“Then what was it f**king like?!” I shout, trying to pull something out of him that he won’t let go.
And then he screams, “I FUCKING LOVE HER!”
My jaw drops, his words physically knocking me back a couple steps. I just—I scan his features, his eyes that plead for me to understand and scorch with emotion.
“I fell in f**king love with her,” he finally explains. “It hurt to be away from Daisy. It hurt to watch her with other guys. Everything f**king hurt, and I didn’t want to live with that pain anymore. I f**king couldn’t.” He takes a deep breath. “I can’t tell you when it became unbearable, but it did.”
I scrutinize him for a while, letting every single syllable sink in. It hurt to watch her with other guys. I spent years being the best friend of a sex addict. I spent years loving a girl who opened her door to every guy but me. And there isn’t one day that I would wish that kind of torment on my brother or a friend. Not one.
So I say, “I understand, more than anyone, how painful it is watching someone you love be with other people.” I pause. “But you can’t really love her—”
“I’ve known her for over two years,” he says. “I’ve spent so much f**king time with her, Lo. We’ve been through a lot together, so yes, I fell in love with her.”
I look over my shoulder, at the girls. Lily has her thin arms wrapped around her tall sister while Daisy cries, wetting Lily’s shirt. I turn back to Ryke, but he’s still staring at Daisy.
His expression—it’s beyond just caring for her. I remember him sympathizing with Daisy some years ago, in Cancun; I remember Ryke explaining how they were raised by similar kinds of mothers. But this is empathy reserved for one other person in your life, the type that some people may never even feel. It’s just written all over his face.
No matter how weird it seems, this is how it’ll be. I’m not going to separate two people that love each other. I wouldn’t intentionally do that.
When he focuses back on me, he speaks again. “You can leave me here,” he says passionately, “but I’ll find a way back. I can’t leave her, and I won’t leave you, no matter how hard you f**king push me out.” His eyes bleed with this distraught strength, an oxymoron that I can understand. I’ve had that same look in context of Lily.
“How much did it hurt?” I ask.
“Did what hurt?”
“Watching her with other guys.”
He flinches back like air escapes him. After a short pause, he says, “It felt like someone was drowning me in f**king salt water and lighting me on fire.”
I almost give him a weak smile. “Same.” I steady my breaths. “I need some time.” To get used to them. Together. Christ. It’s f**king weird. “But I’m not going to hit you again. So revel in that.”
“Thanks,” he says.
I nod. “I wish you fell in love with another f**king girl.” I’m going to wish it every day that my father attempts to use Daisy to get to Ryke. Just to try to patch up their relationship. It’s something Jonathan Hale would do in a heartbeat. Maybe Ryke doesn’t realize that yet.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I really f**king am. For lying.”
I shrug. “You didn’t want to get hit.” What’s past is past. I want to restart. Maybe we’ll both have more faith and trust in each other after this.
“No,” he says. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
I know. “I’ll get over it. Just…give me f**king time.” I walk towards the girls who all huddle together, talking while Daisy rubs her eyes with the back of her hand. In his button-down, clean and undusted, unlike our clothes, Connor watches us with that impassive face, the one I can’t read very well.
And I don’t sense my brother behind me.
I stop and spin fully around, turning my back on Connor. The reddish marks along Ryke’s eye start to purple underneath, winding my emotions. I’m sorry. I’m still not sure if he’ll ever go to the press, to vouch for our father, for me. But I’m truly sorry that my existence caused him so much pain.
He lived the bastard life, in disgrace and hiding, all this time. And I didn’t even know it.
He must read my eyes because he saunters ahead and stands beside me. We start walking together, towards everyone. And I reach out and put my hand on his shoulder.
He flinches at first, startled by the acceptance.
But then he rubs the back of my head, messing my hair roughly. “I’m glad you hit me.”
“Why is that?” I ask.
“Not a lot of people stand up to me.” Because he’s intimidating, and if he wants to keep his problems hidden, no one is stupid enough to go up against him, just to let those things surface. “I’m happy you did.”
“I knew you wouldn’t hit back,” I say. “And it’s not like it was a complete selfless act.”
He rolls his eyes. “Can’t you take a compliment and not turn it into a character assassination of yourself?”
“Maybe someday,” I say. But not today. I pat his shoulder and then drop my hand.
I’m more at peace with him now than I have been in years. It took blood and a hot desert, but we reached this place.
I can almost breathe again.
60
2 years : 03 months
November
LOREN HALE
“Get away from the window, Daisy,” I say with edge. She presses her forehead to the glass and clutches the door handle, peering out of the car as far as she can. But her view is blocked by cameras who attempt to capture us through the tinted windows. Paparazzi have swarmed my father’s Escalade that’s parked outside of the jail. Back in Philadelphia.
Anderson, my dad’s driver, sits idly in the front seat while we wait for my father and hopefully my brother to return.
Not that long ago, Ryke free-solo climbed three rock formations in Yosemite without falling. All I wanted was for him to survive, and he looked tired but accomplished when he reached the bottom. I was proud of him.
And now he had to come home to this shit. Life sucks most of the time.
“I shouldn’t go in there…” Daisy recognizes with a trembling voice. She wants to go retrieve Ryke from jail, but she can’t do a damn thing. Neither can I. My father, however, has more power than us. We just have to be patient.
I rub my lips, irritated. Just at the whole situation we’re in. “Ryke wanted you to go home with Connor and Rose, so I can’t imagine that he’d be happy if he saw you walk into the jail.”
“I know,” she murmurs, wiping a stray tear quickly.
I wince, not liking when she cries, at all. I already sense a change in my relationship with Daisy since she’s become my brother’s girlfriend. She used to be like a little sister to me, but my obligation to her now feels larger when Ryke isn’t here. Like I have to be a force that keeps her safe when he’s gone. He’d do the same for Lily, and it’s a role that I’ve easily accepted. I pat the leather seat next to me. “Scoot back.”
Daisy reluctantly distances herself from the window, about to slide to the center seat.
“Not that far,” I say before she reaches the middle. “The cameras can get a picture of you from the windshield.” This way she’ll be blocked by the front seat.
She nods, her eyes swollen from crying. Tear streaks are dried on her face, even her left cheek with the long scar. It’s less red than it used to be, but it’ll always be noticeable.