She responded with a gentle, reassuring squeeze of my fingers. ‘What is it, Finn?’
It was the first time I’d ever let myself consider it. ‘It’s not a joke, is it Lili? I mean, it’s the reason I’m here, the only thing I’m fit for. If I can’t do this, and I mean really can’t, then what the fuck is she going to do with me?’
‘Do you really want to know?’
I nodded, not entirely sure that I did.
‘The woman’s addicted to hurting people – you, particularly, but not exclusively.’ Lilith glanced down at her right hand, where the bruises from that night still hadn’t faded. ‘It stopped being simple pleasure for her years ago. This isn’t just Blaine’s family business; it’s her entire existence, and it’s been going on for so long that the softer stuff isn’t doing it for her anymore.’
I knew this one. ‘She needs to get her hands on the nastier shit just to get the same rush.’
‘Exactly. Just look at what’s happened to you since I’ve been here. There’s no way you’d have survived three years of the kind of treatment I’ve witnessed in the last few weeks.’
‘True enough.’ I lay there half-dead, staring at the ceiling. ‘I’d nearly stopped giving a shit before you arrived, you know that? Christ, she’d get so fucking frustrated with me, whack me half to death every night for a week, or pull in the roughest client in her address book so she could sit and watch, and all the time my head was slidin’ out of the door. The less I cared, the more furious she got.’
Lilith nodded. ‘So I was brought here to drag you back to life and extend the game for as long as possible, but that time’s just about up, and I think she’s already planning your replacement. You’re a snuff movie in waiting.’
‘Jesus.’ I’d got my answer and I couldn’t argue with a word of it. The water turned to ice around me.
‘Finn, listen to me.’ Lilith’s voice was faint against the roaring in my head. ‘You asked me what I thought, and that’s the truth.’ She knelt up against the side of the bath so that we were face to face. ‘But none of that will happen, because we’re going to get the bitch first.’
Lilith
The second tap on the door that morning was so soft that Finn, now clad in clean pyjamas and swaddled in my duvet, didn’t even hear it. But I did. ‘It’s all right Henry, you can come in.’
‘I was worried when you didn’t collect your breakf... Oh dear Lord!’ Henry caught his first glimpse of what was left of Finn. ‘I’ll go,’ he finally managed to splutter. He began to shut the door as he reversed.
‘No you will not,’ I ordered. ‘You’ll come here and take a good look at him, and see what happens when you play by Blaine’s rules.’
‘I can’t.’
I strode towards him. ‘Yes you can. You need to stop running away from the carnage that woman causes. Trust me, Henry.’
Henry placed a tentative foot over the threshold.
Finn glared at him from my bed. ‘You’re lucky I’m fucked, little man, otherwise you’d be dead.’
This time I was ready, and caught Henry by the wrist before he could go anywhere. ‘Trust me,’ I repeated.
‘Is there anything I can do?’ he finally asked, clearly praying for a negative response so he could bolt back to his shelter.
‘Actually there is. I’ve got to see Blaine in half an hour – you can stay with Finn.’
‘The fuck he can,’ Finn spat.
‘Non-negotiable. If you want a couple of my codeine on top of whatever else is flowing through your veins right now, you’re going to need a babysitter. No arguments.’
Finn didn’t even look at Henry. ‘In that case he sits in the corner and he doesn’t even attempt to speak to me. And if the little shit thinks that this lets him off any kind of hook, he can go and get fucked.’
Chapter Twenty Six
Lilith
I perched on a chair in the primrose-painted hell of Blaine’s study whilst she finished an email. I remained quiet until she addressed me; above all else, I needed her to observe my new-found obedience.
At quarter past eleven she looked away from her computer screen. ‘I must say I’m delighted that you finally feel you can be honest with me, Lilith. So, what is it that you need to discuss that’s so terribly private?’