Carlisle's black Mercedes was not in front of Billy's house. That was both good and bad. Obviously, I needed to talk to Jacob alone. Yet I still wished I could somehow hold Edward's hand, like I had before, when Jacob was unconscious. Impossible. But I missed Edward - it had seemed like a very long afternoon alone with Alice. I supposed that made my answer quite obvious. I already knew that I couldn't live without Edward. That fact wasn't going to make this any less painful.
I tapped quietly on the front door.
"Come in, Bella," Billy said. The roar of my truck was easy to recognize.
I let myself in.
"Hey, Billy. Is he awake?" I asked.
"He woke up about a half hour ago, just before the doctor left. Go on in. I think he's been waiting for you."
I flinched, and then took a deep breath. "Thanks."
I hesitated at the door to Jacob's room, not sure whether to knock. I decided to peek first, hoping - coward that I was - that maybe he'd gone back to sleep. I felt like I could use just a few more minutes.
I opened the door a crack and leaned hesitantly in.
Jacob was waiting for me, his face calm and smooth. The haggard, gaunt look was gone, but only a careful blankness took its place. There was no animation in his dark eyes.
It was hard to look at his face, knowing that I loved him. It made more of a difference than I would have thought. I wondered if it had always been this hard for him, all this time.
Thankfully, someone had covered him with a quilt. It was a relief not to have to see the extent of the damage.
I stepped in and shut the door quietly behind me.
"Hi, Jake," I murmured.
He didn't answer at first. He looked at my face for a long moment. Then, with some effort, he rearranged his expression into a slightly mocking smile.
"Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that." He sighed. "Today has definitely taken a turn for the worse. First I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Seth gets all the glory. Then Leah has to be an idiot trying to prove she's as tough as the rest of us and I have to be the idiot who saves her. And now this." He waved his left hand toward me where I hesitated by the door.
"How are you feeling?" I mumbled. What a stupid question.
"A little stoned. Dr. Fang isn't sure how much pain medication I need, so he's going with trial and error. Think he overdid it."
"But you're not in pain."
"No. At least, I can't feel my injuries," he said, smiling mockingly again.
I bit my lip. I was never going to get through this. Why didn't anyone ever try to kill me when I wanted to die?
The wry humor left his face, and his eyes warmed up. His forehead creased, like he was worried.
"How about you?" he asked, sounding really concerned. "Are you okay?"
"Me?" I stared at him. Maybe he had taken too many drugs. "Why?"
"Well, I mean, I was pretty sure that he wouldn't actually hurt you, but I wasn't sure how bad it was going to be. I've been going a little crazy with worrying about you ever since I woke up. I didn't know if you were going to be allowed to visit or anything. The suspense was terrible. How did it go? Was he mean to you? I'm sorry if it was bad. I didn't mean for you to have to go through that alone. I was thinking I'd be there. . . ."
It took me a minute to even understand. He babbled on, looking more and more awkward, until I got what he was saying. Then I hurried to reassure him.
"No, no, Jake! I'm fine. Too fine, really. Of course he wasn't mean. I wish!"
His eyes widened in what looked like horror. "What?"
"He wasn't even mad at me - he wasn't even mad at you! He's so unselfish it makes me feel even worse. I wish he would have yelled at me or something. It's not like I don't deserve . . . well, much worse that getting yelled at. But he doesn't care. He just wants me to be happy."
"He wasn't mad?" Jacob asked, incredulous.
"No. He was . . . much too kind."
Jacob stared for another minute, and then he suddenly frowned. "Well, damn!" he growled.
"What's wrong, Jake? Does it hurt?" My hands fluttered uselessly as I looked around for his medication.
"No," he grumbled in a disgusted tone. "I can't believe this! He didn't give you an ultimatum or anything?"
"Not even close - what's wrong with you?"
He scowled and shook his head. "I was sort of counting on his reaction. Damn it all. He's better than I thought."
The way he said it, though angrier, reminded me of Edward's tribute to Jacob's lack of ethics in the tent this morning. Which meant that Jake was still hoping, still fighting. I winced as that stabbed deep.
"He's not playing any game, Jake," I said quietly.
"You bet he is. He's playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what he's doing and I don't. Don't blame me because he's a better manipulator than I am - I haven't been around long enough to learn all his tricks."
"He isn't manipulating me!"
"Yes, he is! When are you going to wake up and realize that he's not a perfect as you think he is?"
"At least he didn't threaten to kill himself to make me kiss him," I snapped. As soon as the words were out, I flushed with chagrin. "Wait. Pretend that didn't slip out. I swore to myself that I wasn't going to say anything about that."
He took a deep breath. When he spoke, he was calmer. "Why not?"
"Because I didn't come here to blame you for anything."
"It's true, though," he said evenly. "I did do that."
"I don't care, Jake. I'm not mad."
He smiled. "I don't care, either. I knew you'd forgive me, and I'm glad I did it. I'd do it again. At least I have that much. At least I made you see that you do love me. That's worth something."