After I said that, she batted my hands away from her face and her eyes narrowed in anger. I took a step back, surprised at her reaction and wondering what I'd said to make her mad.
"No big deal?" she said quietly, a seething undercurrent to her tone.
Not sure what I was doing wrong, I cautiously said, "Yeah. It was just making out...no big deal." I shrugged and raised my arms slightly to the sides, hoping she'd get that I meant that.
Her face got even stormier and I suddenly got the impression that I was digging myself into an even deeper hole, I just wasn't sure why. Her finger suddenly came out to poke in my chest. I frowned at the movement and at her words. "Just when I think that you're different than all the other guys, you go and say something like that, and sound just like them."
I blinked, hopelessly confused. "Sawyer, I don't... What did I say wrong?"
She pulled her finger back, crossing her arms over her chest and looking away from me, towards the girl's locker room. Vague sounds of music and people laughing drifted from the other hallway to us, but I didn't currently care about the embarrassing debacle that had driven me out here not so long ago. I didn't even care about the odd exchange with Brittany. All I cared about was this woman before me, that seemed to be mad at me for some reason.
Not turning her head to look at me, she spoke in a tight, controlled voice. "Nothing. You said nothing wrong, Lucas. I was just wondering...if maybe you came in your shorts for her, too." She looked back at me then, her eyes angry, hurt and on the verge of tears. "I was just wondering if that was 'no big deal'."
Chapter 18
Me and My Big Mouth
I closed my eyes as icy comprehension flooded me. Oh, crap. She'd taken my words towards Brittany and correlated them to our intimate encounter. I hadn't caught the warning signs in time, and had stuck my foot in my mouth, or up my ass...or maybe both. I'd made it seem like fondling a woman's br**sts was as casual an encounter to me as shaking a woman's hand - meaningless, trivial and mundane. But what Sawyer and I had done together, that moment couldn't have been farther away from those words.
I heard her sniffle and choke back tears and then I felt the velvet of her dress brush against me as she stormed past. I opened my eyes and grabbed for her elbow, but she pulled away and turned the corner, out of my sight.
"Shit. Sawyer, wait," I called after her as I sprinted to catch up.
Turning the corner, I glanced at the far end where kids were still loitering around the bathrooms. Sawyer was only a step or two in front of me, so I caught up easily, running around in front of her to make her stop. She paused well before touching me and made a move to the right, which I blocked. She tried the left and I blocked that as well. As I repeatedly asked her to stop, she finally sighed and stood still, looking up at my face.
I swallowed when I saw the slightly black tear streaks down her cheeks. I reached out to wipe one away. "I knew you were mad at me for that. I knew you were more upset than you let on."
She pulled away from me, swiping her fingers under her eyes to dry her own cheeks. "Of course I'm upset, Lucas. I want to be with you. But I don't know what you want." I tried to touch her again but she brushed my hands away. Her cheeks flushed as her voice trembled. "You think I'm pretty, and I obviously turn you on." She gestured at my pants and I felt heat and embarrassment creep through me as she continued. "But you won't be with me." She raised her hand to indicate where Brittany had disappeared down the hallway. "And now I know why."
She lifted her chin, trying to look strong, but it trembled and at that moment she looked more like a heartbroken little girl than the wise woman I was used to seeing. While her next words brought more tears from her eyes, they broke my heart. "It obviously didn't mean to you what it meant to me. You obviously don't feel the same as me. I was obviously 'no big deal'."
Her tears released and I couldn't take it. I grabbed her and held her tight to me. She struggled for a moment against my embrace and then stopped, sagging against me. "No, Sawyer. I promise it wasn't like that...not with you."
I felt a light sob in her body as I pressed against her and I had to swallow my own tears at hurting her. Wasn't I just vowing to protect her from all the jerks and a**holes of the world? Who knew I'd be the biggest one.
"No, I was just a release for you because you were having a bad day - that's all I've ever been to you," she cried into my shoulder.
I held her head to me and kissed the top of it. "No, no that's not true...well, it is true but that's not-"
Her head broke away from my grasp as she pulled back to look at me. "It is true?"
Her freshly re-streaked face tore me and my hands came up to brush the black, smudgy tears aside, trying to fix her beautiful makeup. "You and I are nothing like what Brittany and I were." I grabbed her cheeks again, making her keep eye contact with me when she tried to turn away. Swallowing, I let my heart pour out - not conscious of my words, only needing her to know how I felt about her. "It's true that I find comfort in you, Sawyer. So much comfort...if you only understood how much. But it's more than just peace that I find in you...I care for you. You mean so much to me. You mean everything to me. I like you. Really, I do like you."
She pulled back from me, grabbing my wrists and lowering my hands from her face. Slightly shaking her head, her brow furrowing in puzzlement, she softly said, "You like me?" Confusion swept through me, but before I could ask her why she questioned my statement, she clarified. "You tell me that you love me...again, and then you kiss me...again."
