I suck in a breath, closing my eyes.
It takes an age before I find the strength to turn back to him, and when I do, he’s still leaning against the wall, not looking at me, eyes on the ground, his arms wrapped around himself.
Summoning his own strength, he turns my way and lifts his eyes to mine, and for the first time, I see Kas.
The real Kas.
He’s wide open and bleeding for me.
God, it hurts. It hurts so fucking much.
Tears fill my eyes. I bite my lip to keep the pain in.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better man for you. The man you deserve.” His voice is rough with emotion.
And the tears spill down over my cheeks.
I know they affect him. I see his hand flex, like he wants to reach out and touch me. But he stays where he is.
“I don’t think I’m capable of love anymore,” he speaks softly. “I haven’t been for a long time. But I do know what I feel for you, and it’s…”
He gently shakes his head, his eyes briefly looking away before coming back to me. I see the shine in them, and it makes me cry harder.
“What I feel for you is debilitating and terrifying and exhilarating…and the best thing to ever happen to me. You are the best thing to ever happen to me. And, if you only ever believe one thing I’ve told you, then believe this; if I could love someone, then it would be you, Daisy. A million times over, it would be you.”
Thirty-Eight
“If I could love someone, then it would be you, Daisy. A million times over, it would be you.”
Those words have been on repeat in my head all day.
I tip my head against the window, the vibration of the train running on the tracks beating against my head, as Kelly Clarkson sings “Beautiful Disaster” in my ears.
After that night when I walked away from Kas, he didn’t come after me. He offered to drive me home, but the pain and confusion and atmosphere between us was bad enough, and I couldn’t endure a car ride home with him. So, he called me a taxi.
I’ll still have to see him in a handful of hours. Even though I might not be able to have a relationship with Kas, I still need my job. It’s one of the things that ensures I’ll get Jesse back.
When I got home, I let myself quietly into our apartment. I got in bed and spent the rest of the night staring at my darkened ceiling.
I got up early and went for a run.
When I got back, Cece was up. She was surprised to see me, as she’d thought I was at Kas’s. I told her that Kas and I weren’t going to work out.
Then, I surprised myself by bursting into tears.
Of course, I couldn’t tell her the real reason. So, I just told her that he wasn’t right for me.
I knew she knew there was more to it, but she didn’t push. She was just awesome, like always. She hugged me and then told me it was girls’ night tonight—takeout, wine, and a chick flick.
I dreaded going to work and having to see him. But I put my big-girl panties on and went to work.
He wasn’t there.
His car was gone.
And then I started to get worried. Worried that he’d gone after Damien.
I broke down and called him. I got his voice mail, which only made me feel worse. I didn’t bother leaving a message.
What could I say? Please don’t kill him.
I did text him later in the day, just asking him to let me know he was okay.
So far, I haven’t heard back.
I’m scared for Kas.
And you know what? The scariest thing is that I don’t care that a man is soon going to lose his life. Or that Kas has taken the life of two other men. Because they deserved it. Damien deserves it.
And if thinking that makes me a bad person, then so be it.
Those bastards raped and murdered a seventeen-year-old girl. They forced Kas to watch that brutality, and then they stabbed him and left him for dead.
When I think of Kas killing them, I can’t feel anything but justice for Haley.
And Damien put me in prison for eighteen months. I’m not a girl out for revenge, but I can’t help but feel it right now.
I know some people would say, Turn him over to the police. But slippery fuckers like Damien always manage to get away.
And, honestly, jail wouldn’t be enough of a punishment for him. Trust me, I’ve spent time inside, and the punishment Damien deserves for what he did on that night seven years ago isn’t sitting pretty in a jail cell. He deserves to suffer.
An eye for an eye and all that.
Kas lost everything because of Damien. I lost everything because of Damien.
I guess we’ll always be tied in that way.
So, between compulsively checking the news for reports of a murder—or worse, of Kas being hurt—I’ve been aching over losing him.
My day has been a complete mindfuck.
I just need to hear from Kas. I need to know he’s okay.
My phone vibrates on the table in front of me. My eyes flash to it, heart racing, hoping it’s Kas. I deflate when I see it’s Anne calling, which shows how bad things are, but then my heart picks back up when I realize that it’s Anne calling.
Jesse.
I yank the earphones from my ears and connect the call. “Hello?” I rush out, worry prickling me, as it always does when it comes to Jesse.
“Hi, Daisy. It’s Anne.” Her voice sounds upbeat, which relaxes me some.
“Hi,” I say.
“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” she asks.
“No, not at all.” Well, aside from me sitting here, obsessing over the fact that the man I’m in love with is out for revenge and will soon kill the man who ruined his life. Other than that, no, you’re not interrupting anything. “I’m just on the train on my way home from work.”