Sleep did not come for me afterward, even though I wanted nothing more than to snuggle into Roth and ignore everything, I couldn’t. If I did, everyone I cared about would be lost, and countless, nameless innocent people would be caught in the cross fire. Knowing that I was the only thing that could truly stop this, walking away wasn’t something I could live with. Besides, turning my back would only give us a few days, maybe only hours, because once the Lilin pushed too far, exposed too much, the Alphas would wipe us all out, and they’d been waiting oh-so patiently for a good reason to do so.
I had to do this. I knew that there was no other option, but as I watched Roth while he slept, what I was about to do cut deep into me. It hurt. A knot had formed in the back of my throat, a heaviness pressed into my chest and my eyes stung as tears filled them.
My fingers itched to touch him, just one last time, but I’d risk waking him by doing so. I settled for memorizing every beautiful angle of his face, from the sharpness of his cheekbones to the hard line of his jaw, only slightly softened by sleep. I committed to memory the thickness of his lashes and the natural arch of his brows. I looked my fill when it came to his full lips and I wished I’d get to see those dimples once more, or the way the tawny amber of his eyes would brighten when he looked at me. I yearned to thread my hand through his hair just once more, feeling the silky smoothness as the strands sifted through my fingers.
I ached to hear him say I love you one more time.
None of that was going to happen.
Squeezing my eyes shut against the rush of tears, I carefully rolled out of the bed and tiptoed to where my clothes were piled on the floor. In the quiet darkness, I dressed, grabbed the iron dagger off the piano, and then crept over to where Roth lay on his side, facing the space I’d rested on.
“I love you,” I whispered, my voice choked. “I love you so much.”
And then I did the one thing I never planned to do, but the only thing I could. I left Roth.
twenty-seven
AS I SORT of expected, it didn’t take me long to find the Lilin. I’d left Roth’s loft through the rooftop exit and had taken flight, letting the cold wind ruffle my wings one last time.
It was almost ironic—this whole thing.
Roth had sacrificed for me. Zayne had. Even Abbot, in the end. All of them had given something up to keep me alive. Due to what the witches had given me, I’d gained immortality and for a sweet, short time, I’d had a taste of forever with Roth. And once I fully understood what I was, I’d been given unbelievable strength. My mere presence struck fear into the hearts of demons and Wardens alike. I’d become a force to be reckoned with, a total badass of a hybrid mess.
And ultimately, all those sacrifices and everything everyone had ever done had led up to this moment—when I would take all of that away. I wanted to laugh, but I had a feeling that it would be the crazy kind of laugh and I would break down, because I didn’t want to die.
Because I wasn’t that brave.
Because I wasn’t this selfless.
I was just one girl with no other options, no other card up my sleeve.
Landing in Rock Creek Park among the thick, tall snow-tipped trees, I’d walked the trail, oddly calm. Okay. Maybe not calm. As I stared up at the moon breaking free from the clouds, I felt nothing.
I was empty—determined, but completely empty.
Only a few minutes passed before I heard a soft chuckle from behind me. The stake was in my back pocket, where I’d have easy access to it, but I left it there as I slowly turned around.
A light dusting of snow coated the ground and flurries drifted down to Earth. The Lilin was standing about five feet from me, and it looked like Sam again. Anger pricked at my skin. I hated it when that thing took on his image.
And it knew it.
The Lilin smiled at me from across the short distance. “Have you finally come to your senses?”
I raised my brows. “If coming to my senses is helping you free Lilith—”
“Our mother,” it interrupted.
Ignoring that, I continued. “Then you’re out of your mind. I will never help you free her, because freeing her would mean the end of everything.”
“Not freeing her means the end anyway,” the Lilin responded, taking a step forward. “Don’t you understand that? I will continue stripping souls until the Alphas have no choice but to step in, until they eradicate every demon and Warden topside.”
My hands tightened. “Why would you do that? You would be killed right along with the rest of us.”
