‘You did what you could.’ I managed to muster a smile of encouragement. ‘Go to bed, Henry. Someone’s got to be in a state to do breakfast.’
‘Thank you.’ Henry finally stepped back into the corridor. ‘I feel rather like I’m abandoning you, but thank you.’
‘I’ve really fucked up your night, haven’t I?’ Finn asked. ‘I mean, you get up at God knows what time, and you’ve got work to do and -’
I began to pick up the larger of the shards of glass and place them in the bin. ‘It’s okay.’
‘Sorry for twatting your stuff.’
‘It’s okay, Finn. Really.’
‘Could have been worse,’ Finn added. ‘Last time I got like this, I twatted Henry. Broke his wrist.’ He sat in silence for a while. ‘Hm. Shouldn’t have told you that, should I? It was an accident, though. I wasn’t aiming for him – he just kinda got in my way. I mean, I wouldn’t hit you, y’know?’
‘Yeah, I know. You’re not that dumb.’
He smiled for the first time that night. ‘Too fuckin’ right I’m not.’
*****
When I was satisfied that the last fragment of glass had been removed from the floor, I finally returned to my bed. Finn had sat motionless throughout, silently watching me, coming back to himself.
‘I’ll go soon, honest.’
‘Take whatever time you need. How’re you doing now?’
‘Well I don’t feel like I’m about to go on a massacre anymore. But my back’s having a proper fight with my face to see which one hurts most.’
‘Help yourself to codeine. They’re in that top drawer.’ It was a simple offer, but I must have been exhausted to say anything so stupid. All I could do was lie still in the half-light and hope I hadn’t just made things a million times worse.
Finn
Two hundred and twelve breaths.
That’s how long it took me to risk moving again.
I hadn’t intended to take up Lilith’s offer, but as I hauled myself to my feet, I felt the deeper of the gashes across my shoulders re-open. The next day promised to be real fun, and I knew my meagre supply of ibuprofen wouldn’t begin to touch it.
I picked up the small amber bottle and turned it in my hands. Lilith’s name was on the label along with some stuff in Spanish, probably telling me not to mix this medication with other drugs or alcohol, which was actually pretty funny, all things considered.
Dos… Two, I figured. I tipped two tiny pills into my hand. There were perhaps another fifty left in the bottle and I tapped the side until they all tumbled out and formed a haphazard pyramid in my palm.
A thin film of sweat covered my face. I had trained myself not to do this with my temazepam. Not after the last time. But this was a whole new challenge.
Codeine. Not one of the big guns, like smack or morphine, but I guessed I held enough in my hand for a peaceful night’s sleep without the added complication of waking up.
It was the best opportunity I’d had in months. With everything else in my bloodstream I could easily make it look like an accident, and I could even hear Lilith saying, But I let him take them…
I glanced across at Lilith’s sleeping form and idly wondered if she’d be bothered, then remembered her gentle hands examining the mess Laura Fenworth had made of my face, and as soon as I thought about that it all fell apart.
I counted another fifty two breaths whilst I stared at my one-way ticket, then carefully tipped all but six tablets back into the bottle.
Not this time.
Chapter Thirteen
Lilith
After only three hours’ sleep, that morning’s run was a real test of my tenacity. I could so easily have pulled the duvet over my head and stayed in that warm burrow all day, but I knew that even one lapse would be a sign that my resolve was beginning to crumble.
So under an azure sky that taunted me with memories of Santa Marita, I made my eleventh and final circuit of the island. As usual, Bran had joined me for this last slow lap, and now the little lurcher came to observe the stretches that marked the end of my run. She left me as I reached the solid side door that took me back into the Hall, trotting off to the greenhouse where she spent most of her day.
As I walked through the dining hall on the way to my breakfast in the kitchen, I saw Laura Fenworth sitting alone at the head of the table. Any pleasure from the previous night’s activities had long gone; she gazed down at the empty plate before her and I guessed she was scheduled for a meeting with Blaine.