A horrid, silent tension built in the room as everyone looked at me, waiting for my reaction. Feeling numb, I could only stare at my mom blankly. Not knowing what else to comment on, I picked the one thing that seemed the most irrelevant. "He's so much older than you, Mom...like fifteen or twenty years."
She blushed and looked down at the cushion separating us. "I know, Luc. That doesn't matter to me." She looked back up at me and whispered, "I love him."
I shook my head and looked down to Sawyer, who was looking up at me with wet, concerned eyes. I stroked her back while I thought of my mom getting it on with a man who could almost be my grandfather. It wasn't a pleasant thought and it did nothing for my stomach. I could barely believe that this was reality. It felt like life was the dream, the nightmare. The one person who had been my example of morality my entire life, was having an affair with a married man. It blew my mind. I knew my dad was a louse, but my mom... ? Maybe I'd put her on a pedestal, but up until know she'd deserved one. Up until now, she'd been a Saint.
I looked back over at her. "It's like I don't even know you..." I whispered.
Her eyes were pained as she softly sobbed my name. "Lucas..."
I shook my head, ignoring the ache in my heart, concentrating on the fire. "What about his wife? How could you do that to her?" My brows bunched together as I pictured the sheriff's gray-haired spouse, home alone, watching the windows and waiting for her faithful public servant to return to her. I wondered if she knew that her public servant was routinely "protecting and serving" my mother.
My mother sniffed and met my eye. "I'm not proud of this, Lucas, and we certainly didn't plan to fall in love..." She shook her head as another tear fell to her cheek. "It doesn't excuse it...but his wife has been really sick for years. He takes care of her the best he can, but there hasn't been anything between them for a long time." Her eyes gave me that pleading look again.
I narrowed my eyes at her, shaking my head. "They're still married, Mom. He should divorce her if he wants to be with you."
She sighed. "It's not that simple, Luc. He does love her...in a way, and she's very frail." She shook her head, a clearly adoring look washing over her. "He doesn't want to risk her health by turning her world upside down. We keep it quiet and discreet, so she can live out whatever life she has left in peace."
I gave her a blank stare. "Oh. My. God. You're one of them." She blinked at me, cocking her head. I gestured a hand at her disdainfully. "You're one of those women that believes everything the philanderer says...because he 'loves' them, and surely he'll eventually leave his wife." I couldn't even hide the contempt leaking into my voice and Sawyer tightened a hand on my knee. "Don't tell me you seriously believe that line?"
My mom's gaping mouth shifted from Sawyer, to me, and then back to Sawyer. Finally she looked up at me and sputtered, "It's not a line. He does...he does love me. He's been good to me." Her eyes hardened as they swept over my face. "And very few men in this world have been good to me!"
I turned away from her clear reference to my long absent father. His leaving had scarred my mom in ways I probably couldn't imagine. Although, with how my chest still felt like the insides had been scooped out with a dull spoon, I was more and more beginning to understand the pain of being abandoned.
Seeing my reaction to her words she whispered, "He's a good man, Lucas...maybe you could give him a chance?"
My head snapped back to her. "Oh yeah, a real shining example." Even as I said it, I could feel the hypocrisy in my words. Was I really getting after a man for cheating on his significant other? Hadn't I done the same? Hadn't I betrayed Lil by making out with Sawyer? Sure, we hadn't technically had sex, but it was one of the most intimate moments of my life...and I'd hurt someone I loved by doing it. Who was I to condemn the sheriff? Or my mom...
I closed my eyes as thoughts of Lillian swarmed through me.
"We can't be together..."
I felt the despair creeping back, my eyes starting to sting, and frantically grabbed at the lingering fire in my system - anything to hold back the crushing pain. My mother's irritated voice helped stoke that fire, and I reopened my eyes to find her nearly glaring at me. "I don't expect you to understand...you are only a child. But someday, you might."
I bristled at her condescending use of the word 'child' and felt my hand clench the fabric of Sawyer's shirt. Her hand came up to stroke my arm in response and I relaxed my grip, never taking my eyes off my mom's.
Her face softened as she slumped into the couch. "Where did you hear about it?"
Keeping my voice flat, I told her, "At the dance. People know...they all know..." I wasn't actually sure how widespread the rumor was, but it sure explained why people didn't believe I was innocent. They believed my mom's lover had covered it up...they just hadn't had any proof.
She closed her eyes. "Oh god..."
I looked over the defeat on her face, and thought about how the town viewed me, how Josh viewed me - a monster, a horrid creature, that had slain my friends and walked away with absolutely no consequences. Staring straight ahead of me, I whispered, "Are you why I didn't get in trouble?"
I heard her answer me but didn't look over, instead keeping my eyes focused on the empty space on the wall above the television set, a spot that used to hold pictures of my friends and I, before Mom had taken them all down. "Oh, Luc...you tested clean at the hospital..."
