“My moss?” I give a little laugh.
“Biddy. Your dad. The farm.” He spreads his arms. “Moss, moss, moss. I want moss.” As he looks at me, I realize he’s not joking. He’s deadly serious. “I had the shittiest upbringing for moss.” A tiny spasm runs across his face, as though he’s trying to dodge the memory. “But it’s not too late, is it?”
“No, of course it isn’t. You just have to…” I pause, feeling as if I’m treading on eggshells. “Decide to stay. To commit. To reach out to people and be with them and…well…let them turn into your moss.”
There’s silence. Alex is gazing at my face, his brow furrowed, as though he’s trying to learn something very difficult and impenetrable from me.
“You’re right,” he says abruptly. “I run. I always fucking run. Well, I’m not running anymore. I want stability. I want love,” he adds, and I feel a tiny frisson as he says the word. “You know? Long-term proper love. I mean, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?”
“Well, I think so.” I feel a kind of spreading joy inside me. “I think you’ll be happy that way. And so…” I hesitate. “So will the people you love.”
There’s a taut silence between us. His dark eyes are still searching my face; he’s never seemed so intense.
“I agree,” he says softly. “I have a whole new outlook. I’m committing. This is it.” He bangs his fist in the other hand as though inspired. “I’m going to New York.”
What?
Did I hear that right?
“I’m going to find my dad,” he says with sudden passion. “Because I’ve ignored him. I’ve hated him. And that’s all wrong. Isn’t it? I mean, we’re in the same field. Maybe we should try working together.”
“You’re going to live in New York?” I’m so crestfallen, my voice breaks.
“Not sure yet. All I know is, I want the same relationship as you have with your dad. Maybe we are both tricksy sods, but shouldn’t we at least try?”
“But…” I’m still struggling to take in this hammer blow. “What about your job?”
“Oh, Cooper Clemmow need me back in New York next week,” he says as though this is some minor consideration. “American Electrics want me back on their rebrand—not in the role I’m in at the moment,” he adds firmly. “Forget that. I’ve realized I’m not cut out to be a manager. But what I can do is create. And I want to create a whole new life. A family-based life. Stable. Forever.”
He falls silent. Somehow I manage an encouraging smile, even though there’s a hot, looming sadness in my head. I thought…
No. Stop. It doesn’t matter what I thought.
“Wow. New York. I mean, that’s—” I break off, my voice not quite steady. “It’s a great idea.”
“It is, right?” Alex nods eagerly. “And it was you who gave me that idea.”
“Great!” I say shrilly. “I’m so pleased.”
The more brightly I talk, the tighter my throat feels and the harder I have to blink. I’m in shock. I hadn’t realized. I did let him into my heart. I did. I didn’t even know I was doing it, but somehow there he is, wrapped up with everything that I love.
Suddenly I notice Demeter watching us from the open doorway. She must have arrived back a while ago, because I can tell from her expression that she’s heard. And although she says nothing, I can hear her voice in my head, clear as a bell. One-Way Alex…never touches the same ground twice…a lot of broken hearts…don’t get smitten…protect yourself.
Protect myself. I can feel my mental armies springing into action. I can feel every self-defensive instinct waking up. Because here’s the thing I need to remember: Life is good at the moment. And I’m not about to blight it by pining after a man. I’m not about to hope for impossible things. However well we seemed to work together.
“Actually, Demeter?” I say, in the most nonchalant tone I can manage. “Could you give us another moment?”
Demeter turns away with one last, sympathetic look at me. I turn to Alex and draw breath, my heart hammering.
“So, I don’t know how you saw things working out between us, but…you know.” I force a bright, carefree smile. “We’ll both probably find…different paths from now on. So. No hard feelings. It was fun, wasn’t it?”
“Oh.” Alex seems a bit discomfited. “I see. Got it.”
“I mean, New York’s a long way away!” I give a breezy laugh. “You’ll be busy…I’ll be busy….”
“Yes. I mean, I had thought…” He trails off and shakes his head, as though dispelling an uncomfortable thought. “But…OK. Right. Understood.”
“So.” I clear my throat. “That’s…good. Sorted.”
There’s an awkward silence in the office. I breathe out a few times, my gaze distant, trying to keep my cool. I feel a bit like giving myself a high five, for sorting my life so efficiently, and a bit like bursting into tears.
“I’m not going for a week or two,” says Alex eventually, in wary tones. “I was actually going to ask if you wanted to come round to my flat tonight?”
“Right.” I swallow, trying to maintain my indifferent demeanor and not give away how much I want him.
It’s not only the sex or the way he makes me laugh or his sudden, random, always-entertaining ideas. It’s the sharing, the confiding, the peeling away the layers of him. Which is, I guess, how I ended up letting him into my heart. And so, really, I should say, No, let’s end it here. But I’m not quite that strong.