“Well, she got in touch with me. She said she would have contacted you directly, but she was afraid you wouldn’t be…open to the possibility. Based on previous conversations. And I can’t say I blame her. I’ve been struggling with the same thing. How to tell you. When to tell you. What to tell you.”
“For Christ’s sake, get to the point.”
“All right. Okay. I’m sorry. Here’s the deal. Right after that ‘baby bump’ story got out everywhere, someone contacted her anonymously asking if it was true. And in the course of her correspondence with him, Gen came to believe that this person was, in fact, your father.”
Daniel blinked. “You realize how ridiculous that sounds.”
“Of course I do. I’m not insane. But look. He - he all but came out and said it. He described himself as someone that was close to you ‘a long time ago’ or something, and that he wanted to make things right. You’re in the news at least once a month, for something - so it’s not like this was going to be the one thing that got his attention after all these years, unless he has some kind of special investment in the idea of you having an heir.”
He was pinching the bridge of his nose. “I can see why you hesitated to tell me,” he said.
“That’s a very diplomatic way to put it,” I replied. “But I really, really think you should at least pursue this. Enough to put everyone’s mind at rest.”
“Everyone’s mind? What, you mean you and Genevieve?”
“You’re telling me you’re not in the least bit curious?”
“I didn’t even think you liked her,” he said, ignoring my question.
“I hardly know her,” I said. “So you’re not curious, then.”
“Of course I’m not curious. It’s someone who’s completely out of their gourd, who thought of a particularly diabolical way of trying to get to me. Except it’s not all that clever, because there’s no way any sane person would fall for it.”
“That’s the thing, though, isn’t it?” I said. “It’s so insane it almost has to be true.”
He looked at me sidelong. “So this is why you’ve been pushing so hard for all that information about my father,” he said. “You wanted to see if I still had some secret hope of reconciling with him.”
“It was also interesting for the book,” I insisted. “See, this is exactly what I was afraid of. You won’t even entertain the possibility.”
“Maddy,” he said, scooting closer to me and gently reaching out to turn my face towards his. “Listen to me very carefully. My father is dead. That’s the reality of the situation. You’re letting your imagination run away with you. Genevieve is a lovely woman, but in this case, so is she.”
I sighed, pulling away. “I knew you’d say something like this,” I muttered.
“Because it’s the only reasonable response,” he said. “Look. Are there…are there unanswered questions? Of course. Would I gain something valuable by talking to him again? I mean - I might - I could. I wouldn’t discount the possibility altogether. This isn’t about me resenting him, or anything like that. It’s about the simple fact that he’s gone.”
“Did they ever find a body?”
He just gave me a look.
In Daniel’s defense, I couldn’t really explain why I was so invested in defending this insane possibility. For some reason, when Gen had first explained it to me, it had seemed so credible.
“People don’t do things like that in real life,” he said, finally.
“Sure they do,” I replied. “I Googled it. They say as many as one in four Golden Gate Bridge suicides might be fake.”
He rolled his eyes a little. “But what reason would he have to do it? His wife was gone, Lindsey and I were supporting him - he had no responsibilities. He could have started his life over, anywhere he wanted, with anyone he wanted. There was no need to go through some bizarre, convoluted trickery…it just doesn’t make any sense.”
“Sure, it doesn’t make sense,” I said. “But people do plenty of things that don’t make sense. From the way you’ve talked about him, your dad doesn’t sound like the most logical guy in the world.”
“He certainly had his shortcomings, but he wasn’t a lunatic,” Daniel insisted.
“You don’t have to be a lunatic to do something irrational,” I insisted. “If he was just feeling…very depressed, or overwhelmed…sometimes people do something desperate like this if they feel there’s no way out of their current circumstances, but they also don’t want to turn to suicide.”
“Well, it’s good to know you’ve become an overnight expert on people faking their own deaths,” he said. “But this is absurd.”
I felt utterly defeated. “Will you at least talk to him on the phone? Just listen to his voice? You’d recognize it, wouldn’t you?”
“No,” said Daniel. “I wouldn’t. Because whoever that is, I don’t know them.”
And that was the end of our conversation.
***
“Now serving number THREE…SIX…TWO…at counter number FOUR.” The computerized voice at the DMV droned at me as I sat on one of their hard wooden benches. Renewing my license was really the last thing I wanted to spend my afternoon doing, but on those rare occasions when I did take my own car somewhere, I really liked having the option. Besides, there was no way in hell I was letting it lapse long enough to have to take those tests again. I shuddered at the mere thought.
