“My dear, we have to go out the front. Do you understand?”Sara nodded numbly. No wonder Nicholas felt he couldn't tell her his past. No wonder he felt like his heart was black as sin. Could God not forgive such an act of betrayal? Was it even her job to judge a man based on his past transgressions? The questions hung heavily in the air as she took her aunt's arm and walked out of the room, feeling much like Daniel trudging into the lion’s den.
The unfairness of the situation being thrust at her hit full force when she saw the faces of those in polite society sneer at her. The picture of Romans viewing gladiators and killings flashed through her mind. The ton was no better, standing by every Season for a new scandal to hit so they could gossip and ruin that person.
Her mind screamed that she was the victim. Nicholas was the reason for her current situation. She grabbed Lady Fenton’s hand and began the slow grueling walk to the exit. Masking her emotions with a bright smile, she nodded at those she passed, but felt nothing except silent gratification that the one woman who had trapped Nicholas Renwick Earl of Devons was in fact the one to be pitied not envied.
Chapter Twelve
Nicholas remained behind in the garden, collecting himself. Twenty minutes later when he rejoined the party in the ballroom, he instantly realized he was entirely too late. A hush fell on the ton which would have made even the wickedest of men cringe. They knew. They all knew. The looks from people he used to call friends amounted to pity, disdain, anger, and distrust. It was all he could do to keep from running in the opposite direction. He took a steadying breath, then paused. To his right, Sai re-entered the ballroom with Lady Fenton. Neither of the ladies looked pleased.
It would be a miracle if Sai did not already know. He couldn’t find the strength to look away as the rest of the ton watched in suspense. This had to be better than even the craftiest of operas for them. He felt frozen in place, not sure if he should acknowledge Sai or wait for her to approach him with one of her famous slaps. He chose the latter, because frankly, his legs resolutely refused to move him into the inevitable fury this gorgeous creature, whom he just ravaged, would lavish on him presently.
Sai's green eyes burned as they took in every cool calculated glance. But when her gaze reached Nicholas, she smiled. It was unexplainable. She dropped Lady Fenton’s arm and glided gracefully toward Nicholas, her eyes locked on his. He felt his heart would leap out of his chest. This was it. The moment he deserved, the moment the ton was waiting for. She would have her revenge and be released forever from his clutches. It was a perfect set up for her; Jane Austen herself couldn’t have planned it better.
Nicholas used the last few seconds of his engagement to Sai to appreciate the gracefulness of her legs, the green in her eyes, and the slight dimple on her right cheek. Strange, that even in these moments of his greatest disgrace, his thoughts could only dwell on her beauty as she approached. He prayed for it to be over quickly and took a deep breath.
“My lord,” Sai said, bowing before him. His entire body was tense, waiting for what was certain to come next. “It’s been a lovely evening, but I believe it's time to take our leave, if you are ready?” She held out her hand to Nicholas. A lifeline. She was saving him, rescuing him from the destruction he deserved. Why was she being so kind? She had to know. He took her arm and nodded to Lady Fenton, who appeared to have a small smile playing on her lips. The three of them walked in silence to the outside; the hall echoed with only the sound of their shoes as they walked across the floor. Some people had the decency to look away; others stared, mouths agape, at the most scandalous scene of the season.
Silence filled the carriage on the ride home and exhaustion overwhelmed Nicholas. Taking a breath required almost too much effort. He had managed to ruin not only his own life because of his brash decisions, but also Sai’s. She would be forced to marry him regardless of his reputation. Backing out would leave her forever ruined for a good match. Why did she do it? She would never understand how much love she expressed to him in that moment of acceptance. He sighed, and Lady Fenton cleared her throat.
Sai was the first to speak. “When do I get to meet him, Nicholas?”
Nicholas nearly choked. “Who?”
Sai smiled brilliantly as she reached over and patted his hand. “Your son.”
She knew. Of course she knew. Lady Fenton was one of the few women who knew the full truth of the twisted tale. Yet the truth of what happened that night had been safely locked away in his heart as well as Lady Fenton’s. There was no way for them to have known that tonight of all nights, his life would be ruined. His throat felt dry and achy. He feared if he spoke it would come out shaky and dripping with emotion. He swallowed again before answering “Tonight, if that’s agreeable?” He knew that normally it was frowned upon for a betrothed couple to be alone, but given the circumstances he hoped Lady Fenton would take pity.
Lady Fenton eyes scanned his briefly before she knocked on the door. “Sir, please drop me off at the manor, then see to it that the couple goes to Renwick House.” She understood.
“Yes, my lady,” the driver called.
Within minutes, Lady Fenton said her goodbyes, and Nicholas was left alone with Sai. He never felt more afraid in his life. His entire soul seemed to have been opened up to her, leaving every nook and cranny of his heart exposed. Would she accept him? That was the question. The irony brought a sad smile to his lips. Not an hour ago he was begging her to leave him alone, but now he felt if she wouldn’t have him, his heart would cease to beat.
