Ethan, if you are up there...a little help? Please?
Walking into my bedroom, I flopped down on my bed just in time to pick up my ringing cell phone which was currently blaring “Milkshake” by Kelis. God, I hated that song.
Leah.
She had an obsession with ringtones. Or maybe she just liked to mess with me. She periodically stole my phone and programmed a new default ringtone, knowing full well I had no idea how to change it. She would wait patiently, like a lioness waiting for prey, until I would call her bitching about how my phone rang in the middle of the grocery store blaring “Sexy and I Know It”, or “Don’t Cha Wish your Girlfriend was Hot Like Me?” by the Pussycat Dolls in the middle of a preschool play. Leah found it hilarious. Me? Not so much. When my phone started singing “Baby” by Justin Beiber in the gynecologist’s office, I almost killed her. She kept that particular one programmed for weeks, slowly driving me insane. I really needed to learn how to use my cellphone.
"Hi Leah, she's doing much better," I answered.
"Oh, thank God. Thank you for taking care of my precious goddaughter tonight. I’ve been worried,” she said. She always played up her godmother role, like she was a queen or something.
“Well, now you can calm down. She’s asleep. Well, for the next hour at least.”
Leah’s always been like a sister to me and she loves my daughter like an aunt. I fear what she and Maddie might do together when she gets older. I may have to set ground rules. No rock concerts with Aunt Leah.
“Do you like your new ringtone?" she jeered.
"You're just lucky I answered in the first place. After tonight, I’m seriously driving all the way downtown if I need an ER. That had to be the most embarrassing moment of my life.”
Dr. Matthews knew exactly who I was talking about the minute he walked into that room. The over confident grin he’d briefly flashed before examining Maddie said so.
"Why? Because he heard you say he was hot? Well, duh. He is. It's not like he doesn't know it," she said, like it was no big deal.
"Oh God and the comment about how long it'd been. Jesus, he must think I'm a nun...or a prude," I whined, finding a comfortable position on the bed. I absentmindedly twisted a dark red curl around my finger.
Wait, aren't those the same things?"
"Shut up, not funny."
"Okay, like I was saying before we were interrupted by the very topic of our conversation. Dr. Matthews is single, and you are single...oil, gears...etc.”
Wow. Subtle, Leah.
"And as I told you earlier, I have no idea why you are telling me this."
"Clare, sweetie. It's been over three years. I'm not saying go find a new husband. But at least think about the possibility of getting back out there and having a little fun,” she said gently.
"Fun? I have fun," I fired back defensively.
"I mean the adult version of fun. The horizontal kind you do with the opposite sex."
Oh. Right. I'd forgotten about that kind of fun.
"I just don't know if I'm ready, Leah," I huffed into the phone.
"Sweetie, you'll never know if you don't try. What better person to test drive than a super sexy doctor?" Leah cajoled.
"Maybe you should take your own advice? When was the last time you went out on a date?” I asked, knowing full well the answer. It had been months.
Leah had been in a long term relationship with a guy named Daniel. They were getting pretty serious and everyone expected him to propose. Then Ethan got sick and she did what any best friend would do. She dropped everything and helped me run my life for the next year. She was there for me every step of the way. When I needed a babysitter while we went to doctor’s appointments, chemo treatments and counseling sessions, she was there. She picked up groceries, paid bills, and held me when I cried. She was my rock. But unfortunately, Daniel was not as understanding. He left, saying she cared more about me than him. It devastated her, and I've felt guilty ever since. She's told me over and over that it obviously wasn't meant to be, and I agree, but the guilt remains. Ever since Daniel, her dating life has been minimal.
"We're not talking about me," she answered, changing the subject.
“We're talking about you and hot doctors. I could get his number for you. You could call and say you had a question about Maddie. No, wait! You could ask for a house call!"
“Oh my God. You’re insane. And no. You are not breaking into hospital records to get a phone number for me,” I said. I took a deep breath, knowing full well she was not going to give up.
"I need some time. Give me a few days. Maybe we can go bar hopping or something, but I don’t need to be set up with a billionaire doctor to get my mojo going again.”
"All right, but I expect you to get some phone numbers when we go barhopping. No hiding in the corner booth. I still think hot doctor is the way to go. It would definitely be my pick. Yum,” she said, in a dreamy voice.
I allowed myself one last fleeting memory of the moment I’d shared with the doctor today. Had I shared a moment with him, or was it just an indication that I needed to move on. Could I?
"It's time, Clare," Leah said, just as the one hour alarm went off saving me from further discussion on my love life, or lack thereof.
“I’ve got to go wake up our sleeping beauty.”
“Better you than me. That girl is a bear when she’s sleepy,” she joked.
“No kidding. Just like her godmother.”
After waking a very sleepy and unhappy Maddie and returning her back to bed, I readied myself for sleep. I finally eased into bed after a day that seemed like it would never end. Running my hands over the soft sheets, I tried to remember what it was like to have Ethan here beside me. It seemed like a lifetime ago that he and I were here together in this place, and yet I can still remember the exact color of his eyes, and the way he smelled after a shower when I lay in his arms. My eyes traveled over the room we’d decorated so long ago. We spent forever picking out the exact shade of gray, and the perfect furniture. The first year of our marriage was spent making this house our home. And now it was just me, raising our daughter, alone.
I can’t help but think what today would have been like with him by my side. What it would have felt like to have someone there, holding my hand? Holding Maddie’s hand, and assuring us everything would be fine.
My fingers reached toward the nightstand drawer next to the bed, pulling out the envelope I’d held so many times before. Still sealed, with worn edges from constantly being held, I brought it to my nose, hoping there would still be a faint whiff of his cologne, but knowing full well there wasn’t.