I looked away when I realized that in pouring out my feelings for her, I'd understated them. I'd told her on several occasions that I loved her, the most recent a few moments ago on the dance floor. But now, here, when it really mattered, I switched it to "like". I could see how that was confusing. Hell, it was confusing to me and I'm the one that said it. "Sawyer..."
She interrupted me, ducking down to meet my wandering gaze. "And I can see it your eyes that you mean it, and that you're not talking about the friendship kind of love either. But then you pull back, and I don't understand why." I gazed at her helplessly, not sure what I could possibly say to make her understand. She still held my wrists in her hands, almost like she was trapping me. And I did sort of feel that way, trapped by both her body and her words.
But then she switched her grip so our fingers laced together. Still standing a good foot apart from me, she shook her head and whispered over the sounds coming from the busy end of the hall, "I know you've been through a lot, Lucas, and I try to not take it personally when you pull away, but I'm confused." She shook her head more, the loose strands of her messy up-do brushing across her shoulders. "I don't know what you want from me or even how you really feel about me." She shrugged her shoulders and spoke the words that I didn't know how to fix. "You're confusing me."
"Sawyer, I..." I had nowhere to go with that sentence and let it die between us.
She looked at me expectantly, her eyes flicking between mine, almost willing me to tell her why we weren't together. I wished I could. But how could I explain why there could only be friendship between us? Especially when I pushed the limits of that friendship so often.
In my silence, she came up with her own excuse, one that tore me. "Are you using me? Just like that a**hole at my old school?"
That jerked me out of my turmoil as a surge of anger sliced through me. How could she compare me to that lowlife? I'd never hurt her like that. The anger spike died down when I realized that I did hurt her. Maybe unintentionally, and maybe not as directly as her jerk-off ex, but I did hurt her. Tenderly, I brought one of our laced-together hands up to stroke the back of her cheek. "No, Sawyer, never."
She swallowed and took a step towards me, closing the distance considerably. "If you're not using me, then why do you pull away? If you like me, then why can't we be together?"
Her lips trembled when she spoke, and another tear dropped to her cheek. I think it was that tear that finally broke me. I felt my own eyes water as I felt the horrid words rising in my throat. The words that I knew would hurt her and confuse her even more. The words that I knew would hurt me and confuse me even more. The words that I knew would make me sound like a lunatic and forever change her opinion of me. They were coming though...it was too late to hold them back, much like the tear rolling down my own cheek.
"Because I'm cheating on Lillian, and I can't let that happen anymore." A light cry escaped me and I swallowed harshly to hold it inside.
Sawyer's mouth dropped open as confusion clearly showed in the crease of her forehead. Her tone was low and flat when she spoke. "What? What do you mean?"
Feeling her pull away from me, even though she wasn't, I dropped her hands and grabbed her forearms, my fingers digging into the soft velvet encasing them. "I'm sorry, but I'm in love with Lil. I don't want to hurt her anymore. Either of you."
She stepped back from me, her eyes searching my face, confusion still clear on her features as she tried to understand what I was telling her. I wanted to rewind the conversation. I wanted to rewind the night. I'd never have kissed her on the dance floor. I'd never mislead her again, and then none of this would be happening right now. Then she wouldn't be looking at me like I was damaged. Then I'd never have to hear the next words she spoke to me.
"You're saying that in the present tense. She's gone, Lucas. You know that...right?"
Feeling more horrid tears slide down my skin, I nodded and took a step towards her. Even though she stayed where she was, I felt her pull farther away. "I know. I do know that, but I still love her." My words came out faster as I watched her face get even more confused. "I dream about Lillian, about what it was like to be together and it feels...just like it used to be. I've found a way to still be with her." My eyes searched hers, frantically, willing her to understand. "Don't you see? It's not that I don't want to be with you - it's that I'm still with her. She's still my girlfriend."
Her face took on a look of incredulity and concern, and I hated seeing it. "But...that's crazy, Luc. That's not real."
Desperation crept into my voice at the thought of her looking at me differently from now on. "It feels real." I shook my head as my hands tightened their grip on her arms. "Who's to say what's more real, if life and dreams feel the same?"
Her hands came up to grab my face. Her grip was tight too. "You can't think like that. You can't live like that."
I smiled, and it felt odd for me to do so, but I wanted her to see that I liked my dream life and I wanted to keep it. "I do think that." Her thumbs started stroking my face, the metal of her ring feeling cool against my tear-streaked cheeks. I shook my head and felt my odd smile getting wider; I probably looked as crazy as I sounded. "I've found a way to spend time with her again, with all of them. I almost always know it's a dream now and I can almost control them. I'm getting really good at it, well, better anyway, but I think with more time I'll be good."
She looked about to protest, her face a mask of concern now, but I beat her to it. "No, I know what you're going to say, but you're wrong. I can live this way. I can try. I have to - it's better than anything out there." I nodded my head over to the rowdy laughter I could hear building on the other side of the hallway from where we were standing.