She was irritated too, but I saw the fear behind it. I saw the abject terror brimming behind her watery eyes. "What are you doing?" Her voice was forced, like she had really wanted to yell that at me.
I stood up and put a hand on her shoulder. She pulled back from me, trying to keep her glare, trying to hold onto her anger, so she wouldn't break down. I completely understood that feeling. I'd done it myself only moments ago. Checking my emotions, I was a little surprised that both my anger and my fear had dissolved. I felt nothing but peace. I hoped Sawyer would understand why I had to do this...she really was the best thing I had here, but I couldn't stay. I wasn't meant to.
"Sawyer...I have to do this. Please, try and understand." My voice was as calm and peaceful as I felt, but Sawyer only gaped at me, looking hopelessly confused and scared. I brought my hand to her cheek, her tears falling now.
My mother broke out in a sob and jabbed her finger at Sawyer. "I'm calling Sheriff Whitney! Do NOT let him leave until Neil gets here, Sawyer!" She turned and dashed into the house, and I knew the timer on how long I had to leave had just been set. I could fight off Sawyer and my mom...but the sheriff?
"Lucas..." she muttered, her hand coming up to my chest, clutching at my stained dress shirt. I remembered then that I was still dressed nice and a small smile touched my mouth. Fitting. I should be dressed nice for this occasion. It was sort of a special day. At least I'd looked good when I saw Lil again. Now I sort of wished I'd gone with a tie after all.
Sawyer frowned at my smile and I lightly shook my head, resting it against hers. With as much conviction as I could, I whispered, "I finally understand. It hurts so much. Life...it hurts so much. I don't feel like I belong in it. Ever since the crash, I haven't felt like I should be here and now I know why." I pulled back to look at her, the pain in her eyes making me ache, but not changing my resolve. No matter what, I had to right this wrong. I had to set life back on its correct course.
"Luc...I don't understand. You're just where you're supposed to be..." A sob escaped her and I clutched her close to me, shifting us, so she was facing the car and I was free from it. Her hands went up to my cheeks as our heads stayed pressed against each other. I closed my eyes. I would miss her, so much, but she was better off with someone else anyway, someone completely a part of this world.
"No, Sawyer. Life, God, fate...I don't know, but someone made a mistake, and I was never supposed to have survived that crash. That's why my dreams feel so real, that's why I'm so drawn to them. I'm supposed to be with them, with Lillian."
Rain started falling then, and not the soft, gentle rain of a spring storm. No, the heavy, hard rain of a winter onslaught. The drops around us were huge and plentiful, and within seconds, the tops of our shirts were drenched. I inwardly smiled at how similar this rain was to that fateful night. It was like the universe understood my intent, and was helping me to fix its mistake. Even more peace and self assurance went through me. This was right...this was meant to be.
She tilted her head and eyed me cautiously, the rain dripping down her face, only highlighting those wide, worried, slightly almond eyes. "What are you saying, Lucas?" One of her hands dropped from my cheek and trailed down my arm, the arm with the hand currently death-gripping the car key.
Knowing my time was almost up, and knowing Sawyer was about to make her move to stop me, I leaned forward and brought my lips to hers, giving her the one last thing I could, even though she deserved so much better. Her hand came back up to my face as our mouths moved together. She held me close and a sob escaped her. I tasted tears along with the natural sweet taste of her, as the rain mixed the two liquids and washed over our bodies. I knew she could feel the goodbye in my kiss, I felt it too. I knew this would be it for us, and I prayed that the next few months for her weren't too painful. I never wanted to hurt her...and that's all I ever seemed to do. Yet another reason she was better off without me.
Mentally steeling myself, I did something I wasn't proud of, but it needed to be done...for her sake. She needed to let me go. She needed a better life, with a better man. That thought echoing in my head, I brought my hands up to her shoulders and shoved her back, hard. Shock was on her face as she hit the side of her car, missing the hood and falling heavily to the hard ground. I didn't stay to make sure she was okay, I didn't have time. I dashed around to the driver's side door and once inside, immediately locked it and then stretched over to the passenger's side, locking it as well.
As I sat up, Sawyer was standing at the driver's door, tears streaming along with the rain. She clutched at the door handle frantically, screaming my name. I put my hand on the glass and stared at her remorsefully. I regretted ever causing this beautiful woman pain and I hoped she knew that. I hoped she knew how I felt about her, that she knew she was the only thing that had brightened my life over the past few months, and that I did indeed love her. I still had to do this though...
She put her hand on the glass, flexing her fingers like she was trying to lace our hands together through the cold, wet barrier. I removed my hand and, out of habit, buckled my seatbelt. I paused with the key just touching the ignition, a brief moment of fear, mixed with determination and anticipation, coursing through me. It settled into peace almost instantly. This was right...I had no reason to fear it. Her eyes widened as she watched my fingers insert the keys and then she started pounding on the glass, maybe trying to break through the door.
"What are you gonna do, Luc?" she yelled at me, her face frantic.
