As promised, the water was already filling in the tub. It was hotter than she’d expected, and she turned the other faucet, trying to cool it a bit, wishing for some bubble bath or scented baby oil.
She undressed, conscious of the soreness in her legs and lower back. She hoped she wouldn’t be too stiff to walk tomorrow. Reaching for her wine, she slipped into the water, feeling luxurious despite her modest surroundings.
The bathroom had a small separate shower stall, and Luke had slung his used towel over the rod. The fact that he’d been nak*d in here only a few minutes earlier made something flutter in her lower belly.
She’d known what might happen this weekend. For the first time, they wouldn’t say good-bye near her car; tonight, she wouldn’t return to the sorority house. But being with Luke felt natural. It felt right, even if she admitted to herself she wasn’t all that experienced in these kinds of things. Brian had been the first and only guy she’d ever slept with. It had happened at the Christmas formal, when they’d already been dating for two months. She hadn’t known it would happen that night, but like everyone else, she was having fun and probably drinking too much, and when he brought her up to the room, they ended up making out on the bed. Brian was insistent, the room was spinning, and one thing led to the next. In the morning, she wasn’t sure quite what to think about it. Nor was Brian there to help her – she vaguely remembered him talking to some friends the night before about having Bloody Marys in one of their rooms the next morning. She stumbled to the shower with a headache the size of Wisconsin, and as the spray ricocheted off her, a million thoughts raced through her head. She was relieved to have finally done it – like everyone else, she’d wondered what it would be like – and was glad it had been with Brian, in a bed, as opposed to a backseat or something equally awkward. But for some reason, it also felt a little sad. She could imagine what her mom would think – or, God forbid, her dad – and frankly, she’d thought herself that it would be more… something. Meaningful. Romantic. Memorable. But really, what she wanted most of all just then was to head back to campus.
After that, Brian was like most guys, she supposed. Whenever they were alone, he wanted something physical, and for a while, she supposed she did, too. But then it began to feel as if it were all he ever wanted, and that began to bother her, even before he’d cheated on her.
And now here she was, alone with a guy overnight for the first time since Brian. She wondered why she wasn’t nervous, but she wasn’t. Instead, she soaped up the washcloth and ran it over her skin, imagining what Luke was doing in the kitchen. She wondered if he was thinking about her as she soaked in the tub, maybe even picturing what she looked like without clothing, and again, she felt a flutter in her lower belly.
She wanted this, she realized. She wanted to fall in love with someone she could trust. And she trusted Luke. Never once had he pressed her to do something she hadn’t wanted; never once had he been anything less than a perfect gentleman. The more time she’d spent with him, the more convinced she became that he was by far the sexiest guy she’d ever met. Who else did she know who could work with his hands the way he did? Who could make her laugh? Who was smart and charming, self-reliant and tender? And who else would take her horseback riding in one of the most beautiful places in the world?
Soaking in the tub and sipping wine, she felt for the first time older than her years. She finished her wine, feeling warm and relaxed, and when the water began to cool, she climbed out of the tub and toweled off. She sorted through her bag, intending to throw on a pair of jeans, but then realized that it was all she ever wore when they were together. Changing her mind, she pulled out a skirt and a tight, form-fitting blouse and slipped them on. She styled her hair, feeling pleased that she’d remembered to bring both the curling iron and the dryer. Makeup came next; she added a touch more mascara and eye shadow than she usually did, wiping the old mirror more than once to clear away the steam. She completed the outfit with a pair of gold hoop earrings that her mother had bought her for Christmas last year. When she was done, she looked herself over one more time, then with a deep breath she picked up the empty jelly jar and stepped into the hallway. Luke stood in the kitchen, his back to her as he stirred a pot on the stove. On the counter next to him was a box of crackers and a beer, and she watched as he reached for the bottle, taking a long pull.
He hadn’t heard her leave the bathroom, and for a while she simply watched him in silence, admiring the fit of his jeans and his smooth, unhurried actions as he cooked. Quietly, she moved toward the end table and bent down to light the candles. She stood back to survey the scene, then stepped over to turn off the lamp. The room darkened, becoming more intimate, the small candle flames flickering.
Luke, noticing the change in light, glanced over his shoulder. “Oh, hey,” he called out as she approached. “I didn’t realize you were finished…”
He trailed off as she emerged from the shadows into the soft yellow light of the kitchen. For a long moment, he drank in the sight of her, recognizing the hope and desire in the eyes that held his own.
“Sophia,” he whispered, the sound so soft that she barely heard it. But in her name, she could hear everything he hadn’t been able to say, and she knew in that moment that he was truly in love with her. And perhaps it was an illusion, but she also felt in that instant that he always would be, no matter what happened, with everything he had to give.
“I’m sorry for staring,” Luke said. “You just look so beautiful…”
She smiled as she continued to approach him, and when he leaned in to kiss her, she knew then that if she hadn’t been in love with him before, she was surely in love with him now.
After the kiss she felt unsettled, and she sensed that Luke did as well. He turned around, lowering the flame beneath the burner, and reached for his beer, only to realize that he’d finished it. He set it beside the sink and went to the refrigerator to get another when he noticed the jelly jar she was holding.
“Would you like some more wine?” he asked.
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak, and handed him the glass. Their fingers brushed, sending a pleasant jolt through her hand. He pulled out the cork and poured some wine into the jelly jar.
“We could eat now if you’d like,” he said, handing it back to her and recorking the bottle. “But it’ll taste better if we let it simmer for another half hour. I sliced up some of the cheese we bought earlier if you’re hungry.”
“Sounds good,” she said. “Let’s sit on the couch, though.”
