“Alex went away and then there was not much communication and now he’s dead and Nanette doesn’t know what to do with that.”
“I’m not sure I can help you with—”
“What did you do?”
“You mean”—he looks down at the black ribbon—“oh. Well, I cried a lot. I punched holes in the walls of my home. My wife and I went into counseling. Tied a black ribbon around my left thumb. Decided to become a police officer, like I told you before. But none of it was that simple. You can’t always put these things into words.”
“Doing all that made it okay?”
“Made what okay?”
“Your son’s death.”
“I wouldn’t say it made it okay.”
“Then what would you say?”
“It helped. I decided to turn the negatives into positives. As many as I could, anyway. Negatives produce more negatives, and I’d had enough of negative. I was drowning in negativity.”
“So that’s what Nanette should do now that Alex is dead? Turn the negatives into positives?”
“Maybe you should be talking to a counselor, too?”
“Yes, Nanette is already in therapy.”
“I hope this won’t come off sounding harsh, but I’m not sure what you want from me,” he says. “What can I do for you? Really?”
“Do you think Nanette should tie something around her thumb?”
He swallows once and then says, “If you have something you want to remember, maybe you should. It’s a good way to start a conversation. It draws attention.”
“A form of rebellion.”
“Yes, I guess it is.”
“You won’t let the world forget.”
Officer Damon nods and says, “The pain lessens with time. You don’t believe it at first, but—”
“Nanette is not in all that much pain regarding Alex’s death. She is just sort of confused and lost.”
Officer Damon rubs the black ribbon. “Well, for us it was helpful to promote understanding. We went to the jail and met with the man who killed our son. Realized how sick he was, and still is. We asked him questions. Faced our demons. We volunteered places. Now I tell our story to parents of elementary school kids and run programs that make sure kids are instructed on what they should do if someone they don’t know tries to pick them up. We’ve attempted to take the tragedy and flip it around.”
“Flip it around?”
“Yeah, for lack of a better saying. Flip it around. It’s not easy, but it can be done.”
“Didn’t you just want to quit? Give up?”
“I drank a lot for a while. But over time, we managed to battle. It was an epic battle. That’s life, I guess.”
“Why don’t they tell kids that in school? That life is so hard.”
“Everyone hopes it will be easier for kids. Maybe the goal in America is to have an easy life, and so we find it too disgraceful to tell the truth. I meet a lot of people in my line of work, and I can say with utmost certainty—life is pretty hard for almost all of them.”
Nanette looks at the cop for a long time and then she says, “Thanks for being nice to Alex.”
“I was just doing my job.”
“Bullshit. That ice queen, Cheryl, behind the glass in there is just doing her job. You went above and beyond. It means something.”
He looks at his shoes and then says, “Can I do anything else for you?”
“Nanette might need some legal advice.”
“I’m not a lawyer.”
“Alex, he gave Nanette a bunch of poems on Christmas. One was about how he liked to climb out his window up to the roof, and he implied that maybe he didn’t want to be around anymore. He called himself ‘expendable.’ I didn’t report the poem and that’s how he died. Climbing up to the roof. He fell. So is it Nanette’s fault? Maybe she could have reported his dangerous behavior? To the school? His father?”
“You are definitely not responsible for Alex’s death. You’re just a kid.”
Nanette exhales. “So Nanette isn’t legally culpable?”
“No. Not at all. Have you talked to your therapist about all this?”
Nanette nods.
“What does he say?”
“She says the same thing you just did. I wanted a second opinion. From someone my parents aren’t paying.”
“I understand.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
Nanette doesn’t have the emotional energy to say anything else or even look at this kind cop again.
If someone had abducted her son and killed him, she’s not sure she could be as friendly and nice as Officer Damon is, which makes her feel shitty about herself, even though she realizes she should just be appreciating his kindness. And that makes her feel even worse.
How do you turn tragedy into something positive?
She doesn’t know what to do next.
What should she do?
Nanette turns and walks away.
28
To Side with the Antigones of the World and Never the Creons
Nanette Googles Alex’s reform school and finds an e-mail address for the teacher he mentioned in the letter: Mr. Harlow. She e-mails, and they schedule a phone conversation.
NANETTE: Thanks for speaking with Nanette.
MR. HARLOW: I’m sorry for your loss. Alex was . . . I liked him. A lot. He was an enthusiastic learner.
NANETTE: Alex’s father gave Nanette a letter. They found it on Alex’s body. It said he had made an arrangement with you. That you would send her a letter if he did well on a philosophy test. He said he wrote an essay about Nanette.