I finally did look over at her. She was worrying her lip and searching my eyes. Her small hands were clasping each other so tight, they were nearly white. "There were a half-dozen things he could have charged me for." I shrugged my shoulders, irritated and pained at talking about that night. "We had an open beer in the car, Mom. He should have given me a MIP at the very least, reckless driving at the most, or even, I don't know, manslaughter." I shook my head.
Her gaze turned sympathetic and she stretched her arm across the space between us to touch my shoulder. I made myself not pull away. "Lucas...you just lost your friends, he didn't feel like he needed to punish you even more."
Then I did pull away, giving her an exasperated look. "Mom?"
She let her hand drop to the couch and she hung her head. Sawyer squeezed my knee again as my mom whispered, "I don't know, Luc...maybe." She looked up, more tears falling from her eyes. "I didn't ask him to."
So there it was. I wasn't being punished for my horrific crime because my mom was spreading her legs. A part of my brain knew I wasn't being fair, a part of my brain knew I was oversimplifying things, but the fire in my stomach pushed all those rational thoughts aside. My despair crept up my chest to merge with that fire shooting through my veins.
"I murdered all my friends and got away with it because of you!" I heard my mom and Sawyer start to object to the word "murder", but I cut them off, "No wonder everyone hates me!" Rage, fear, panic and depression, flooded all of my senses, and I stood up and turned to face them on the couch, feeling like nothing was real anymore. I glared over at my mom. "It wasn't supposed to happen that way!"
Sawyer stood and placed her hand on my chest, begging me to calm down. My mom stood and put a hand on my arm, her eyes begging for me to relax as well. "I know, Lucas...none of it was supposed to happen."
I took a step away from both of them, running my hands through my hair. I felt like I was going to explode. Everything I knew was falling apart. I hated this...I hated life. I wanted my dream life again, but even that was gone from me now. Everything was gone...
"We can't be together...while you're still alive..."
That was when my brain snapped. I swear, I felt the exact moment that some neuron misfired and a section of my head imploded, as the emotional strain heaped upon it finally broke me. It was a profoundly intense experience for me, and in that moment of breakage, a moment of clarity hit me. Words from my counselor that had been nipping away at my subconscious suddenly bloomed into life right before my eyes. They mixed with Lillian's last fateful words and suddenly, I understood what I'd been trying to grasp. Suddenly, I knew exactly why everything in my life was such a challenge - why everything was so hard.
"Do you think life ever makes mistakes?"
"Sure, all the time. Some people live who shouldn't...and even more people die who shouldn't."
I knew Mrs. Ryans had meant to stress the latter half of that sentence, but it was the first half that had plagued my brain. It was the first half that now made perfect sense to me when put in combination with Lillian's words. Of course, it was all so obvious now. Some people live who shouldn't. I was never meant to have survived that crash. Life had made a mistake.
One that I could fix.
Letting my hands fall to my sides, I looked from one woman to the other. Clarity and determination filled me. I could fix this. I could correct life's mistake. I could find peace. Fixing my gaze on my mom, I calmly told her, "No...my living wasn't supposed to happen. I was never supposed to have survived."
Her mouth dropped, her face going whiter than it had all morning, and she sputtered for words. I didn't let her find any. I immediately turned to Sawyer, thrust my hand into her jeans pocket and wrapped my fingers around her car keys. Before she could react, I jerked my hand out of her pocket, told her I was sorry, and bolted for the front door.
I heard both of them tell me to wait as I jerked the door open. I heard the tension and concern in their voices and I heard a long sob as the door slammed shut behind me. But it didn't matter, it was too late. An error had been made, a grievous one, and I couldn't let it go unresolved.
It all made sense now. Why I couldn't fit in at school. Why I could barely talk to anyone, save Sawyer. Why at times, I barely even felt human anymore. I'd survived something I wasn't meant to. I actually had died that day in the ravine. My soul, my spirit, my life-force - whatever you want to call it, had moved on, but somehow, my body had walked away. I'd been drifting aimlessly, torn between the two worlds. I'd tried to fill the void in my life by recreating my friends in a dreamscape, but that was only a patch, and they were right anyway. I couldn't continue on like that. I needed to fix what life had messed up. I needed to be with them...fully.
"We can't be together...while you're still alive..."
Soon Lil...very soon...
I scrambled down the front steps, flipping the keys for the one that looked like a car key. I found it and clutched it hard, feeling the unforgiving metal bite into my skin. I opened an unlocked car door and blinked when I realized I'd automatically opened the passenger's side. I'd been so used to not driving, that it was now going to have to be a conscious decision to do it. I swallowed and stared at the steering wheel. Of everything I was going to do today, this would probably be the easiest. My heart still spiked though.
I slammed shut the door and turned to sprint to the other side. That's when Sawyer caught up to me. She slammed into my body, knocking both of my shoulders back until I sat down onto the hood of the car. My mom stood a few paces behind her, fear in her eyes and tears on her cheeks. I startled at my new position and looked up at Sawyer, kind of irritated.