The longer I stood behind the arch, playing the voyeur, the more hellish I felt. I was trying to cut down on some of the shit I’d been throwing down my neck, and as a result I was held in the teeth of a protracted rattle that was controlled enough not to kill me on the spot, but more than enough to give me a headache that didn’t even leave me when I slept, and a cold sweat that soaked through my shirt as it leached the poison from my body. I forced my gaze away from the happy little reunion, and headed for the cellars.
*****
Just ten would do it. The urge to push those little white tablets from their blisters threatened to overwhelm me, so much so that I didn’t dare glance at the drawer where the open packet was kept or even the bin where I’d thrown an empty box; I could already imagine the sharp aftertaste lingering on my tongue.
I shut my eyes and tried to find a centring breath that might give me another minute’s worth of resistance, but my mouth was already filled with that welcoming bitterness. I needed a better diversion than thinking happy thoughts and rainbows. I fumbled in my pocket for my lighter and fag packet, and rolled up my sleeve.
‘Please don’t.’
I felt her walk up to me and stand at my shoulder. I didn’t even turn my head. ‘‘What the hell do you see in me, Lili? ‘Cos I sure as fuck can’t see it in myself. Jesus, I’m this sorry, broken thing next to them! I can’t even speak the same language – what can I talk about, huh? How to get fucked by bastards? The top ten methods of creative self-harm?’
She took the cigarette from my fingers and stubbed it out on the dresser top. ‘I don’t expect you to be like them. Don’t want you to be. It’s not them I want, it’s you. From the moment we met, it’s only been you.’
I couldn’t speak. I turned my lighter over and over in my hand as I fought the urge to light another smoke and drive it into my arm. I was on the very brink of losing myself again, and I didn’t know what the fuck to do about it.
‘I can’t do this alone, Finn. I need you beside me.’
Nobody had ever said that to me. I finally dared myself to face her, wanting to tell her everything that was going on in my head, explain away my idiocy, and then I was kissing her harder than I had ever kissed anyone in my life and the flare of raw need left no fear for fear, doubt, or anything else but Lilith. She gave a muffled squeak of surprise, and I realised what I was doing. I broke away. ‘Aah, oh God, I’m sorry... That was so fucking inappropriate... I... Jesus, you want to talk and I... Oh bollocks.’ I had never sounded like such a magnificent wanker.
‘Finn, shut up and fuck me,’ Lilith whispered in my ear.
So I did.
Lilith hauled my hoodie and t-shirt over my head and flung it into a corner. Seconds later, her own sweater had joined it, followed swiftly by a pair of sweatpants and a black thong and bra and then she was standing naked before me for the first time.
‘Dear God, you’re gorgeous,’ I whispered, and meant it; her deceptively slight frame was all muscle and flawless, tawny skin, from her small, high breasts to the gentle curve of her hips. I wanted all of her, all at once.
Her nipples were already hard before I got anywhere near them; probably something to do with the fact that the temperature was about minus twenty and falling. As I kissed her again, she entwined her arms around my neck . I grabbed her arse, pulling her hungrily towards me, and we staggered backwards into the ancient wall. Lilith wrapped her legs around my waist, and I felt my ribs complain as her thigh muscles gripped me; I was reminded that this was a woman who ran a daily pre-breakfast assault course just for laughs.
‘Sorry – are you…’ she gasped, as I winced.
‘M’good,’ I said, the urgency banishing any pain. We fell onto the mattress and I pulled the filthy duvet over us to combat the cold. I fumbled at the buttons of my jeans and managed to kick them down the bed, and then we were both naked together.
There was no time – no need – for foreplay. Within moments I was inside her, feeling her clench against me, all warmth and silken wetness. Now it was her hands around my backside, drawing me further in with each thrust, and I had to think of the contents of Henry’s fridge before it felt safe for me to proceed.
This time Lilith came first. In one glorious surge, I felt her clasp me ever harder, and she buried her mouth in mine to soften her cry. I finally let myself go, and matched Lilith’s rhythm to join her.