“Sorry.”
“I’m not. He’s not my problem anymore,” she said. “He’s dating someone back in Sydney. He told me he’s actually thinking about marriage.”
“Already?”
“It’s his life,” she shrugged. “If he asked me, I’d tell him that he should probably give it more time, but he didn’t ask so I didn’t offer. And besides, we’re divorced. He can do what he wants.”
I put a hand in my pocket as I walked beside her. “How can you do that? Not let it bother you, I mean. When I think about Vivian and Walter, I get so angry and it hurts. I can’t disengage.”
“It’s still too new,” she said. “But as tough as I sound and as much as I meant what I said about David, it still hurt when he told me. No one likes to feel they’re easily replaced. For a long time, even though I told people that I wanted David to be happy after we’d separated, what I really wanted was for him to sit at home like a hermit, feeling awful about himself and grieving for everything he lost.”
I imagined Vivian like that. “That sounds good. How can we convince them to do that?”
She laughed. “If only it were that easy, right? Exes are never easy. Last weekend, he actually hit on me.”
“Seriously? What about his girlfriend?”
“She didn’t come up. And I’ll admit that there was a minute or so where I considered going through with it. He is handsome, and we used to have a good time together.”
“How did it happen?”
“Alcohol,” she said and I laughed.
“Anyway, he’d been out all day with Bodhi and when he brought Bodhi home, Bodhi went right to bed. I was having a glass of wine and I offered him one. One glass led to the next and he was being his regular charming self, and the next thing I knew, his hand was on my knee. I knew what he wanted and…”
I waited as she collected her thoughts. She looked over at me.
“I knew it was a terrible idea, but I still liked the way he made me feel. It’s crazy, but that’s how it was. It’s been a long time since I felt desired and attractive. Part of it’s my own fault, of course. It’s not like I’ve really put myself out there in the last year and a half. I’ve gone on a few dates and the guys were nice, but I figured out pretty quickly that I wasn’t ready to start another relationship. Which meant that when they called a second time, I always put them off. Sometimes, I wish I were the type of person who could sleep around without feeling guilty or like I’m a tramp, but I’m not wired that way. I’ve never had a one-night stand.”
“Wait, I thought there was this guy in college once…”
“That doesn’t count,” she said with an airy wave. “I have erased that evening from my memory, so it never happened.”
“Ah,” I said.
“Anyway, David started to kiss my neck, and part of me was thinking Oh, why the hell not? Fortunately, I came to my senses. On the plus side, he handled the rejection gracefully. No temper tantrums, no argument. Just a shrug and sigh, like I was the one who was really going to be missing out.” She shook her head. “And I can’t believe I just told you all that.”
“It’s no big deal. If it makes you feel better, I probably won’t remember it. The tornado of emotions I’m living in is wreaking havoc with my memory.”
“May I ask a question?”
“Go ahead.”
“What about London?”
“That’s more complicated,” I admitted. “For now, Vivian thinks it’s best that London stay with me since she’s traveling so much and hasn’t had time to get her place set up. But she was pretty clear that after that, she wants London to move to Atlanta.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t want her to go… but I also know that she needs her mom.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. I guess it’s something we’ll be discussing. To be honest, I don’t know anything about this entire process.”
“Have you spoken to an attorney yet?”
“No,” I said. “She didn’t mention divorce until yesterday. And before that, I was in no condition to do much of anything.”
By then, I could see the clubhouse in the distance. I wasn’t sure how far we’d walked, but we’d been out there for over an hour. My stomach gurgled.
Emily must have heard it. “Are you hungry? Why don’t we grab a bite to eat?”
“I don’t think we’re dressed for the country club.”
“We’ll sit in the bar area. It’s casual. It’s where golfers end up after they finish their rounds.”
As much as the walk with Emily had felt necessary, having lunch – just the two of us, at the club – made me feel as though I was crossing a boundary of sorts. I was still married. Vivian and I weren’t even legally separated. Hence, this was wrong.
And yet…
The other side of the equation was obvious, even to me. What would Vivian say to me if she found out? That I was crossing a line? That rumors would start?
I cleared my throat. “Lunch sounds great.”
The clubhouse was imposing and somewhat stuffy on the outside, but the interior had been recently renovated and was lighter and airier than I’d expected. Windows lined two of the walls, offering a spectacular view of the eighteenth hole. I spotted a foursome making their way to the putting green as Emily pointed to a table in the corner, one of the few that wasn’t already occupied.