, until finally he bent his head down and pressed the sweetest, gentles kiss on my exposed skin, right where my heart beat frantically against my chest.
And then he was gone- off my bed, out my window, and into the sky before I could even resume breathing.
When my lungs finally worked again they were panting overtime. I flung an arm over my face and groaned. That boy was going to kill me from the emotional rollercoaster he put me on. One minute we were climbing the highest incline ever, slowly, carefully, feeling safe and self-assured, and then the next we had bypassed the peak and were flying down the steepest drop known to man, free-falling, crazily out of control, blinded by fear and uncertainty.
It was too much.
And this was only the beginning.
My alarm went off next to my bed and I tossed an arm over to shut it off. Eventually I crawled from my bed and forced my body into the movements it took to get ready. I was up earlier than usual and felt more rested than I had in a very long time.
Some of that had to do with the fact that I actually got more than three or four hours of sleep last night. But I knew most of it had to do with Seth and his strong arms wrapped around me.
Still, it was hard to find the motivation to look nice for school. I was a little depressed.
Ok, I was a lot depressed.
So I forced myself into my daily routine, even taking care with my makeup. I wasn’t going to let this low feeling hold me prisoner. I was fighting back.
Starting today.
I grabbed breakfast on the way out the door, shouted goodbye to my mom, waved at my dad who was already climbing onto his combine, a sight that would forever shock me, and sped off to school.
I had always loved school; loved the human experience. But it was starting to feel like such a huge waste of time. I had bigger things to worry about these days than maintaining my grade point average and playing soccer.
These thoughts were completely foreign to me and I had no idea what to make of them, but the truth was Seth came before all of these things.
Even my friends.
I had to do something to help him. I had to get him away from Aliah and his deranged sister.
I parked my dad’s truck in the middle of the student lot and grabbed my backpack. I was determined to focus on school today, but as soon as it was over I was blowing off practice and heading out with Nate and Serena. They were constantly fighting these days. I knew they’d be able to help me find Seth, and at least occupy his time to keep him from doing anything with lifelong consequences. My new plan included fighting him or bothering him as often as possible so that he didn’t do something that would haunt him the rest of his life, long after his soul was returned to him.
I slammed my truck door, not bothering taking the keys out of the ignition or locking the door. This was the country, every car in this parking lot had the keys still in the ignition.
“Morning, Stella,” Aliah’s smooth, silky voice caught me completely off guard.
He was leaning against the back of my truck, his arm resting casually on the truck bed. He was especially casual this morning in designer jeans and a light blue oxford with the sleeves rolled up. His dark hair was expertly styled and his shoes were shiny loafers even though he was wearing jeans.
I didn’t respond. I just opened my truck door again and reached under the seat for one of my emergency katanas. I pulled it out, and rested it, tip down, against my leg. I left the door open so nobody between the hood of my truck and the school could see I was wielding a deadly weapon. Then I mimicked his casual pose.
“What do you want, Aliah?” I used my iciest voice and waited for him to announce his purpose.
He tilted his head back and let out a short stream of genuine laughter. “What do I want? What a question.”
I stopped myself from rolling my eyes and waited. He would tell me why he was here soon enough or he would attack me.
I was kind of hoping for him to attack me. Then at least Seth was allowed to kill him.
If I didn’t kill him first.