“God, Jaxx.” He couldn’t even look at her – the guilt was swarming him. If he hadn’t been so stupid as to beat up Crawley or if he had at least come to see her he would’ve known and could have dealt with him. Then Jaxx wouldn’t have gone through all that.
“The blame isn’t yours, Connor. You didn’t put a gun to Nick’s head and make him try to rape me or put a gun to Matthew’s and make him do all that sick shit. If you take any of that blame then you’re relieving Nick and Matthew of it. I won’t let you do that, I want them to have that blame like they should.”
“Do you know why I beat Crawley to a pulp? He asked if my leaving meant you were fair game. I lost it. But if I hadn’t -”
“He would probably still have done something like that because he was a perv, always had been, just like Sean.” She sighed. “The way I always thought of it was that if I’d stayed with the Glennons then Matthew would have done what he did to me to little Annie. She was just five. I could never wish that on her or anyone else. As sad as it is, this kind of things happens a lot when you’re in care. And when you’re not in care. There are people who have been, who still are, going through way worse than me.”
“How can you not blame me?”
For a while she had been angry with him, but it was only last night that she realised why: not because he hadn’t helped her, because he hadn’t loved her like she loved him. “There are so many ‘ifs’, Connor. If the Glennons had done something about Nick I wouldn’t have had to be moved. If the social worker had sent me to a different foster home I’d never have met Matthew. If Matthew’s parents hadn’t been blind to what their son was like and ignored all the complaints made about him then he would’ve been prosecuted before I came along.”
He knew she was right, but still it was eating at him. He got out of bed and went to her. Squatting in front of her, he took her hands in his. “Whether you blame me or not, I’m still sorry. You’re such an amazing person to get through something like that and come out of it the person you are.” And he had every intention of twatting the life out of this Matthew if he could find him. “Thank you for telling me. It can’t have been easy for you to talk about. You’re a stronger and bigger person than I could ever hope to be, do you know that?”
The gentle contact was killing her. She would have preferred for him to be repelled by her and not want to touch her. It would make what was coming next so much easier. “Connor -”
“Shhhh.” He circled her with his arms and held her to him gently.
It wasn’t an embrace filled with sympathy or Jaxxon would have ended it. It wasn’t to comfort her either. It was as though he was holding her to reassure himself that she was okay, that she was away from all that. Her eyes closed when he started doodling circles on her back with his finger. Never before him had she liked gentle touches. And why? Because it meant relaxing into someone, letting down her guard enough to trust that that touch wouldn’t change into something else, to trust that they wouldn’t hurt her physically or emotionally. Connor had actually penetrated that shield she had erected around herself, and now she was about to leave him. Made no sense when you put it like that, but all she would be signing herself up for with Connor would be something that would forever be casual.
“You really don’t hate me?”
Her laugh was silent. “I don’t hate you.” It would be easier if she did. “I love you actually.” He pulled back and his eyes shot to hers. “I was angry that you never came back, but that was because I loved you and was missing you and was hurt that you didn’t feel the same.” She made sure she sounded reassuring. “I’m not expecting you to say you love me. I’m not expecting you to give me more. I’m just telling you so that you know why I’m ending this now. I can’t be involved with someone I love who doesn’t love me back, Connor.”
Speechless. Connor was actually speechless. It had been the last thing in the world he had expected her to say. He hadn’t believed that she could ever feel like that for him. Ever. He wasn’t exactly a lovable person or the type to give her the things she wanted from life, which was why she was leaving. He was losing her for good. He’d probably never see her again. And just like that he was panicking. She started to stand and he held her in place. “Jaxx.” He didn’t even know what to say. “Jaxx, you know I care about you.”
She did know that, she finally believed it. “It’s not enough, Connor. I’m not condemning you for that, alright, I’m not. I knew going into this that there could be nothing more, I wasn’t expecting anything more. God, I wasn’t expecting to want anything more.” With a half-smile she stood. “It had to end sometime, right? I’m just ending it sooner rather than later.”
Feeling like he was in some sort of daze, Connor followed her out of the room. She was leaving. Leaving. And he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t even know what he was feeling. Different conflicting emotions were swirling inside him and fogging his thoughts to the extent that he couldn’t tell what those emotions were. His chest ached and burned. All he knew for sure was that he didn’t want her to go. Everything inside him rebelled against it.
When he saw her suitcase and handbag positioned near the door he frowned. There was no way she could have packed without him hearing her fumbling around, which could only mean that she’d packed last night. “You knew last night you’d be ending this today,” he surmised. How had he not seen it in her eyes? “Where’re you going to be staying?”
Wanting to dodge that question she asked, “Oh would it be alright if I left Bronty with you and have Tony get him later?” Tony had moved her car and parked it outside his house to confuse whoever was following her. Connor had known, even gave Tony her keys, agreeing it was a good idea. “I won’t be allowed to put him in a taxi with me.” Ollie was outside right now waiting for her; they would be going straight to the airport from here.
“Yeah, sure.” His voice was low and rough. He watched as she made a fuss of Bronty and then went to her case and handbag. Panic welled up again inside him. “Jaxx.”
Jaxxon was surprised by the torment she saw on his face. She shouldn’t have told him about what had happened with Nick and Matthew; now he was feeling guilty and probably thinking that she was really leaving because she blamed him for everything. She went to where he stood – for once he was naked in front of her without an erection – and looped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. She wasn’t good at affectionate touches, but she wanted to give him a ‘bye hug’, wanted him to know there were no ill feelings. He crushed her to him and buried his face in her hair.