He replaced the wine and pulled out a second beer for himself, then picked up the plate of cheese. He’d added grapes to the plate and reached for the box of crackers on the counter as he followed her to the couch.
He put the food on the end table but held his beer as they took a seat next to each other. Luke opened one arm wide as she leaned into him, her back snug against his chest. She felt his arm go around her, just below her br**sts, and she rested her arm on top of his. She could feel the rise and fall of his chest, his steady breaths, as the candles burned lower.
“It’s so quiet up here,” she remarked as he shifted his beer to the end table and wrapped his other arm around her as well. “I can’t hear anything outside at all.”
“You’ll probably hear the horses later,” he said. “They’re not the quietest animals and they’re right outside the bedroom. And sometimes, raccoons get onto the porch and they’ll knock all sorts of stuff over.”
“Why did you stop coming here?” she asked. “Was it because of your dad?”
When Luke spoke, his voice was subdued. “After my dad died, a lot of things changed. My mom was alone, and I was traveling on the circuit. When I was home, it always felt like we were so far behind… but I guess that’s really an excuse. For my mom, this was their place. I’d spend so much time outside riding and swimming and playing that I’d just collapse in bed right after dinner. My mom and dad would have the place to themselves. Later, when I was in high school, they used to sometimes come up here without me… but now, she doesn’t want to come. I’ve asked, but she just shakes her head. I think she wants to remember this place like it used to be. When he was still with us.”
She took another sip of wine. “I was thinking earlier about how much you’ve been through. In some ways, it’s like you’ve lived a full life already.”
“I hope not,” he said. “I’d hate for you to think I’m over-the-hill.”
She smiled, conscious of the contact between her body and his, trying not to think about what might come later.
“Do you remember the first night we met? When we talked and you took me out to show me the bulls?”
“Of course.”
“Could you ever have imagined that we’d end up here?”
He reached out for his beer and took a sip before resting it on the couch beside her. She could feel the chill from the bottle near her thigh. “At the time, I was just surprised you were talking to me at all.”
“Why would you be surprised?”
He kissed her hair. “Do you really have to ask? You’re perfect.”
“I’m not perfect,” she protested. “I’m far from it.” She swirled the wine in her jar. “Just ask Brian.”
“What happened with him had nothing to do with you.”
“Maybe not,” she said. “But…”
Luke said nothing, allowing her time to consider what she was going to say. She turned, looking directly at him.
“I told you that last spring I was a wreck, right? And that I lost a lot of weight because I couldn’t eat?”
“You told me.”
“All that’s true. But I didn’t tell you that for a while there, I also thought about suicide. It wasn’t like I came close to actually doing anything about it; it was more like a concept, something that I latched on to, to feel better. I’d wake up and not care about anything and not be able to eat, and then I’d think that there was one sure way to stop the pain and that was to end it all. Even then, I knew it was crazy, and like I said, I never really thought I’d go through with it. But just knowing that the option was there made me feel like I still had some kind of control. And at the time, that’s what I needed more than anything. To think that I was in control. And little by little, I was able to pull myself together. That’s why, the next time Brian cheated on me, I was able to walk away.” She closed her eyes, the memory of those days passing like a shadow over her face. “You’re probably thinking you’ve made a big mistake right about now.”
“Not at all,” he said.
“Even if I’m crazy?”
“You’re not crazy. You said yourself you never really considered going through with it.”
“But why would I latch on to the idea? Why would I even think about it at all?”
“Do you still think about it?”
“Never,” she said. “Not since last spring.”
“Then I wouldn’t worry too much. You’re not the first person in the world to think about it. It’s a big leap from thinking to considering, and an even bigger leap to attempting.”
She weighed the comment, recognizing his point. “You’re being too logical about the whole thing.”
“That’s probably because I have no idea what I’m talking about.”
She squeezed his arm. “No one knows any of this, by the way. Not my mom or dad, or even Marcia.”
“I won’t tell,” he said. “But if it happens again, you might consider talking to someone a whole lot smarter than I am. Someone who would know what to tell you, maybe help you navigate the whole thing.”
“I plan on it. But hopefully it won’t happen again.”
They sat in silence, his body warm against hers. “I still think you’re perfect,” he offered, making her laugh.
“You’re a sweet talker,” she teased. She tilted her head up, kissing him on the cheek. “But can I ask you something?”
“Anything,” he answered.
“You said that your mom wanted to double the size of the herd and when I asked why, you said she didn’t have a choice. What does that mean?”
He traced a finger along the back of her hand. “It’s a long story.”
“That again? Then answer me this: Does it have anything to do with Big Ugly Critter?”
She felt his muscles tighten involuntarily, if only for an instant. “Why would you say that?”
“Call it a hunch,” she said. “You never finished that story either, so I just assumed they might be related.” She hesitated. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
She felt him take a long breath and then release it slowly. “I thought I knew his tendencies,” Luke began, “and I did – at first. Halfway through the ride, I made a mistake. I leaned too far forward just as Big Ugly Critter threw his head back and I was knocked unconscious. When I toppled off, Big Ugly Critter ended up dragging me around the arena. He dislocated my shoulder, but that wasn’t the worst of it.” Luke scratched at the stubble on his cheek, then continued, his voice matter-of-fact, almost distant. “As I lay there in the dirt, the bull came back at me. It was pretty bad. I ended up in the ICU for a while… but the doctors did amazing work and I got lucky. After I woke up, I recovered a lot faster than they thought I would. But I still had to stay in the hospital for a long time, and then there were months of rehab. And my mom…”
He trailed off, and though he was telling the story without emotion, Sophia could feel her own heart beginning to speed up as she tried to picture his injuries.