Standing up, I took a deep breath and tried to calm my beating heart, then took off my glasses and laid them on the table. There was no point in wearing them now. When I came here, I knew this day would come. I’d prepared for it several times over the past year. But I realized now that you could never truly prepare for something like this.
Our past wasn’t normal, yet neither was the way I loved River Kipling. He’d been my anchor in the storm until I had needed to break free to save him. And I had. Because I’d loved him that much.
As I opened the door, every memory I had of River flooded through me. Every good moment, every life-changing moment, every time he had made me feel safe. I owed it to that boy to answer to this man. To give him the truth. All of it.
Eleven years ago
I sat curled up on my bed while tears silently slid down my cheeks. My stupid, freckled cheeks. I hated having freckles. I hated being short. I wanted to be tall and tan, like Delany O’Neil. Then maybe River would look at me the way he looked at her.
I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, trying to fight back the image in my head from today. River was supposed to be waiting for me to walk me home, but he wasn’t there yet. I figured since I’d gotten out of class early, I could go find him and meet him on his way out. I wanted to tell him I passed the history test he helped me study for.
It hadn’t been hard to find him. He had Delany O’Neil pressed up against his locker, his hands on her breasts and his mouth glued to hers. I even saw a glimpse of her tongue—or his, I wasn’t sure. It was hard to take it all in when my heart exploded into a million pieces in my chest.
Delany had her hands tangled in River’s sun-kissed locks that I always wanted to touch but never did. Her leg was sliding up to his hip, and when he moved a hand to grab her thigh, I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I covered my mouth to silence my cry and turned and ran home.
The house was empty. I was thankful I didn’t have to worry about a beating or punishment just for being alive. My room was the only comfort I wanted. Locked inside, alone. Me and my heartbreak.
I knew River liked Delany. I’d seen him watch her when she walked by. He was beautiful, and it was only a matter of time before she turned his way. He’d be in love with her soon. He’d want to be with her, and I’d be left here alone.
At least I wouldn’t have to worry about him getting hurt or having to see his mother act crazy. He would get a break from that when he was with Delany. I’d just need to learn to live with it and survive it while he was gone. It wasn’t like I’d have him around to protect me forever.
The doorknob turned, and I jumped before the banging began. “Addy, are you in there?” River’s voice was panicked. I hadn’t told him I was leaving, but I figured he’d forget about me with Delany latched onto him.
“Yeah,” I croaked out, wincing at the sound of my own voice.
“Shit, are you OK? Why did you come back without me? Did she hurt you? Fuck, Addy, open the door.”
He was worried about me. He was always worried about me. I was his burden, and I hated that even more than I hated my freckles. I sniffled and wiped at my face, knowing it was going to be red and splotchy.
“Please, Addy. Open up,” he begged.
I stood and went to the door, wishing I didn’t have to face him. I could still see his hand on Delany and his tongue in her mouth. Cringing with jealousy and disgust, I opened the door.
River shoved inside before I could get it all the way open. “What happened?” he asked, cupping my face and studying it closely for any signs of abuse.
“Nothing,” I mumbled, and stepped away from him, knowing where those hands had been so recently. “You see, I’m good. You can go.” I pointed to the door without making eye contact with him.
“Like hell you’re good. You won’t even look at me, and since when do you kick me out of your room? Addy, something happened, and I want to know who the fuck I need to beat up.” He was always ready to save me. The short, freckled best friend who was in love with him.
“No one. It’s not what you think. I’m just emotional,” I admitted. I walked back to my bed to sit down.
“You’re never emotional. Something’s wrong. Tell me.”
He didn’t realize that he didn’t really want to know what was wrong. He thought he did, but he really didn’t. How would he handle it? I wasn’t a girl he could avoid. I was in his house. Living the same daily hell he was. “Would you trust me if I told you that you don’t want to know this, and you can’t fix it?” I asked him.
He shook his head no. “I want to know what makes you cry, because I know I can fucking fix it.”
Sighing, I pulled my knees up under my chin and turned my head away from him to stare at the wall. We would do this all night. He wouldn’t leave until I told him. He’d know if I lied to him, because he could read me too well. In so many ways, we were similar. Telling him was going to hurt us both. But he was my best friend, and if I was going to have a hard time adjusting to this, then he should be prepared. I doubted this was the last time I would curl up and cry over him and Delany. Or some other girl.
“I saw you with Delany,” I whispered. As soon as I said it, I wished I hadn’t. I hoped he hadn’t heard me. When he didn’t respond, I thought maybe I had a reprieve and he had missed the admission. Closing my eyes tightly, I held my breath.
“That’s why you’re crying?” he asked, too gently, in a tone that told me he cared. It only made me feel worse. He would hate to think he had made me cry. I’d been selfish to tell him. “Addy, talk to me. Is that why you left school without me and why you’re crying right now?”