“Ah, yes, that’s true, but I know Hell will not stand for the Alphas going after all the demons. They will retaliate, and it will be Armageddon.” The Lilin that looked like Sam smiled as if it was picturing a sunny day at the beach. “My death—your death—will be worth knowing that rivers will run with blood and these humans, these overgrown parasites, will die by the millions.”
Absolutely thunderstruck by his words, I shook my head. “You’re...a hundred percent certifiable.”
“No. I just have nothing to lose. My life? This shell I’m using?” It patted itself on the cheek. “It’s nothing. I have nothing to give up. And even if I did, I would do it for our mother. I would do anything to deliver her the revenge she deserves.”
I blinked. “That’s kind of sad.”
One shoulder rose. “It is the truth.”
Something sparked in my chest, and it tasted like hope. “It doesn’t have to be. Don’t you understand that? You have choices to make. You can stop what you’re doing and try to make something out of this life you were given—”
The Lilin threw its head back and laughed.
“We have free will,” I insisted, grappling onto anything that could somehow change its mind. “All of us, not just the humans, have free will. You can change. You can stop this right now. You—”
“Free will? You are naive, sister. There is no such thing. We are born with our fates clearly laid out in front of us. There is no changing that.”
“You are wrong, so incredibly wrong.” I wanted to stomp my foot to drive the point home. “Anyone can change their paths, including demons. Look at Roth. He never used to think free will existed, but when he made a choice to save me, he realized it did. Look at him!”
It grinned. “Ah, the Prince. I look at him and I see someone who was once great and feared by all, but who has become nothing more than the lackey of a stupid, silly little girl.”
I clenched my jaw. “I’m not the one who’s stupid, bud, and he’s no one’s lackey.”
“Enough,” it sighed. “Really. This conversation bores me. You know you cannot stop me. You have to have realized that by now. You can’t kill me, because doing so would kill you. I am a part of you.”
“You are nothing,” I said, full of bitter venom.
It inclined its head. “If I had feelings, you might have hurt them.”
As I stared at the Lilin, that tiny spark of hope flickered, and then went out. There would be no reasoning with it, just as Grim had said. Maybe if I had taken that approach from the beginning, there would’ve been time to try to change its mind, but there wasn’t enough time to do that now, and it was too much of a risk to chance it.
The weight pressed farther down on my shoulders and my chest as the Lilin inched close to me. I held my ground, taking a deep breath. “What...what do you really look like?”
Surprise flickered across the face I missed so badly. “What?”
“You heard me. You’re not Sam. You’re not Elijah. I want to know what you really look like.”
The flurries around us seemed to ease up as the Lilin studied me thoughtfully, the fine dusting of snow coating its dark hair. “What does it matter?”
I wanted to see its real face, just once, but that wasn’t exactly the most convincing argument. “I don’t know. Maybe...maybe it would help me understand you better.”
Its eyes narrowed, and then it cast its gaze to the sky. It sighed dramatically. “You are so human.”
When Roth said it, those words had been dipped in warmth and love. When those very same words came out of the Lilin’s mouth, they were an insult.
The Lilin suddenly shot forward, stopping no more than two feet in front of me, its eyes pure black. “You want to see what I really look like?” it demanded. “You want that?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
It smiled, and then it began to transform. Its entire body trembled, and then shook violently. I wanted to step back, because at this point, I sort of expected it to explode, but found myself unable to move as it shortened and became slimmer, as the brown hair gave way to hair so blond it almost appeared white. Bones snapped and refused again into different lengths. Its features contorted until I was staring into eyes that were a pale shade of blue, leached of almost all its color.
Sucking in a sharp breath, I felt like I was staring into the mirror. An exact replica of me stood there.
“I am you,” it said, in my voice.
“No.” My heart started thumping. “You are not me.”
“I am. I’ve always been you.” A small smile appeared, revealing just one side of its teeth, and all I could think at that point was—was that what I looked like when I smiled? God. “We are one and the same,” it added. “We are no different. Do you understand that?”