“Man, a little heads up, woman hate when you make decisions for them.”
“The ball’s in her court now,” I muttered.
“Oh, that’s good. Right? I mean, she’ll come back?”
God, I hoped so. I’d resigned myself to a life without her. My booze and I would live a very miserable life together, in hell, and that would be that. But when I walked in my door today, and saw her in the kitchen, all I wanted to do was fall at her feet, and beg forgiveness. When she became so angry at me for making such a crucial decision without her, I let myself hope that she would follow me, no matter where life may lead us. But I couldn’t chance it. It had to be real. I couldn’t be a constant reminder of Ethan’s death. To win her back now, and lose her all over again when she decided it was too hard? It would end me.
So, I let her go. Gave her time. And now I waited.
It f**king blew.
“So, we’re cool, Logan?” Gabe asked, leaning back into the couch. Realizing this conversation wasn’t going to end soon, I set my guitar down, grabbed the glass of bourbon I’d poured myself and settled into the sofa opposite him.
“Yeah, man. We’re cool. No hard feelings. You and Melanie look really happy,” I answered honestly.
“We are. She’s my world.”
“I’m happy for both of you, really,” I affirmed. “So, parenting huh?” It was a vain attempt to lighten the mood and change the subject. I couldn’t handle any more heavy shit today.
“Yeah,” Gabe said, getting a goofy grin all over his face.
“I’m scared shitless. Every day, her belly grows, and we get one day closer. I mean, I’m excited, but I am a complete mess,” he confessed.
“You’ll be great, Gabe. You’ll hold that child in your arms and you’ll instantly fall in love, needing to protect her and your family above all else,” I said, thinking of Maddie and how much I already missed her.
“You sound like a father,” he smiled.
“I guess I do.”
“I hope everything works out for you Logan,” he said sincerely.
“Me too, Gabe. Me too.”
Chapter Seventeen
~Clare~
It had been an entire week. I could only come up with so many more excuses for Logan’s absence before Maddie clued in that something was wrong. I told her he had to go on a trip, he had to work late, and that he had a cold. I was running out of options. She’d caught me crying at least three times, and I’d brushed it off, blaming anything from allergies to my contact lenses. She was a smart girl and she was bound to figure it out sooner or later. I needed to make my decision or tell her. My stomach churned in response.
When I’d left Logan’s house last week, I was so angry with him. I didn’t need time! I knew what I wanted, and it was him. I didn’t care what he had or how bad the cancer was. We were in love and we would get through it, right? That was until I walked into the front door of my house. I saw the couch where I had cared for Ethan after his numerous chemo treatments. I walked past the guest room which eventually became his when he had to move into a hospital bed. As I took a shower, I remembered having to bathe him when he was too weak to do so himself. I collapsed into a worthless pile on the shower floor, letting yet another round of tears take over.
I didn’t understand. Did fate hate me? Why give me love only to have it end like this? Logan was my second chance. I had gone through the horror of losing my husband, and had come to terms with living a life alone. Fate showed up and gave me Logan, and I fell in love. It was so easy, knowing I had an entire lifetime to love someone again. But, that was all ripped away last week when Logan told me he had cancer. Now I had to decide how strong I was, how much I was willing to give up again for love.
With Ethan, I had no choice. He was my husband, the father of my child. I stood by his side and I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Could I be so choosy with Logan? Could I actually walk away?
No, I couldn’t. But I was afraid to take the first step.
I paced the floors back and forth for days, wondering what he was doing, how he was feeling, but was never able to take the leap and walk out the door.
The house was quiet now. It had been quiet a lot lately. Me and my good buddy Silence had been hanging out quite a bit.
Leah, my constant rock, had been the great distractor this week, taking Maddie all over the city. They had visited the zoo and gone to a baseball game. Maddie was in heaven and I couldn’t thank Leah enough. I needed the time alone, as selfish as it was.
It was the middle of the afternoon and I was lying in bed. Again. At least I was dressed and showered. I guess that counted for something.
I pulled the sheet closer, tucking my knees to my chin, and wrapped my arms around them like a child.
Logan probably thought I had abandoned him by now. He told me to take time, but how much time did he think I would need. A normal person, a good person, would have just turned the car around and came back to declare their undying love. But, here I was, a week later, curled up in the fetal position, waiting for what?
Shouldn’t I be ready by now?
Ready...
Clare, you’re such an idiot.
Heart racing, I reached for the night stand and grabbed the letter that had been its sole occupant for the past three years. Racing downstairs, I grabbed my car keys and headed out the door to the one place I knew I had to be. The only place I could be when I read this letter. With Ethan.
I pulled up to the old cemetery and walked the path I’d traveled so many times before, listening to the soft rustle and moan of the trees as they moved. Eventually, I made it to my destination, looking at the place we had laid Ethan to rest three years earlier when I thought my life was ruined and could never be whole again. And here I was again, feeling like my walls were crashing down around me. I needed him, so I knelt down and began to speak.
“Hey baby, it’s me. I brought your letter,” I said, holding it up and waving it like he was there to see it. “I don’t know what to do, Ethan. I don’t know how to take that leap of faith I so desperately need to take right now. Please help me,” I pleaded right before turning the worn envelope over and breaking the seal. With shaky fingers, I unfolded the letter I had waited three years for, and read.
Clare,
I’ve started this letter half a dozen times, and they’ve all ended up in the trash, and now I don’t have much time. You’ve taken Maddie out for her first ice cream cone, and I stayed behind, saying I’d catch the next one. We haven’t discussed it yet, but as I feel my body growing weaker, I know there isn’t going to be a next one for me. This is it, and I’m so sorry Clare. I’m sorry I’ve failed you. I’m so sorry I won’t be there for you and Maddie.