Without a word, he unropes his hand from mine and gently touches my jaw, his expression a jigsaw puzzle of hurt, desperation, and confusion as I lift my watery eyes to his.
My heart splits, my tears falling faster as I try to grab a breath.
I want to take his pain away, demolish his confusion, and cure his desperation. But I can’t even help myself, the disease I am, the incurable cancer I’ll forever remain, simply created to kill off the hopes of all around me, wipe out the dreams of anyone who gets too close.
“I just need a little time, that’s all.” I sniffle, the look of despair coloring his face a noose around my neck as I pray that he’ll wait for me. “Time to make a clear decision. One I know is the right one for me, for all of us. I know choosing who I need and love the most should come simple, an automatic click in my brain. But it’s not for me. Before Brock, I’d never been in love, never felt what it was to need someone so badly you can’t think straight.” I lean over the console and seal my lips to his cheek, the sound of our heartbeats echoing through the car as I pull back, ashamed of what I’m asking of him. “Not only am I scared to death, but I’m confused, Ryder. I know I shouldn’t be, know that putting both of you in this position isn’t right, but I don’t know what else to do. So please, if you can, just give me a couple of days to get my head straight.”
He nods tightly, his face wounded beyond the scars I created, beyond anything I ever want to see again.
So selfish, toxic.
As he puts the car in drive, slowly easing onto the highway, I can’t help but wonder if I’ve already killed off his hopes, wiped out his dreams.
Unsure if I have, there’s one undeniable truth I can’t run from, one petrifying fact that’s about to change all of our lives: the hourglass is on the table, two beautiful hearts awaiting my decision . . .
CHAPTER 22
Brock
WALLS CLOSING IN around me, I feel like I’m gonna hurl, my entire universe crashing to pieces as I belt down 695 toward Ryder’s place, doing at least thirty over the speed limit.
Fuck the cops. Fuck Ryder. Fuck my parents. Fuck Brandon being gone.
Fuck . . . everything.
Hands curled tight around the steering wheel, Amber’s voice haunts my head, nausea roiling through me as our conversation from earlier sparks to life.
“We need to talk.” The panicked wariness in Amber’s tone causes my heart to jump as I claim a seat on my couch, already knowing what she’s about to say, able to feel it with every hesitant move she makes across my living room. She snatches a spot next to me, fear dilating her pupils as she takes my hand in hers. “It’s . . . important.”
“What’s important is me not knowing where the hell you’ve been all night,” I bite out, my anger seeping through my serpentine skin more than my relief that she’s okay, her beautiful face unharmed by Derick’s threats. “Why you decided to sneak past the guy I have watching after your safety. That’s what’s important to me right now.”
“You know you sound like a wannabe Don Corleone, right?” Amber ridicules through an exhausted sigh, her eyes puffed out like deep red bags of cotton candy as she hits me with one of her soft, caring smiles, gently guiding my head down onto her lap in her magical process.
She wins. I do sound like an overprotective douchebag, but that’s not the case in point. Amber chose to disobey my strict orders of not going anywhere without me or her lookout, without someone making sure Derick can’t get near her.
But, God, why do I feel so safe here, staring up into my angel’s eyes from below her? That’s because when I’m with Amber, I’m fucking Superman, sitting on top of the world, the ultimate untouchable force.
Still, for making me worry for several hours while I sat here calling and texting her, Amber not only deserves a punishing yet unforgettable fuck from yours truly, but the dick who was supposed to keep his eyes latched on hers is more than deserving of a severe ass-kicking, also courtesy of yours truly.
Whoever said I was a complete asshole was wrong. Less driving myself crazy over what Amber’s about to admit to, I’m feeling more than generous tonight.
Before I can crack a grin at her somewhat entertaining joke, Amber’s smile fades, transforming into something no boyfriend ever wants to witness . . .
. . . One huge I’m about to ream you a new ass frown, thick with a heavy dose of heart-damaging crying. Fuck me . . .
“Why’d you tell Ryder to stay away from me?” she questions over a hiccupped gulp of grief, tears pouncing from her eyes as she pets my hair. Considering she looks like she’s about to eat my balls for breakfast, the notion’s confusing. “I know everything, because Ryder admitted to everything. Admitted to loving me. Needing me. Wanting to be with me.” Crying surpassing the hysterically dangerous point, she lifts my head from her lap and inches away from me, her back hitting the corner of the couch, her arms hugging her knees as she stares at me, almost appearing . . . scared to death? Christ, what have I done to this girl? “You made him purposely . . . hurt me by telling him to ignore my calls and texts. Why? Why, baby? I don’t understand. You said you were okay with the three of us being together again. Why lie to me while telling him to back off?”
She said a lot, but the only words my brain pick up on is the part about Ryder admitting to . . . loving her. My heart explodes right there on the spot, regret for ever opening this can of worms crawling all over me.
I spark up a joint, praying a little green will help calm me down as I pull into Ryder’s neighborhood, seeking the asshole’s blood. The high does fuck all to chill me out, my best friend’s deception hitting bone-deep as I slide into a parking spot in front of his and Lee’s apartment. Boundaries. I never set them, leaving Ryder to step over what should’ve kept him and his feelings for Amber in check.