She had closed her eyes for a moment, and he could see how pale, how shaken she still was. He was rubbing his hands down her arms, when she opened her eyes and looked into his.
“Thank you, but this time I need to do it myself. All by myself.”
“You’re one of us now—”
“No, I’m not,” she said in a voice that was becoming more and more shaky by the word. “I can’t do this.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I thought I could, but I can’t.” The tears began to spill. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Everything inside of Dylan clenched, then froze. “You’ve had a crazy day, Grace. You don’t have to do anything more, don’t have to make any big decisions. Not tonight. Not after you’ve just been through the wringer on all fronts.”
“I knew all along that I should have tried harder to resist you. But I kept telling myself it was just one kiss. Just one night. Just one week. Just for fun. Just for pleasure.” She wiped away her tears as she sucked in another shaky breath. “I’ve been lying to myself, and I can’t lie to myself anymore, Dylan. I can’t lie to you, either, by letting you think that I’m ready for this. For you.”
“I promised you we’d go slow, Grace. I know I’ve pushed too hard from the beginning. Pushed you to meet my family. Pushed you to give me your days and your nights. Pushed you to let me into Mason’s life. Even though I knew you weren’t ready. You never lied, not once. I’m the one who’s screwed up again and again. Let me fix this. I’ll make sure you aren’t roped into all my family’s parties—”
“Your family is great. They’ve been amazing to me and to Mason.”
“Then I’ll back off. I’ll give you space, all the space you need, let you dictate the pace of things from now on.”
“Don’t you get it?” She pushed out of his arms and spun away. “That’s just the problem. I don’t want any space! I want you all the time. Every single second. I’ve wanted you more and more since the first time I met you, the first time we spoke, the first time we kissed.”
He didn’t want to spook her any more than she already was, so he made himself stay where he was rather than go after her. “That’s good, isn’t it? That we both want the same thing?”
“No.” She shook her head, frantic now. “How can it be good to feel so totally out of control with my body, my heart, my head, whenever I’m with you? Whenever I even think about you? How can it be good that I fall deeper and deeper for you every single moment? How can it be good that your family already feels like mine and Mason’s? How can it be good that I want to lean on you for everything? For comfort? For pleasure? For safety?” But she didn’t let him answer any of her questions, just zoomed ahead into more. “I was finally—finally!—feeling in control of my life again. And then you showed up, standing out in front of your boathouse looking gorgeous and perfect and reaching for Mason like you’d simply been waiting for the two of us to walk into your life.”
He knew it might be the wrong thing to say to her right now, but anything else would be a lie. “I was waiting for you. For both of you. I’ve always been happy. Always loved my life. My family. But I knew there was a missing piece out there, a love and a family of my own, like my parents have with each other and me and my brothers and Mia. I knew I would find it one day, and then, suddenly, there you were. The missing pieces, right there in front of me. I fell in love with both of you that day, and every day since has only confirmed what I knew to be true in that first moment. You’re mine, Grace. Both of you.” He reached for her. “I want to be yours, too.”
For a moment, as she looked into his eyes, he thought she would move into his arms and give him everything he wanted: her love.
But then her face was crumpling all over again, and she was moving back. Away from him, rather than closer. “I missed you when you were gone. Not just on this trip when you were racing, but after that first day we met in your boathouse, when you left to ferry the boat up north. Can’t you see how screwed up that is, that I already missed you so much already when I hardly knew you?”
“I missed you, too, Grace. Missed Mason. What’s wrong with that?”
“Everything! Everything is wrong with it. Of everyone in your family, you’re the free one, Dylan. You’re the one who has never been pinned down by anyone or anything. And no one has ever made the mistake of trying. Not when they knew that it would hurt you. What about when you want to go sailing or racing on a day I can’t bear to let you go? What if you know I’ll miss you too much so you turn down the chance and don’t take the trip to the one place you’ve been waiting to see? You’ll hate me for stealing your freedom.”
“Never. I would never hate you. You’re right that I’ve always been free to do whatever I want, to go wherever I want, to live life as an adventure. Now I want to live those adventures with you and Mason.”
For a moment he thought she might let herself believe that what he was saying was really true, but then she shook her head. “I’ve seen how determined you are, the way you manage to move heaven and earth to turn your dreams into reality. And you’ll never know how much I admire you for it. Or how much I wish I could be like you. But I’ve only just started to get my life back together. And I’ve got a baby to take care of, to find a playgroup for, to enroll into preschool soon. What if I let you give up your freedom for us and then the land starts closing in around you? What if you plan a trip, a badly needed sail so that you can reconnect with who you really are, and then it turns out you can’t go because you have to be here for something with Mason? Then you’ll resent us both.”
“Grace—”
“Mason and I are just starting to set down roots. Roots we desperately need. Roots I would never forgive myself for if all they did was bind you up.”
“The only thing I would ever resent,” he told her, “the only thing that would ever make me upset, is losing you. Losing Mason. I’m ready for this, ready for change, ready to learn how to operate as three instead of just one.” He prayed his heartfelt words were getting through as he said, “Being with you, having a child—or, hopefully, more than one—doesn’t mean I’ll never get out on the water again. Of course I will. With my wife. My son. A daughter, too, if we’re lucky.”