And the summer activities were already in full swing.
“I’m coming with you,” Rigley chased after Lincoln.
Tristan and I watched them walk away while Lincoln said, “Dude, if you stare at my girlfriend and her stupid shirt for longer than three seconds I’m canceling the party. Keep your eyes up.”
“They are ridiculous,” Tristan laughed, drowning out Rigley’s offended reply.
We watched them disappear down the hall and then stood there silently for a few more minutes. Eventually, I turned to Tristan and willed him to meet my eyes.
After several long moments he turned to face me and I could finally look into those familiar green eyes of his. And in them reflected the heartbreak he was suffering, but also something stronger- something that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him getting on with his life.
I ignored the pang in my chest and made a genuine effort to feel happy for him.
“Walk me to my car?” I asked.
“Sure,” he smiled. “Want me to take your backpack? It looks heavier than you.”
“It is,” I groaned. “But it’s alright. I got it.”
Tristan didn’t say anything after that and we walked to my mom’s Malibu, that I was still borrowing, in silence. We didn’t even touch, no bumping elbows, no brushing arms, nothing. Just two friends walking in awkward, terribly uncomfortable, heavy silence.
“Are you going to Lincoln’s later?” I asked after I deposited my backpack in the backseat.
He stared out over my head for a long moment, rubbing one hand over his shaved head. “Yeah, I think so.” He hesitated before asking, “Are you?”
“Uh, I wasn’t exactly invited,” I shrugged. It was probably just an oversight. Tristan thought Piper would invite me, Piper thought Tristan would say something, and Lincoln didn’t care if I showed up or not.
“Sure, you’re invited.” Tristan looked genuinely uncomfortable. “I was going to invite you, I just…”
“Oh, no, please stop,” I begged. “Don’t make this worse.”
“What do you mean?” Suddenly his eyes were a sharp, vibrant color staring expectantly at me.
“It’s just so awkward right now.” I gave him a pained smile. “Don’t make it worse. Please.”
Tristan let out a bark of laughter and surprised me by pulling me hard against his chest. “God, I’ve missed you.”
My arms slid around his waist and I hugged him tightly. “I’ve missed you too!” I squeezed him tighter. “Can we go back to normal now?”
I felt his body deflate in my arms, as if I asked the hardest question in the world, but eventually he whispered against my hair, “Yes, we can.”
I pulled back and looked up into his fathomless eyes and searched for truth. He met my intent gaze and didn’t hide from me like he had been doing for the last two weeks.
“I don’t want to lose you too, Tristan,” I whispered, feeling raw and exposed from the acute pain stabbing at my chest.
“You won’t,” he promised quickly. “You didn’t. It’s hard for me to accept that ‘normal’ for us is just friendship, but I’m getting there. I miss you too much to stay this narcissistic.” He grinned then and it was the familiar, heart-stopping smile I knew and loved.
“That is very good news,” I laughed.
“I’ll pick you up tonight? We can go to Lincoln’s together?” He pulled out of my arms and started walking back.
“I would like that,” I agreed.
Another one of his grins and then he turned around and left me to my car. It wasn’t perfect, not even close to normal and definitely not where I wanted it to be- but our friendship would survive. He would survive this.
And I realized how utterly happy that made me. It wasn’t just that he wasn’t a future for me, that he would hold me back from my true purpose and die long before I hit my Angel-prime. It was that I would hold him back too. If he stayed in love with me, he would never experience a full life: a life of college, dating, marriage, kids, growing old with someone he truly loved. He would forever stand in my shadow and be passed over for obligations and world-ending problems.
Sure, there was love between us. But there wasn’t a life in that love. And because we walked away early, he could still experience that.
In some ways, I was jealous of him. I was completely envious of the simplicity of his life, of the hopes and dreams he could look forward to.
My life would never be that easy- my love never laid-back or straightforward.
He was living a better life without me taking up most of it. He would live a better life without me in it.
I turned around to get in my driver’s seat and that’s when I saw him. He was across the highway, with his hands in his pockets, watching me intently. My heart stopped in my chest and I immediately went over my checklist of weapons- two katanas under my driver’s seat, a long dagger at my thigh. My butterfly knife was gone, but there was another broadsword in my trunk if I needed it.
But he never made a move toward me. He just kept staring.
After a few more moments, he stepped back, disappearing behind the side of the one Mead bank. I felt him go, in my bones I felt his presence disappear from my life.
He was gone now, but he would be back. He would always come back. He could no more stay away from me than I could kill him.
This love, our connection, our consuming need for each other was so strong it would always bind us together. Even if it was damaged, even if it was stained and polluted for now.
It wouldn’t always be.
I had to believe that. I had to believe it would become good again, just like Seth would.
And that I wouldn’t always be alone in this fight against Evil. I wouldn’t always be without the one man that would make this future worth fighting for and this destiny worth accepting.
The next year would be the hardest battle of my life, but the reward was worth the fight. And I would always fight for Seth. Even after there wasn’t anything left for me, there would always be Seth.
And I would fight for him.
I would fight for us.