Chapter 18
On the way back, I sit in silence for a long, long while. I'm clutching the blue folder tightly on my lap as if it might try to run away. The fields are whizzing past outside. Jon glances at me every now and then but doesn't speak.
I'm going around and around it all in my head, trying to digest everything I've just learned. I feel like I've done a degree in Lexi Smart, in the space of half an hour. “I still can't believe my dad left us in trouble like that,” I say at last. “With no warning or anything.” “Oh no?” Jon sounds noncommittal. Kicking off my shoes, I draw my feet up onto the seat and rest my chin on my knees, gazing out at the road. “You know, everyone loved my dad. He was so good-looking, and fun, and sparky, and he loved us. Even though he fucked up a few times, he really did love us. He used to call us his three girls.” “His three girls.” Jon's voice is drier than ever. “A dog-obsessive in denial, a teenage extortionist, and a screwed-up amnesiac. And all of them in debt. Good work, Michael. Nicely done.“ I shoot him a look. ”You don't think much of my dad, do you?“ ”I think he had a good time and left the pieces for all of you to deal with,“ says Jon. ”I think he was a selfish prick. But hey, I never met the guy.“ Abruptly he signals and pulls into another lane. His hands are gripping the wheel tightly, I suddenly notice. He seems almost angry. ”At least I get myself a bit more.“ I chew on my thumbnail. ”Did I ever talk to you about it? The funeral?“ ”Once or twice.“ Jon gives me a wry smile. ”Oh, right.“ I color. ”All the time. I must have bored you to death.“ ”Don't be stupid.” He takes a hand off the wheel and squeezes mine briefly. “One day, really early on, when we were still just friends, it all came out. The whole story. How that day changed your life. How you took on your family's debt, booked a cosmetic dentistry appointment the next day, went on a crash diet, decided to change everything about yourself. Then you went on TV and everything became even more extreme. You rocketed up the career ladder you met Eric, and he seemed like the answer. He was solid, rich, stable. A million miles away from...“ He breaks off into silence. ”My dad,” I say eventually.
“I'm no psychologist. But I would guess.” There's silence. I watch a small plane heading higher and higher into the sky, leaving a double trail of white smoke. “You know, when I woke up, I thought I'd landed the dream life,” I say slowly. “I thought I was Cinderella. I was better than Cinderella. I thought I must be the happiest girl in the world...” I break off as Jon shakes his head. 330 “You were living your whole life under a strain. You went too far too soon; you didn't know how to handle it; you made mistakes.” He hesitates. “You alienated your friends. You found that the hardest of all.” “But I don't understand,” I say helplessly. “I don't understand why I became a bitch.” “You didn't mean to. Lexi, give yourself a break. You were thrust into this boss position. You had a big department to run, you wanted to impress senior management, not be accused of favoritism... and you floundered. You did some things the wrong way. Then you felt trapped. You'd built up this tough persona. It was part of your success.” “The Cobra,” I say, wincing. I still can't believe I got nicknamed after a snake. “The Cobra.” He nods, a smile pushing at his mouth again. “You know, that was the TV producers' idea. That wasn't you. Although they had somethingyou are pretty cobra-like when it comes to business.” “No, I'm not!” I lift my head in horror. “In a good way.” He grins. A good way? How can you be like a cobra in a good way? We drive on for a while without speaking, golden fields sprawling into the distance on either side of us. At length Jon turns on the radio. The Eagles are playing “Hotel California” and as we zip along, sunlight glinting off the windshield, I suddenly feel like we could be in another country. Another life. “You once said to me, if you could go back in time and do everything differently, you would.” Jon's voice is softer than before. “With everything. Yourself ...your job... Eric... Everything looks different when the gloss is gone.” I feel a sudden sting at the mention of Eric. Jon's talking like everything's in the pastbut this is now. I'm married. Nor do I like what he's implying. “Look, I'm not some shallow gold-digger, okay?” I say hotly. “I must have loved Eric. I wouldn't just marry a guy because of the gloss.” “At first you thought Eric was the real deal,” Jon agrees. “He's charming, he ticks the boxes... In fact, he's like one of the intelligent systems from our lofts. Put him on 'Husband' setting and away he goes.” “Stop it.” “He's state-of-the-art. He has a range of mood settings; he's touch sensitive...” “Stop it.” I'm trying not to laugh. I lean forward and turn the radio up higher, as though to block Jon out. A moment later I've worked out what I want to say, and turn it down again. “Okay, look. Maybe we did have an affair. In the past. But that doesn't mean... Maybe I want to make my marriage work this time around.” “You can't make it work.” Jon doesn't miss a beat. “Eric doesn't love you.” Why does he have to be such a bloody know-it-all? “Yes, he does.” I fold my arms. “He told me so. In fact, it was really romantic, if you want to know.” “Oh yeah?” Jon doesn't sound remotely fazed. “What'd he say?” “He said he fell in love with my beautiful mouth and my long legs and the way I swing my briefcase.“ I can't help coloring with self-consciousness. I've always remembered Eric saying that, in fact I memorized it on the spot. ”That's a crock of shit.” Jon doesn't even turn.