Just breathe, just breathe.
She remained silent for a second, pondering something before saying, “Mommy?”
Yeah, baby?” I said, my voice coming out in a whisper.
“I miss Daddy.”
Holding back tears, I nodded. It was all I could do. I pulled her in my arms and nodded again, because I did too. I missed him. So damn much.
We met in the late afternoon, which is the same time we met every year since we lost him. I don’t know who came up with the idea, but it was a tradition we had kept. That first year is a bit of a haze, but every year, on the anniversary of Ethan’s death, we gathered at the cemetery and grieved. My parents, my brother, Leah, and a few of his friends. Everyone who was still living and mattered in his life.
We huddled together, hands linked, and our heads bowed, letting the silence be our opening hymn. My father was the first to speak.
“Thank you all for coming again. Ethan wasn’t just a son-in-law to me, he was my son. He came to us without a family, and we gave him one. In return, he loved our daughter and gave us Maddie. He loved them with everything he had until his very last breath.”
His voice quivered as he struggled to continue, “So, with that...I think I’ll start.”
Every time we gathered, we each told a memory of Ethan, and then placed a seashell on his headstone, a small symbol of the surfer boy who left us all too soon.
“The first time I met Ethan was when Clare brought him home during Thanksgiving break. When she called us to say she was bringing home a boy from school, the warning flags went up, but she assured me he was just a boy from out of state who didn’t have any family. So, when I caught him in the kitchen with his hand up her shirt, I turned to Clare, asked her to exit the room to give the men a few minutes to chat.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t believe he was telling this story. I thought he was going to kill Ethan that day. It was just a good thing it was that moment he chose to catch us that weekend. There were several other worse occasions he could have walked in on.
“So, I walked up to the boy, expecting him to look scared shitless.”
I gave him a stern look, and he just looked back confused before understanding blossomed across his face.
“Oops, sorry Maddie. Papa has a potty mouth,” he snickered.
She let out a little giggle as she gripped my hand, looking beautiful in her lightly smocked green dress.
“But he just stood tall and said, ‘I know what you’re thinking, sir, but I want you to know I love your daughter and I plan on making her happy for the rest of my life.’ I looked him over, shrugged and said ‘Okay, but keep it clean in the house, will ya kid?’”
Everyone laughed the pained laugh people do when they were wavering between laughing and crying. Many tears would be shed today, but we tried to make sure the good memories were kept alive as well.
We went around the circle, sharing stories. Some were funny, some were a bit sad. Leah was next to last and told the story of Ethan becoming a father.
“He was scared to death. I thought he was going to pass out,” she laughed, shaking her head and wiping the tears from her eyes. “Then he saw Maddie and it was love at first sight.”
Tears dripped down my cheeks, remembering that moment when we became parents. It was the scariest and happiest moment of our lives.
When everyone had finished their stories and placed their shells, only two remained. Mine and Maddie’s.
Everyone’s eyes focused on me. I was always last.
“When you plan to share a life with someone, you never for a second stop to wonder how long that life may be. Even if I had known I would only get a handful of years with him, I still would have said yes and never looked back.”
Looking down at Maddie, I squeezed her hand and took a deep breath, centering myself before I continued.
“Before the cancer and the chemo. Before the headaches and the tests, there was Ethan, me, and our little surprise Maddie. Ethan was the most laid back and carefree person I’ve known, except when it came to finances. He was meticulous.” A couple knowing chuckles filled the air in agreement.
“When we got married, we had a plan. A financial plan. We both would work for five years, save, buy a house and then start talking about kids. His entire plan was reduced to a pile of rubble when I took that pregnancy test one morning. We went from having everything planned to nothing, and I’d never seen him happier. We bought a house and watched my belly grow. It was the best time in our life.”
Looking down at the simple headstone, I took another breath and finished.
“I look back and think about how different his last couple years would have been if we had actually been able to follow through with that God awful plan. We would have wasted them working ourselves to death, saving money for dream we would never see. Instead, our lives became a blissful combination of chaos and joy when Madilyn Grace entered our lives. She was the gift we never knew we needed, and she gave Ethan the one thing he needed before he left this world, to become a father.
Looking over at Maddie, I held up my shell, and asked, “You ready?”
She nodded and we took a final step forward, placing our shells on Ethan’s headstone together.
“I love you, Ethan,” I said at the same time Maddie said “I love you, Daddy.”
The crowd began to dispense, hugging each other as they went. Everyone asked if they could do something, take us out, or bring us food. It was like this every year. I politely declined.
No, Maddie and I would be fine alone. We always were.
When everyone had gone, the only people that remained were Maddie, Leah and me. And the shells. Ten in total, all lined up.
We said one last goodbye, linked arms and headed for the car.
I saw him a split second before Maddie yelled, “Logan!” and took off in a run, catapulting herself in his arms, and burying her face deep into his chest.
Stunned, I temporarily forgot how to breathe. What was he doing here? And why did I have the sudden urge to do the exact same thing as Maddie, and bury my head into his chest willing him to make the hurt go away. Tears blurred my vision again as he made his way to us. Leah motioned for Maddie and she reluctantly pulled away from Logan to join her, “Come on, short stack. Let’s go home. We’ll meet you there?” she asked, looking to Logan. He nodded briefly, turning his attention back to me.
A few moments of silence passed, the only sound coming from the sway of the trees and birds flying above. He looked at me intently, waiting for me to speak first.