“I remember thinking if I could just have one night’s rest. Or even just a nap. Just a few hours where I could sleep that I’d be okay. That I could make it. Charles was working even longer hours. He was never at home. One night he came in at ten and I begged him to take the baby just for a few hours so I could sleep. He told me that he had an early meeting the next morning and that since he worked and I didn’t, the baby was my responsibility.”
“Jesus Christ,” Seth muttered.
“I existed that way for eight weeks. Eight of the longest weeks of my life. I drifted from feeding to feeding, diaper change to diaper change. She didn’t sleep at night and she was fussy during the day. There were days I cried while trying to quiet her because I was so desperate and I didn’t know what to do. What kind of mother can’t even comfort her own child? I didn’t realize at the time that she was feeding off my stress and anxiety.”
Dillon’s hand slipped to her nape and massaged, offering her silent comfort.
“There was one night in particular that I didn’t sleep the entire night. She cried and fussed, and I rocked and soothed. Charles went to the downstairs guestroom so he wouldn’t be disturbed.
“The next day I was desperate for a nap. I was so happy when after I nursed her, I managed to get her to sleep in her crib. I remember staring down at her and thinking, thank you, God.
“And then I laid down on the loveseat in her nursery. I just wanted thirty minutes. Maybe an hour if she slept that long.”
Tears streamed down her cheeks, and her throat swelled so much she could barely manage to get the words out. “I was just so tired. I needed just a few minutes. I couldn’t do it any longer. Just a few minutes.
“I woke up when Charles came in. He’d worried because he didn’t hear either of us. I was horrified at how long I’d slept and that Rose was still asleep in her crib. I remember scrambling off the couch feeling guilty because I hadn’t cooked. I hadn’t cleaned. I went over to check on Rose and she was completely still.”
“Oh God,” Michael breathed. “Oh God, Lily.”
“She was dead,” Lily choked out. “She’d been dead for at least an hour they later said. While I slept on the couch, my baby died. I killed her. Oh my God, I killed her because I wasn’t awake. I didn’t hear her. I wasn’t there when she needed me.”
She dropped her face to her knees as sobs racked her body. They poured from her chest, tearing at her raw throat.
“He blamed me. He yelled at me. I stood there by the crib while he dialed 911, and he screamed at me the entire time that I’d let her die. How dare I go to sleep? How could I do this to our child?
“And I just stared at her, so numb, so disconnected. I couldn’t believe it. I touched her and she was cold. Her skin was already stiff. But still, I tried. I took her out and I performed CPR. I wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t accept that she was gone.
“The paramedics got there and I could tell by their faces that they knew, but I’d started CPR and they had to continue and I rode in that ambulance, knowing the whole time that she couldn’t be saved.
“Charles was so angry. He couldn’t forgive me for what I’d done. I couldn’t forgive myself. I went through the motions of her funeral. I dressed her myself. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone else touching her. I put her favorite blanket with her and her little stuffed bear that I’d brought home from the hospital.
“I remember watching, so detached as they lowered her tiny casket into the grave. Charles was so furious. He couldn’t even look at me. When we drove home, he tossed divorce papers at me and told me to sign. He wouldn’t stay married to a woman who took so little care of her child.
“I signed them and I walked out. I kept walking. I didn’t know where. It didn’t matter. Everything that mattered to me in my life was gone.”
“Sweet Mother of God,” Seth swore.
“That son of a bitch,” Dillon bit out. “That goddamn worthless son of a bitch.”
She jumped at the vehemence in his voice and huddled further into the blankets.
Michael was tightlipped. There was so much fury in his eyes that Lily had to look away. Anger vibrated from them in waves.
“Lily,” Seth began. He had to break off and look away for a moment while he visibly collected himself. “Lily, honey, it wasn’t your fault. God almighty, it wasn’t your fault.”
“I was responsible for her,” Lily whispered. “If I hadn’t gone to sleep. If I had been watching her. Crib death, they called it. But if I’d been there, I might have prevented it. I slept while my daughter died.”
The last ended in a keening wail as grief swelled up in her throat and burst outward in an agonizing wave. Tears poured over her cheeks.
Seth yanked her into his arms and rocked her back and forth, holding her so tightly that she couldn’t breathe around her sobs and his grasp.
“It wasn’t your fault, baby. It wasn’t your fault.”
He rocked her until her sobs were spent. She lay limply against him, all her strength gone. Slowly and carefully he leaned her back against the couch and Dillon wrapped his arm around her.
Dillon nudged her chin until she was forced to look at him. There was terrible grief in his eyes—and anger. “Lily, listen to me and listen good. That son of bitch ex-husband of yours is a worthless piece of shit. He should have helped you. He should have been taking care of his daughter just as much if not more than you in those early days when you were so exhausted and beaten down. There is no excuse for him to have abdicated his responsibility. I don’t give a goddamn if he was president of the f**king world. His first and only responsibility was to you and to his child. Full stop. No excuses.
“And furthermore that the son of a bitch actually had the balls to blame you—to blame you—for Rose’s death just proves what a worthless piece of crap he is. Baby, you were at your breaking point. You took a nap. I don’t know of a mom alive who hasn’t slept while their baby naps. I can remember my mother laying down when Callie went down for her naps. She didn’t stand guard over Callie’s crib watching her every breath. You can’t do that. You aren’t a machine. You should have had help. Your husband damn well should have supported you. He’s a f**king coward and it was his guilt that made him lash out at you. He blamed you because he knew what a fuck-up he was.”
