* * *
The next morning, I made the call.
I was in the kitchen in my jammies with my coffee and two kittens with their faces stuffed into a bowl of kitty chow, my phone to my ear.
It rang twice, then I heard, “Babe, we’re all up. Gonna be there. Maybe an hour.”
“Low, can we talk for a sec?”
There was a hesitation before, “Sure, beautiful.”
I drew in breath before I said, “I think we should cancel today.”
There was another hesitation, then I heard him say, not to me, “Gonna be outside. Keep on keepin’ on.” I heard some noises that might be the RV door opening and shutting and then I had Logan back. “Say what?”
“I think we should cancel today,” I repeated, then quickly continued. “I think the girls need a break.”
“From what?”
“From me,” I said carefully.
He said nothing for a moment.
Then he pointed out, “They had fun with you yesterday.”
Maybe Cleo had.
Zadie, not at all.
“They need dad time,” I told him.
“They had that last night.”
I knew this wasn’t going to be easy and I’d been right.
“Snooks,” I said softly. “They only see you for any period of time every couple of weeks. It’ll get to the point where I’m a part of their life, a part of visits with Dad. But right now it’s a lot of stress to put on two young girls.”
And me.
Though I didn’t add that.
“They’re fine.”
“I really think you should give them a day with just you,” I pushed.
I got another moment of hesitation before he asked, “Are you sayin’ you don’t wanna be with my girls?”
Shit.
“No, absolutely not,” I replied firmly. “It’s not that at all, Low. I like them. Cleo’s sweet and Zadie’s coming around.” The last was a lie but... whatever. “It’s just that I think this is too much too soon.”
“They don’t see you today, babe, I don’t see you.”
I’d thought of that. I loved that he wanted to see me and I hated that we wouldn’t see each other.
But we, both of us, had to have a mind to his girls.
“Logan—”
“There somethin’ you’re not tellin’ me?”
Shit!
“No,” I lied again. “It’s just that, if it was thirty years ago and I was in this situation with my dad, this is what I’d want.”
“Bullshit,” he returned. “You fuckin’ love your dad. You’d want him to be happy and you’d wanna be there to see that.”
He was right.
“Low—”
“What are you not tellin’ me?”
“Nothing,” I lied again. “I just think you should give your girls a dad day.”
He didn’t reply and this wasn’t just a moment’s hesitation.
This was several moments’ hesitation.
Then he asked, “Zadie say shit to you?”
He asked straight out.
Could I lie straight out?
I had no choice. Delaying my answer was my answer.
The honest one.
“She did,” he bit out. “What’d she say?”
“It wasn’t anything, Snooks,” I answered softly. “I just think you need to give her some time to get used to the idea of me before you force her to spend more time with me.”
“Burned you,” he stated, words that confused me.
“What?” I asked.
“You walked through fire to give me my girls and the first time you looked at ’em, you did it again. Sent you straight to hell, seein’ what I had that you didn’t. Seein’ what I had we couldn’t make. You’re dealin’ with that and Zadie’s bein’ a snot.”
It felt extremely good he noticed and he cared.
But as he spoke, he got angrier with each word and I suspected Zadie would hear about it and that wouldn’t make things any better for her and me.
“You need to give her time to get used to the idea of me, Low. She’s a little girl. I love that you want this to go well. I love that you want it to happen fast. But other people are involved and sometimes we can’t make what we want happen like we want it to happen.”
“Cleo say shit?” he ground out.
“No. We... things are good between Cleo and me,” I assured him. “We’ve had a couple of moments. I think she wants you to be happy but I also think she’s getting around to liking me.”
“She ain’t a little girl, Millie,” he stated. “Zadie’s ten. She knows better.”
“Ten is not twenty-three, Logan,” I told him, and hurriedly continued before he could say anything. “And it’s not my place, I don’t know how to handle your daughters, but I have a feeling that you getting angry at her for having valid emotions is only making her not like me more.”
“Shit happens in life and you handle, it, Millie. You don’t act out like a five-year-old and pour Sprite on it to make it go away.”
He had a point.
“It’s not that they need a break,” he declared. “It’s you who needs one.”
“Honestly, Snook’ums,” I said carefully, “you’re kinda right. But I think it’s all of us.”
“Right,” he clipped irately. “Plans are canceled today, which sucks. For twenty years I have not had a lotta good days that are just fuckin’ good. Yesterday, my three girls together, was one of those days. I was lookin’ forward to more.”