I scoot down by her and keep my knees up, resting my elbows on them. "What are you thinking about?"
Her eyes are huge in the moonlight. "Death."
"What about death?" I wonder if we're finally going to go back to that night.
"That Grady's going to die," she whispers softly. "And there's nothing I can do about it."
I brush her hair back from her forehead. "You need to stop worrying about everything that can't be controlled."
She sighs and leans away from my hand. "That's just it, though. It's all I can think about anymore. It's like this fixation I have no control over which makes no sense because I'm fixated on controlling the uncontrollable." She's breathing wildly.
Shit. I need to calm her down.
"Hey, come here." I loop my arms around her waist and lie her down on the windshield with me. She rests her head on my chest and I play with her hair, breathing in her vanilla scent. "Do you remember when you decided that it would be a good idea if you climbed up the scaffolding in the gym?"
"I wanted to prove to Gary Bennitt that I was as tough as the boys." She buries her face into my shirt, ashamed. "Why do you remember everything?"
"How could I forget that? You scared the hell out of me when you fell. Yet, somehow you managed to land on the board just below it."
"I thought I was going to die," she murmurs. "I was so stupid."
"You weren't stupid, you just saw life at a different angle," I say. "I've always envied you for it. Like when you used to dance in a room where no one was dancing or how you stuck up for people. But there was always that wall you put up. You would never let anyone completely through."
She's soundless for a while and I expect for her to push me away. But she sits up and hovers over me, her hair veiling our faces. Her breath is ragged, like she's terrified out of her mind.
"I opened up to you once," she whispers. "When we were here in this spot doing this same thing."
I can't take my eyes off her lips. "I'm not sure what you're talking about."
She licks her lips. "I told you I didn't want you dating Cassandra."
"Cassandra... Oh, was that what that was about?" I start to laugh.
"What's so funny?" she asks, but I can't stop laughing. She pinches my nipple and I jerk upward, smacking my forehead against hers. "Ow." She blinks, rubbing her forehead and a laugh escapes her lips. "Tell me what's so funny."
She looks beautiful, trying to be pissed, when deep down she's relishing the moment. I'm enjoying myself, which I didn't envisage tonight, but if anyone can cheer me up, it's her. Like when my dad left and she caught me in the garage, clutching onto his tool box crying like a baby. She gave me her Popsicle and then just sat there with me until I ran out of tears.
I eye her over and she fusses with her hair self-consciously. With one quick movement, I flip us over so my body is covering hers. "When I told Ethan about that day when you told me not to see Cassandra, he told me you had a thing for me. He's usually not right about those things."
"I didn't have a thing for you," she argues. "I just didn't want anyone else to have a thing for you."
"You're adorable when you deny the truth. You always have been."
"Micha, I used to have studs on every item of clothing I owned and enough black eyeliner to make an entire sketch. That's not adorable."
"It is on you." I wink at her.
She shakes her head and pokes a finger at my chest. "Don't try and use your player moves on me."
We remain silent, frozen in the moment, until I finally speak again. "I have an idea." Curiosity slowly takes over her face as I shift over her body. My arms are at the side of her head, barely holding my weight up. My face hovers above hers, our lips only an inch apart, and she lies perfectly still. "I want to kiss you."
She shakes her head promptly. "I don't think that's a good idea."
I trace one of my fingers over her lips. I've been going about this all wrong. I can't force myself on her. I have to move slow and think of her as a skittish cat that needs to be approached cautiously.
"Just kiss. I swear to God that's all we'll do." I move my finger away from her lips. "And kissing's not that scary, right?"
"With you it is," she says truthfully.
"If you want me not to, just say it." Taking my time, I leisurely lower my lips toward hers.
She stays stationary, her big green eyes targeted on my mouth. Slowly, so she has time to let her thoughts slow down, I caress my lips across hers. A small gasp flees from her lips and I slip my tongue into her mouth. Her hands glide up my back and into my hair. My body conforms to hers as I explore her mouth with my tongue. She bites down on my bottom lip, sucking my lip ring into her mouth before releasing it.
Fuck. She's making this hard. I intensify the kiss as my body becomes more impatient, but I keep my promise and only kiss her, even when she fastens her legs around my waist and rubs up against me.
Ella
He said just kiss and it seemed okay, but now my body has developed a mind of its own. I'm writhing my hips against him enjoying the pleasure erupting inside me. He's hard between my legs as he kisses me so fiercely that my lips are swollen. His fingers tangle in my hair and his tongue plunges deeper and deeper into my mouth the more I rock against him. My head falls back and my eyes open to the stars shining in the sky. It feels like I'm falling or flying... I'm not sure, but whatever it is I can't seem to control it. For a second, I want to capture the moment, put it in a jar, and always have it with me, but panic seizes my mind and I jerk away from his lips.
His eyes snap open and his pupils are vast. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing... It's just... I have to calm down." I take a deep breath, my skin still tingling in the spots his hands touched.
Micha nods, breathless. Carefully, he moves off of me and leans back against the window, securing his hand around mine. We don't speak as we stare up at the sky. He traces his finger along the folds between my fingers and my eyelids drift shut. I feel a wall crumble, leaving behind dust, debris, and pieces that desperately need to be put back together.
***
"Are you okay?" I ask Micha when we pull into my driveway. He's been quiet the whole drive home and I can tell something's bothering him.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he says with a shrug and then his gaze darts to the back window as headlights shine up behind us. "Although, you might not be."