“I just wanted to rest. Just for a little while. Oh God, Dillon, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so tired. Why did she have to die? Why?”
Tears seeped into Dillon’s shirt as he hugged her to him.
“I don’t know, baby. I wish I had the answers. What I do know is that it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t to blame. Sometimes babies die and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Even if you had been standing by her crib, she would have died. Crib death is a silent killer. There’s no explanation. It just happens.”
She closed her eyes against his chest, wanting his comfort even though she felt unworthy of it.
“So you were on the streets? All that time?” Michael asked, his tone tight with anger. “The son of a bitch never looked for you? Never made sure you were provided for?”
“I just wanted to be away from the pain,” she said in a quiet voice. “I’m the coward. It was the only way I could turn it off. I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t want to live. So I existed. Day to day. On the streets where nothing matters. No one cares who you are. They don’t care what your sins are or what your past is. You’re just another nameless, faceless person that nobody ever sees.”
“Oh God no, baby,” Michael whispered as he pulled her from Dillon’s embrace into his own. “You’re not a coward. You’re one of the bravest goddamn people I know. How you survived is a miracle, but I’m so damn grateful because it brought you to me—to us. And we’re not letting go of you, Lily. I don’t know what the hell you’re thinking right now, but we’re not letting you go. We’re going to be right here. With you. Always. We’ll work through this. You’ll always have us to take care of you. You’ll always have us to depend on.”
“Always,” Seth quietly confirmed.
She stirred and raised her head, taking in each of their expressions. Their eyes burned with purpose and intensity.
“You want me?” she asked in a creaky, incredulous voice. “After what I’ve told you, you want me?”
“Damn right we want you,” Dillon bit out. “We’re not your pansy-ass ex-husband, Lily. We don’t throw out weak accusations and hide behind guilt. Living with us may not always be easy, but I’ll be goddamned if we don’t give it everything we have. We’ll love you unconditionally, and you’ll always, always have our full support.”
“Even if I don’t want more children?” she asked quietly.
Michael squeezed her tighter to him and brushed his mouth across her forehead. “Honey, I can only imagine the horrific grief you feel at your loss. I can’t even wrap my brain around it. I won’t say I understand it, because I’ve never experienced anything of that magnitude. But even if we never have children, we’re still going to love you and want you with us. In time, and when some of the rawness is gone, you may decide that children are something you want. And we’ll support you one hundred percent. We can change diapers, burp and feed babies with the best of them. Every single one of us had a hand in raising Callie.”
“It will be different this time, Lily,” Seth said. “You never ever have to fear that you’ll be alone with a baby to take care of. If we decide in the future that children are something we want, then we’ll tackle it as a unit. Family. You’ll not only have us, but you’ll have Mom and Callie and the dads. You have a big family who loves you now. We support you unconditionally. That’s what family is about.”
“Oh God,” she whispered. “I’ve been so afraid. I’ve shut it all out because I didn’t want you to know. I knew you had to eventually, but every day I told myself I just wanted one more day. And then it turned into one more day and another and another. I kept telling myself later. I’d tell you later, but I didn’t want to ruin something so perfect and the first real joy I’ve felt since the birth of Rose.”
Michael kissed her again and Dillon rubbed his hand over her back.
“Now about the condom,” Seth hesitantly began. “Honey, you have to know we’re so damn sorry. We’d never do anything to hurt you or that went against your wishes. But I need you to know something okay? Look at me.”
Her gaze drifted to Seth, to the fierceness on his face.
“I need you to hear this. If it ends up that you got pregnant, that your birth control wasn’t effective yet, we are going to be there for you every single step of the way. We’ll handle this together, and I guarantee you that there’ll be no shortage of people to watch over our child every minute of the day so that you can rest and recover. I swear it, Lily. On my life.”
Dillon and Michael both nodded and some of the awful tension eased just a tiny bit in her chest.
“Okay,” she whispered. “I believe you.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
“She’s been this way for a goddamn week,” Dillon swore.
The three brothers were gathered in the kitchen while Lily had secluded herself in Dillon’s office painting. She’d spent most of her days there, coming out at dinner, even smiling and making casual conversation. But there were shadows under her eyes, and pain still lurked in their depths.
“I want to marry her,” Michael said bluntly. “As soon as possible. I think we should ask her now.”
Seth raised an eyebrow. “You really think now is good timing?”
“It’s what we all want,” Michael said. “And the thing is, I want to do it now, before she knows if she’s pregnant or not. If it turns out that she’s carrying our child, I don’t want her to ever think that we married her for any other reason than we love her and want to spend the rest of our lives with her.”
“He raises a good point,” Dillon said. “I’d rather do it now, before we know one way or another. That way we can face the outcome together.”
Seth grimaced. “I hope she’s not pregnant. She has a lot of healing to do before we can even think about children. I have no doubt that we’d support her every step of the way, but I want her to have our child because that’s what she wants more than anything. Not because a goddamn condom broke.”
“I agree,” Michael said quietly.
“It would seem we have a ring to buy, and we need to figure out the best way to pop the question,” Dillon said. “I have to admit, I never expected the day I asked a woman to marry me to be a group effort.”