What would I tell the doctor?
I’m the reason my child isn’t alive. I left my fiancé, and now, I can’t walk down the street without crying.
Who would feel bad for me?
Eventually, the tears had started to ebb, and I’d found the strength to attend classes. School had become my obsession and coping mechanism. I’d paid for every single semester. Thanks to a generous scholarship from a small college out west and many student loans, I’d made it on my own. I had been done living under my mother’s authority.
But it hadn’t changed what had already happened. Bottling up feelings doesn’t make them go away. You can’t hide from your past—it always eventually finds you.
I should have never returned.
~Garrett~
“You’re quieter than normal,” my sister said as she joined me on her sofa and handed me a glass of her homemade sweet tea.
Besides my niece and nephew, it was one of the main reasons I showed up here on a regular basis. Clare made a killer glass of sweet tea.
“Sorry. I’m just lost in my own thoughts.”
She took a long sip from her own glass and watched me do the same thing. It was a lazy Sunday afternoon, and we’d just finished up having a late lunch. The kids were playing outside with Logan. Clare had cornered me on my way out and talked me into a drink and a nice brother-sister chat.
I should have known better.
“Hmm…it wouldn’t have anything to do with Mia coming back into town, would it?”
It would have everything to do with Mia coming back into town, into my life, into my every thought.
“No, she’s fine. It’s not a big deal,” I said, trying to brush it off.
“You’re a terrible liar, Garrett.”
“Am not.”
“You so are! Remember when we were kids, and I asked you what happened to my goldfish from the state fair?”
“It died,” I answered flatly.
“Only because you and your friends tried to see if a fish would actually get flushed down the toilet!” she cried.
“Well, I didn’t actually think it would happen,” I replied with a shrug.
“How is that possible?”
“Tim said it would swim against the current, like a salmon.”
“Well, poor Goldie died because of your little experiment.”
“I’m sure she made it out to the ocean,” I encouraged.
“We live almost two hours from the ocean, Garrett!” This time, the loud voice was followed up by a punch to the arm.
“Ouch.” I laughed. “Okay, the river maybe? Whatever. It was a fish, and I am a perfectly good liar.”
“So, why don’t you tell me why you are sitting on my couch when you should be flying home from New York?”
Shit. I didn’t think about that.
“Something came up, and we needed to cut the trip short,” I said quickly, trying not to remember the night that had sent me running back home, away from Mia and our past.
I’d dropped her off and left in a hurry, intent on ending this so-called friendship we’d started. No good could come from it. I’d been resolute in my decision. I’d even called a contractor to come in on Monday to finish the installation on her floors in hopes that my guilt at not finishing would be lessened.
Not even twenty-four hours later, I already missed her.
Clare huffed out a breath and stared down at her half-empty glass. She ran her finger along the condensation and made a little heart on the glass. “Look, I know that you are closer with Leah. I get that, and I’ve always been glad that you two were able to form such a close bond. But I’m still your sister. I’m here for you.”
“I know, Clare, but this is shit I haven’t told anyone.”
“So, why not start with me?”
When something had been bottled up inside for so long, buried so deep, it took a long time to be able to dig it up again. I finished off my glass of tea and set it on the coffee table. I watched the ice start to melt. Clare didn’t say anything and didn’t pressure me. She just sat patiently and waited.
“Mia and I were supposed to get married.”
I heard my sister audibly gasp.
She set down her tea and leaned forward. “What? When?”
“The summer after graduation.”
“Why did I not know this?”
I looked down at my hands, remembering the night we’d gotten engaged. Lying on the blanket, I’d held her hand up in the air as we watched the tiny diamond twinkle and sparkle under the moonlight. She’d wanted to get me an engagement ring so that everyone knew I was hers. I’d told her that was unnecessary. She’d already marked every part of me.
“I never told Mom or Dad. I had planned to. We were going to tell them together, right after graduation.”
Understanding spread across Clare’s face as I looked up at her.
“But she left,” she said.
I nodded. “She left town and never came back. I never heard a single word from her. She left me a note saying she couldn’t go through with it, and that was it.”
I remembered driving home in the pouring rain as the Southern sky went aglow with lightning. I could hear the roaring and grumbling of thunder as I’d parked the car in the front of my parents’ house. My clothes had been soaked through from standing outside Mia’s house, staring at that letter. It had still been in my hand. I’d held on to it the entire way home, fearing I’d lose the last thing I had of her.
I’d carried out our plans alone, hoping she would come find me. I’d thought she must have panicked, been frightened and run off, but she’d return to me still carrying that little miracle, and we would be happy.
She’ll come back, I’d told myself. She’s just scared, and she’ll come back.
I’d told myself that every day until the baby’s due date. I had been finishing up my finals at the school we were both supposed to attend, and I’d felt numb.
But she hadn’t come back.
That day, I’d gotten the tattoo on my arm, and then the anger had started to settle in. It had stuck around ever since. I hated what she’d done to us and our future, yet I couldn’t hate her. I’d tried, but it was like rejecting a part of myself.
Even now, I was protecting her—omitting some of the truth from Clare to keep Mia safe. Part of me wanted to throw Mia under the bus and tell my sister exactly what Mia had done, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t hate her, and I couldn’t willingly hurt her either.