I cashed that paycheck, glad for the experience, and went back to filming strictly girl-girl. I’d recovered from Logan, for the most part, after a week or two of pining. But I didn’t know if my reaction had been to the hetero sex or to Logan. I didn’t have enough experience to be sure, and I wasn’t interested in collecting the data to find out. It seemed safer to just stick to what I knew.
I’m not quite that honest when he asks me why I haven’t done any het porn since the shoot with him and Raven. He’s asked once before; this time it’s for the camera. “I realized it was cleaner.”
“Cleaner? As in, no cum shots to clean up?”
I pause my eyeliner application to chuckle. He’s filming me while I get ready for a girl-girl scene I booked with a producer I’ve worked with several times before. Logan decided it would be great footage for the Lelie project, seeing me “at work,” so he got permission to shoot while I’m prepping. Like most of the films I do, this one is low-budget. We’re shooting in a studio that’s tucked inside an infrequently patronized strip mall in West Hollywood. It was formerly an artist’s studio. My dressing room consists of a cracked mirror hung above a leaky basin that looks like it was used to clean paintbrushes, but it’s private and has a door that closes and locks, and that’s what’s important.
It’s silly, but even though the set is shit compared to the ones Logan usually works on, I’m excited for him to be here. I’m excited for him to see me at my job. Of course he understands what I do better than any other guy I’ve slept with, but he hasn’t seen me do what I do since the shoot three years ago.
Well, except for what we’ve shot for Star-Crossed. But that’s different.
“I meant cleaner in the figurative sense. I’ve learned that I’m a woman who, like all women, is easily aroused by various stimuli but prefers to have relationships with men. Even though I can have a good time making out with another girl, I only ever fall in love with boys.” I focus unnecessarily hard on my lipstick application as I say this last part. We’ve said that we’re going to try the boyfriend-girlfriend thing, and that’s all I’m ready to say for the moment. But I mentioned the L word because I want him to know this about me—want him to know that there’s no danger of me having an emotional connection to Kendi Korn, my scene partner for the day.
Of course, telling him this might make it harder to justify my het scene with LaRue Hagen’s studio booked for later today, but I’m not thinking about that right now.
“So, you consider yourself straight, even though you lick pussy all day? Do you fake all your orgasms, or…?”
“Actually, since I mostly film soft porn, it’s kissing that I do all day—I only lick pussy in the afternoons.” In my periphery, I don’t miss Logan adjusting his pants. “I’m straight because I’m only drawn to men off-camera. But, biologically, I’m perfectly capable of having an orgasm with a woman.” I turn to deliver my next line directly to the camera. “And I’ve never had to fake it.”
Logan groans. “You know what you’re doing to me, don’t you? It’s going to take all my strength not to jack off while you’re filming.”
“I’m pretty sure that will get you kicked off set.” It would be crazy hot, though, knowing he was jerking off while I was performing, knowing he was stroking himself, pretending that my lips or my body were around him. If I weren’t concerned about either of us getting in trouble, I’d suggest he do it, and admittedly, the idea of breaking the rules makes the whole scenario even hotter. Like when we fucked the night before at the gallery—I was leery because of the consequences, because the last thing I want is for Logan to face charges for indecent exposure. It could have an extremely negative impact on his career, and I would hate myself if I were partly to blame for anything like that.
But, Jesus, last night, knowing we were doing something so “wrong,” so naughty—it about blew my mind. And then Logan actually did blow my mind. Over and over again, with the sex and the talk of making it real, and the way he was super cool with my mom, and taking me to an art show based on constellations! And then telling me he wants to try to be my boyfriend—whatever is going on between us is magical and amazing and big, and I’m really into it.
But I have doubts too. I can’t figure out if they’re based in my head or my heart, but they’re definitely there. I’ve tried to rationalize through it and haven’t gotten very far. On the one hand, he makes porn for a living. On the other, that doesn’t mean he’s necessarily a playboy—he was with Raven for three years, after all. But their breakup is still new. So maybe I’m his rebound girl. Or maybe I’m the girl he was really looking for when he started dating her. Or maybe he’s like this with everyone. Maybe what we have between us is nothing special.
Or maybe it is. Maybe he is. Maybe I am. He sure makes it feel like I am.
I could probably spend an entire lunar synodic cycle trying to figure it out and still not be any closer to knowing.
And that’s probably best. Because I admire Logan’s skills, and I, as a viewer of his work, love believing that he’s into the women he fucks as much as it looks like he is.
But as the woman he fucked last night? As the woman whom he’s calling his sort-of girlfriend? As the woman who slept with his arms tucked snugly around her? As the woman who’s developing very real, very intense feelings for him?