Dazed, I pull in a shocked breath, his words shredding me wide open as the truth behind them morphs Brock into a deceitful liar in the back of my mind. Still, how dare I feel this way about the only man I’ve ever loved up until this point, the man who unselfishly allowed me to touch, taste, and live out a fantasy most girls could only dream about, let alone experience in the flesh?
I can’t, every supercilious ounce of me screaming that it’s wrong.
Yet, that doesn’t change the tangled emotions spurring through my head. Brock tricked me into believing he was cool with all of us doing it again, his lie a punch to my gut as Ryder maneuvers through the winter wonderland of downtown Annapolis and onto an exit ramp. Body aching with the confusion Brock’s caused it, my heart hurts, the organ smothered with regret. Not so much because he lied to me, but more so because the man I’ve loved for what feels like an eternity is caught up in his own pain, my insisting on being with Ryder again bruising him to the point that he couldn’t even tell me about it.
I’ve broken him, my hands filthier than his in this sinking boat’s demise.
Anxiety grows, a steady mounting of unease greasing the pit of my stomach as my greatest fear blooms to life . . . I’m never going to be able to share these two men ever again. That beautiful night was a onetime thing, its powerful emotions never to be revisited. Both of my boys are hurt, their hostility toward each other a clear indication that I’m going to have to choose one of them.
But how do you pick your right arm over your left, your ability to walk versus sight? How do you choose night versus day, water versus food?
You can’t. Your natural instinct is to hold on to everything that helps you live.
“You belong with me, not him, peach,” Ryder says, his voice soft, a balm, but for a fleeting second, to my nerves. “Have since the day you landed, whether my fault or not, in my lap.”
I hear him. Hear every word he’s saying, but when I think about Brock finding out about my feelings for Ryder I freeze up, my muscles encased in a tomb of icicles as my head spits out the what-ifs.
What if I lose Brock?
What if I lose Ryder?
What if I never paid either of them any mind the day we all met?
None of us would be here, stuck in the unforgiving purgatory that is love.
“I came here to tell you I love you, Ryder,” I start, panic re-inundating my nerves to new heights as my voice cracks, fearing the outcome. “Because I honestly do. I love you so much, I don’t know who I am, if I ever did, without you. Can’t picture my life with you erased from it.”
He drags his eyes from the road and rests them on mine, a glitter of hope cascading over them as he reaches for my hand. “Then you’ll tell Brock? Let him know you wanna be with me instead of him?”
“That’s the point,” I whisper, chills prickling my skin despite the heat warming it. “I—I don’t know if I can pick just one of you. I need you both for different reasons. The truth is harsh, hurtful, but I can’t picture going on without either of you by my side.”
I know it’s selfish, know it’s most likely not an option. But I still need to try, my soul unable to choose between one part of my heart versus the other. Both men make up what’s vital to my well-being, each a necessity to my sanity, my survival.
Ryder veers off onto a shoulder, nearly losing control of the vehicle as he brings the car to a slippery stop. Hands gripping the steering wheel, he focuses straight ahead. “So you don’t need me the way you claim to?” he asks, his voice shaking with heartbreak, betrayal, as he yanks his hand away, choosing to crush it into the dashboard instead of the steering wheel this time. “I refuse to share you again with him, and if you think I ever will, you’re crazier than I thought!” Chest heaving, he drops his hands to the side, his head hung in regret as his tone simmers down. “Christ, peach, I need you to myself. Can’t you see that? Feel that? I loved you from the instant I set eyes on you, from the second you walked into that goddamn cafeteria–slash–dining hall, and nothing will ever change that. I need you. All of you. Your hurt, your wiseass mouth, your magic, your nightmares, your dreams, your happiness, your . . . future. I can live without the sun, but I can’t exist without you. That’s my point. My harsh fucking truth.” He brings his weary gaze to mine, fury resurfacing on his face as he stabs a finger against his temple. “Whether I was prepared for it or not, regardless if I wanted it, you’re here, stuck in my mind. Brock shared something so precious, so goddamn sweet and sacred, with someone else, auctioned it off for cheap because he figured that’s what he needed, what you needed! You didn’t need that. All you needed was me, and the asshole knew that, took advantage of it! If you were mine, someone’d have to fucking kill me before I ever shared you with anyone else! Jesus! You can’t have the both of us! Don’t you get that?”
“I know I can’t!” I blurt, recapturing his hand, tears falling from my eyes as his vicious words concerning Brock nearly crack my skull wide open. “And it’s not that at all! I need you more than anything!” I take a calming breath, hoping I can make him understand what I can’t even begin to. “I didn’t think my heart was capable of loving one man, let alone two, Ryder. There was never any room for love because it was beaten into my brain early on that it was something you fought to keep out, battled to ward off your heart from to keep it unharmed by the pain it inevitably causes in the end. God, I feared love. Feared what it would do to me. Feared I’d . . . turn it into the same thing my parents did.” I drop my head in shame, my attention honed in on our interlocked fingers.