“Are you amused, my lord?” Sai asked. As she waited for Nicholas to respond, she carefully moved to his side of the carriage and sat. “I would think you, of all people, would have trouble finding something to smile about at a time like this.”
“Me, of all people?” he asked curious.
“Yes. You—the negative cynic, my lord.” Sai raised an eyebrow.
“Ah yes. Well, there is that,” he answered dryly. “There is also the largest scandal to sweep the ton that now taints both our names, but that’s hardly worth smiling about.”
She smiled in return making him want to kiss her pretty little mouth until the smile melted from her lips.
“So?” she prompted.
I have to say it.
When had he ever been a coward? Oh, that’s right. Ever since Sai waltzed into his life. He lost himself in her eyes and lifted a warm hand to her face. “You make me smile, Sai. What you did, who you are—you are the reason that amidst this terrible night, I wear a smile on my face.”
Her eyes pooled with tears, silencing him. And suddenly Nicholas wanted nothing more than to comfort her. He pulled her gently into his lap and caressed her neck and arms.
“Thank you,” he whispered against her hair.
The carriage rattled to a stop far too soon. Nicholas silently cursed himself for not telling the driver to continue around the block a few more times, until he was good and ready to relinquish this moment in Sai's arms.
There was no time to prepare her as they were greeted at the door by the nurse. Nicholas managed a weak smile when two-year-old Duncan came tumbling toward him.
“How was your night, my lord?” the nurse inquired as Duncan continued to make his way to Nicholas.
“It had its ups and downs,” he answered truthfully, then picked up his son; the son he helped create not so long ago. Duncan was an exact replica of the woman he so long ago had an affair with. A sickening feeling descended like a choking fog. It was his fault this boy was brought into the world this way. Yet he couldn’t help but feel proud as well. He didn’t care much for his own reputation anymore, and he desperately wanted to protect that of his son and the woman whom he cared so deeply about.
It wasn’t until that night Nicholas realized how much he did care for Sai. He would rather die for her than put her through any more humiliation. What was it about him she wanted anyway? He had the worst reputation of the ton and now an illegitimate son to boot. Maybe if he found out why she needed to marry, other than to save her reputation, he could redeem himself. He kissed Duncan on the head and looked at a smiling Sai.
“This is my son, Duncan.”
As if on cue, Duncan reached out to Sai with pudgy hands. Sai laughed and took him into a little embrace. Nicholas was stunned when Sai began singing a lullaby to his little boy. Within minutes, he was sleeping. The little devil was actually sleeping. The nurse had spent the better part of two days trying to get him to bed, and Sai merely sang a song and he was putty in her hands.
Like father like son, a little voice chimed annoyingly in his head.
“Time for bed,” he whispered to Duncan, and Sai handed him back to the nurse.
As he helped Sai into the carriage to return to Lady Fenton’s home, Nicholas knew what he would do; he would locate Sai’s family and explain the situation to them. Surely they wouldn’t want such scandal blackening their name, and then he would offer as much money as it took to make sure Sai had a chance to find a love match. She deserved that, not some pitiful marriage to a second or third son. By next season the gentlemen would forget she’d been ruined by him and set about to marry her anyway. He shook his head. What was he thinking? Could he honestly live without her touch? Her laughter? It would be the most extreme type of self sacrifice to let her go, yet he could tell that she was holding something back. It wasn’t in her nature to hide things; she was one of the most honest people he knew. It had to be disappointment, for she knew it would be impossible to have his heart, the one thing she wanted most. Dare he try to give her the most precious part of himself? Broken pieces that might never be whole?
Shaking the conflicting thoughts from his head he grabbed a sheet of paper and penned a quick note to Lady Fenton explaining the situation. Hopefully she would understand it was the best option for Sai. He inquired about Sai's family and asked her to write back with all haste. He sent the note off with one of his men, managing to make it all the way up the stairs into his chambers before dozing off.
Chapter Thirteen
Sara couldn’t remember a time when she had slept more poorly than last night. Her thoughts went back to the previous night. What had come over her? She had no idea. But when Nicholas walked into the room and proudly met the faces of the ton, she had been left with no choice. It was obvious what everyone expected her to do. Shun him, break off the engagement and walk away. Impossible to play into their silly games. Yes, she had been hurt, but what good would it be to take it out on those around her. Those she cared about. Because despite everything Nicholas had said and done, she cared deeply for him, at the expense of her own feelings.
Yawning, she descended the great stairs to her aunt’s breakfast table, eyes swollen with sleeplessness. A mere twelve hours ago she had received the news of Nicholas’s scandalous past, and then met Nicholas’s dear son. It was a tragic situation; but the real tragedy was Duncan no longer had a mother to look after him, and poor Nicholas looked like he didn’t know whether to run from the child or hug him.
Nicholas hadn’t said much to her last night after Duncan went to bed. He kissed her hand and thanked her again, making her knees weak at his tender touch. He said he would call on her today which was enough to drag her out of bed at this ungodly hour instead of sleeping until noon.