“Now serving number THREE…SIX…TWO…at counter number FOUR.”
I didn’t understand this phenomenon - did people routinely take numbers at the DMV and then just leave? I sighed, feeling a knot of frustration growing in my stomach. I couldn’t understand why, but I almost felt…nervous.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Not here. Please not here.
But the fear of it coming only made it worse; I felt my heart begin to pound faster, my knuckles going white as I clutched the bench beneath me. I had the distinct sensation that everyone in the room was staring at me, even though I could look up and see that they weren’t.
My heart thumped faster and faster. I could feel my consciousness separating from my body, almost a physical sensation, as if my awareness of myself was floating behind me like a shadow. I gradually became aware that my breathing was getting heavier and heavier, and now people were looking at me.
I stood up suddenly and ran out of the office, stumbling out onto the sidewalk. I pulled out my phone because I didn’t know what else to do.
Daniel answered, thank God.
I could only think of one thing to say to him.
“Am I real?”
***
Daniel had left work to drive me home, so I wouldn’t have to leave my car in the stupid DMV parking lot. He hadn’t mentioned if he was going to bother returning for the rest of the workday, but he didn’t seem to be in any hurry.
“Are you all right?” he asked me, for the five-hundredth time, as he brought me a glass of water.
“I’m fine,” I insisted, more forcefully. “I just…”
“Maddy, please,” he said, softly. “I’m worried about you.”
I let out a long sigh. “I hate going to new doctors.”
“I know you do. But I can’t stand to see you like this. Please, at least look into it.”
Slowly, I looked up at him. “Will you do something for me, if I do?”
“Of course,” he said. “Anything.”
“Talk to your father,” I said, regretting it as soon as I’d spoken.
His face fell. I could almost see him counting to ten before he opened his mouth.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.”
“You’re god damned right it isn’t fair,” he said, his jaw clenched. “When was the last time you called your parents?”
“This isn’t about me!” I insisted. “I know exactly what they’re going to have to say if I pick up the phone. Aren’t you curious about why he’s coming back?”
“I know exactly why he’s coming back,” Daniel insisted. “If it is indeed him, which - can I remind you? - we don’t even know yet. He saw that you might be pregnant, and it either spurred some ridiculous desire to try and ‘make things right’ by being a better grandfather than he was a father, or he thought it would have softened me up enough to welcome him back into my life. After everything that happened. After he’s apparently lied to me for all these years, letting me believe he was dead. He’s going to come back with too-little-too-late apologies, or some kind of ridiculous excuses, and I don’t want to hear any of them.” He stopped, his tone suddenly urgent. “You didn’t tell Lindsey, did you?”
“Of course not. I wouldn’t go to her before I went to you.” I shook my head. “But Danny, honestly.”
He was shaking his head. “We shouldn’t even be talking about this, not while you’re…” he looked like he was about to say fragile, but backed away from it at the last possible moment.
“Fine,” I said. “I’ll go to the stupid doctor.”
The thought made me grit my teeth, but he was right.
***
“Are you currently on any medication?” She glanced up at me briefly.
“No,” I said, automatically. “Well - yes, actually, but just birth control. The seasonal kind, where you only have a period every three months. It helps my premenstrual symptoms be less severe. I wrote it all down on the intake form.”
“I apologize if this is repetitive,” she said, not sounding sorry at all. “There’s nothing written down here for referring physician. Are you seeing someone for regular check-ups?”
“I see my gynecologist once a year.”
She looked up at me. “How long has it been since your last checkup?”
I shrugged. “A few months, I guess. Maybe longer. Why?”
Dr. Conklin cleared her throat. “Well, when you’re on continuous birth control, it’s generally recommended that you take monthly pregnancy tests whenever you’re not scheduled to have a period. Just to be sure. Have you been doing that?”
“No, they never told me I had to.” I bit my lip, not wanting to say it, but feeling like I had to. “Is this about that article?”
“Article?” Dr. Conklin frowned. “I’m not sure what article you’re referring to, but given your situation, my first recommendation would be that you take a home pregnancy test. You’re talking about feeling fatigued and losing your appetite, and when there’s no other obvious trigger for sudden onset panic attacks, it makes me wonder about a hormonal disruption.”
“I’m not pregnant,” I insisted. “I take my pill every night when I go to bed.”
“And do you go to bed at the same time every night?”