“Memories of our loved ones shouldn’t make us sad after they’re gone. Happy memories should make us happy. Why don’t you try to think of all the happy memories you had with your Papa every time you eat an M&M?”
She twirled her strawberry-blonde curls and contemplated my advice. Finally, she gave me a ghost of a smile. “Well, I do love M&M’s,” she said.
“And you love your Papa. It’s perfect.”
She cuddled with me for a few minutes and talked about her brother. He was currently running around the room, chasing Leah’s daughter, Lily. They were both oblivious to what was going on. Their laughter and cries of glee were misplaced but a welcome change to the mournful atmosphere of the room. Sometimes, being so young must be a blissful alternative.
Garrett was in the corner, speaking with Leah, but his eyes were on me, and I wondered how long he’d been watching me.
The door opened, and the annoying woman from earlier entered.
“It’s time, if you’re ready,” she said, giving her best sad, empathetic face.
Laura, Garrett’s mother stood in front, and everyone paired off behind her. Clare went to Logan, Leah found Declan, and Garrett stood next to me. All the kids attached themselves to their parents, and we lined up. The other family members were already seated. Only the immediate family would be ushered in, and the fact that they had always included Leah made me love their family even more. The Finnegan’s always welcomed everyone into their home with open arms, but Leah was special. Leah was family, regardless of blood ties.
Garrett’s hand sought mine, and I turned to find him standing next to me with his eyes closed. He was breathing heavily through his mouth, like he was gearing up for a fight.
Taking a step, I moved in front of him and placed my hand on his erratically beating heart. His eyes opened and locked on mine.
“I’m right here, okay?”
He nodded, and I fell back into line. We took our first steps out of the room toward the sanctuary.
~Garrett~
Every step we took closer to those double doors leading to my father lying lifeless in a casket made me want to turn and run even more.
Ever since Mia had left, I’d been surviving life by avoiding everything. I hadn’t wanted to move on, so I didn’t. I’d immersed myself in college. When that had been over, I’d become a workaholic, all so I could avoid having to deal with the fact that she’d left, and I’d have to find someone else.
I had used avoidance as my crutch for my entire adult life.
As I walked into that sanctuary and found so many eyes on us, I really wanted to turn and run. I could just get in my car and go anywhere just to avoid this new reality that was now my life.
My father was a well-respected man in our community, and seeing so many people attending his funeral should have made me proud, but it didn’t.
It just made it real, and I didn’t want to face it.
Curled up on my bed with a bottle of tequila had made it easy to forget what I’d seen in that hospital room. The alcohol had made everything dull and fuzzy. It had eased the pain and made the hurt go away.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said.
My sister clutched my hand outside my father’s room in the ICU. “Just talk to him, Garrett. That’s what I did.” Her eyes were red and puffy from the tears she’d shed.
We were all saying good-bye. I had held out, hanging back in the hallway, until there was no one left but me. It was now or never.
Clare squeezed my hand one last time, and I took the remaining steps into the darkened room holding my father. The room beeped and echoed as the machines did their work.
Just one look at him brought me to my knees. The tears rolled down my face, and my chest heaved. Oh God, why?
There were tubes and wires everywhere. He looked nothing like the man who I’d seen just days earlier. This made it real. They’d told me he was dying, but seeing him made it a reality.
I was losing my father.
With shaky limbs, I managed to reach his bedside, and I took his lifeless hand. “Hey, Dad, it’s me. Where do I even begin?”
I hadn’t been able to say enough that day. How could I say good-bye to the greatest father in the world?
Sitting down on those uncomfortable church pews with my family brought everything rushing back with crystal-clear clarity.
There were programs and boxes of Kleenex laid out on the pews, and I had to move them to sit down next to Mia. She picked up a program and handed it to me. On the front was a picture of my dad. Dressed in his signature Hawaiian shirt and khakis he loved to wear so much in the summer, he looked happy with a huge grin that took up his entire face.
Mia’s grip on my hand never failed, and she leaned into me. Feeling her beside me anchored me in a way I couldn’t explain. The feeling to run was still there, but with her here, I felt grounded. Every time I felt like the walls were collapsing around me, her steady hand was there to help pull me through to the other side.
My eyes focused on the casket and wouldn’t budge. My mother had chosen a closed casket, and I was thankful. The last memory of my father was hard enough without having to see him embalmed and lifeless.
A minister I didn’t know took the podium and began quoting scripture before speaking about my father. I guessed he knew my father. My parents had attended this church for a while, and my dad was a social guy. Everyone had loved him.
Everyone loved him—past tense.
I didn’t like talking about my father in past tense. It made me angry.
Finally, the minister opened the podium to family members. My mom had mentioned this part to us last night. She’d wanted to give all of us the opportunity to speak about Dad if we wanted.
Logan was the first to take the podium. “Hi, my name is Logan Matthews, and I was lucky enough to call Thomas Finnegan, Dad. The first time I met him was about four years ago at one of their famous cookouts. I was scared to death. I was dating his daughter, and I was convinced he was going to kill me.”
The audience chuckled a bit, and Logan gave a hint of a smile.
“He took one look at me, and I thought I was a goner. When he pulled me to the side and started grilling me, I thought for sure I’d never see Clare or Maddie again, and they’d find my body floating along the James River. Something I said must have convinced him I was good enough for them because he pulled me into a tight hug and welcomed me to the family…just like that.”
The room was silent, and Logan was fighting back tears.
“Sometimes, the people who give us life aren’t capable to take on the role of a parent, so we spend a lifetime trying to find someone to fill that gaping hole in our heart. Thomas Finnegan was that person for me. He was the only real father figure I’ve ever known, and I am so lucky that I had him in my life. He gave me the love of my life and a family. I will be indebted to him for the rest of my days.”