I stared at her terrified eyes for a brief moment before answering her. "I'm only fixing a mistake." I turned the keys and started the car, never taking my eyes from Sawyer.
Her hands pounded ruthlessly on the glass as the engine roared to life; I was sure she'd have bruises tomorrow. "What are you gonna do?" she yelled again, the tears welling in her eyes almost indistinguishable from the heavy drops falling around her.
A moment of grief welled in me, she was the only one I'd truly miss, the only one that had never let me down. No, all of the letting down in our relationship had come from me. 'I'm sorry', I mouthed to her.
She shook her head, muttering, "No, please...don't." From the corner of my eye, I saw the front door of my house open and knew my mom was soon to be flying down the stairs and throwing herself on top of the car if need be. I didn't want that.
I slammed the car into reverse, peeling out of the wet driveway in my haste. My mom ran to the spot I'd just been, screaming at me. Sawyer covered her mouth with her hands, shaking her head in horror. And then I took off, leaving them both in the driveway, in a downpour, looking terrified and distraught. I felt bad for the fear they had, and for the pain I knew they'd both go through once I'd finished this, but I had to finish it. I was never supposed to have survived that crash. That's why life had been so hard and my dreams had felt more real to me. I wasn't supposed to be here. One day, I was sure they'd both see that.
I drove more steadily than I'd ever believed I could. The rain sheeted down my windshield as I flew out of the city limits, out onto that fateful highway. The onslaught brought on memories of that night. They tumbled through my brain, one after another, each one only solidifying my decision - I was never supposed to have survived. I saw that now. The tiny disco ball on Sawyer's rearview mirror gently swung back and forth, like it was agreeing with my conclusion.
I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find the same exact spot in the road where I'd gone over the rail, it had been dark and pouring that night, but then, like a flaming neon sign, the bend came into focus. It seemed to glow to me. Faint, black lines on the asphalt from Darren's Geo were suddenly huge landing lights, showing me exactly where I needed to go over the edge, the exact point of contact, highlighted by a makeshift memorial that some of the kids at school must have created. It was supposed to be honorary, for the lives lost, but it was about to be a bull's-eye for another life, that needed to be lost.
As I drove past the bend, I could see that the weakened guard rail that I'd busted through the first time had been replaced. It looked strong and sturdy now. But I was no longer in a cheap, Styrofoam beginner's car. I was in a revved up muscle car and given enough speed, I'd slice through that metal like butter. And this time, my goal was speed. This time, brakes were the last thing on my mind.
I turned the car around so I could approach the bend from the same direction I had that night. I wanted everything to be the same, I wanted to perfectly recreate that moment - set the timeline straight. If I could have, I'd of stayed out here until nightfall, so it would be just as dark as the first time. I didn't have that kind of time though. Either my mom, Sawyer or the sheriff would find me before then. I would just have to settle for the hazy, gray overcast light of this rainy morning. Oh well, it helped me see exactly where I needed to go anyway.
I stopped the car a half mile from the bend and stared at it. My demon. It was like staring down at the darkest part of myself. This is where my life had turned one eighty. This is where my life had ended. This is where my life would end. I unbuckled my seat belt.
This time...it would end.
Chapter 21
Back to the Beginning
Moments passed as I stared at the metal railing barring me from my fate. I felt nothing inside of me but conviction, a cold resolve that everything would be better after I went through with this. I'd be truly reunited with my friends. Sawyer would be freed from her mothering need to take care of me. Free to find a satisfying relationship with someone who could love her the way she deserved to be loved; I hoped, whoever he was, he fully appreciated the amazing woman in his arms. And my mother could live out her years with Sheriff Whitney...Neil. With their secret already out, they could be more open with each other. And without me around to worry about and stress over, she could fully and completely love him. It made me smile that my mom wouldn't be alone.
I revved the engine a few times as rain splattered on the empty stretch of roadway, soaking it. No one had passed me or come up behind me as I sat, stopped, in the middle of my lane. It was still early in the morning and this road was little traveled anyway. The familiar, soothing scent of lemons washed over me and I inhaled deep, glad that this calming scent would be the last thing I took with me. The wipers swished noisily back and forth and I tore my eyes from the guard rail to watch their rapid movement, taking in every minute detail of my last moments on Earth.
I wasn't worried about the pain. I would take whatever I had to take, to get my end result. Whatever mortal pain was necessary to transfer from this state to the next. Any physical pain could hardly compare to my months of emotional pain anyway. What were shattered bones and bleeding cuts compared to your heart being torn and shredded into thousands of pieces? Nothing...absolutely nothing.
A song on one of Sawyer's chick rock CDs (that I actually secretly liked) came on, and I turned it up. Ironically, it was a song about surviving a suicide attempt. I didn't like to think that what I was doing was suicide - I was merely fixing a mistake, but I suppose that's not what my official death record would say. The town would run rampant with rumors of how I'd driven off and dramatically taken my own life.