Their being together right now didn’t bother her as much as she’d thought it would. She doubted it was anything more than two hurting people reaching out to each other. Of course, things happened in those situations, as Kelsey and Evan had certainly proven this past week, but…surely not with them. Courtney had her chance. Evan didn’t seem interested and if Courtney wanted Todd, loved Todd, she could damn sure have him. Kelsey certainly wasn’t here to stand in her way.
She’d meant to make one last desperate attempt to catch Evan and explain her thoughtless words. But he obviously wasn’t interested. She didn’t think she’d ever heard him like that before. Not about her.
It was really over. And she couldn’t face the family up on the fourth floor right now, not with her heart bleeding like a war wound. There was only one person she could think of to go to for solace, and Kelsey prayed they hadn’t discharged her yet.
The maternity ward on the third floor was bustling with happy families and nurses in their bright-colored scrubs. Tiny baby wails drifted through the air. Kelsey stopped at the huge window looking into the nursery, where probably a dozen babies were lying in their cribs, some kicking and wriggling, some sleeping. Some wrapped in pink, some in blue. The name tag at the end of one read “Scott” in pink, and it was empty. A tired-looking nurse sitting at a computer at the nurse’s station told her which room Lisa was in.
Kelsey’s last remaining best friend was alone and propped up in bed, surrounded by flowers and balloons, cooing down at the pink bundle in her arms. She looked over when the door clicked shut. “Kelsey!”
“Hey, skinny. Oh, let me see…” She made her way to the bed and leaned over to peek at a perfect little face, ignoring her friend’s incredulous stare.
“Okay, I know you love me, but this is ridiculous.”
“When are they letting you go home?”
“In the morning. I probably could have left today but I finagled another night until my mom gets here.”
“Like you need help, Supermom.”
“I don’t need it, but I certainly won’t turn it down. Remember, Daniel lives in a state of panic during the newborn stage.” Lisa snapped her fingers in Kelsey’s face. “Hey. Look at me. Why are you here?”
Sighing, Kelsey turned away to drag a chair over to the bed. She dropped into it and rubbed her face hard with her hands. “I guess I blew it.”
“What happened?”
“Todd had a wreck last night, a bad one. Sandra called and…”
Understanding slid across Lisa’s expression. “Here you are.”
“Here I am.”
Lisa’s head fell back on her pillow. “Oh, you moron. Buzz the nurse if my blood pressure skyrockets.”
“It was a life-and-death situation and—”
“And what? You could somehow affect which way it went by being here?”
“Sandra asked me to come. She wanted me here. I’m far away from my own parents and she has always been there for me, like another mom.”
“So you’re here for her.”
“Well…yes…”
Lisa’s eyebrows lifted. “But…?”
“I don’t wish death on the man. I was with him for eight years of my life.”
“And he didn’t want you in his anymore, life, death or otherwise. So there.”
Kelsey dropped her head in her hands and rubbed her temples. “I was hoping you’d help me feel better, not worse.”
“You should have known better. Showing up in my damn hospital room when you should still be in Hawaii falling in love with a guy who I predict would never hurt you like that. I’m sorry if I sound coldhearted, but if Daniel had done to me what Todd did to you—”
“You don’t know how you’d feel,” Kelsey spat. “You’ve never been there.”
Lisa leveled her with silent wrath in her gaze. “Fine. Is Todd all right?”
“He’s been awake here and there. They’re optimistic now.”
“So what are you doing here? Go tell him you forgive him and beg him to take you back. Tell him you’ll be his own Florence Nightingale to nurse him back to health.”
“What? No. That’s not what I want.”
“Then you had better go tell that to Evan, and make him believe it, and pray he forgives you. God, Kelsey, I’m about to drop the ‘f’ bomb in front of my newborn daughter. And it’ll be all your fault.”
“It’s pointless.”
“You have to try. You have to bite the bullet on this one. This is your screw-up.”
“I know. He said he understands, but…I know he doesn’t.”
“Honey, he’s a man. You just trounced all over his ego, and after he’s spent all week marking his territory, his territory suddenly up and flew back to the mutt it belonged to before. You have to do whatever it takes to let this go, or you and Evan will never make it. You’ll never make it with anyone.”
Kelsey nodded, picking at her fingernails. “I know,” she said again. She dared a glance at her friend, whose brow was furrowed in concern. Lisa’s blonde hair was pinned up and she hadn’t a speck of makeup on. She supposed they both looked the same, except Lisa wasn’t wearing the physical manifestations of emotional turmoil on her face. “You look great,” Kelsey told her. “Really. You look happy.”
“Quit trying to butter me up. Come here, you.” Lisa held one arm out and Kelsey went in for the hug, careful not to jostle Meagan. “I suggest you try ‘happy’ for a change, okay?” Kelsey nodded against her shoulder as Lisa patted her back. “It’ll be okay, hon.”
“You’ve got this mom thing down, that’s for sure,” Kelsey laughed, pulling back. She wiped her eyes. “We got a ton of stuff for her, but it’s all in Evan’s truck.” Her heart twisted into a painful knot at the memory of how much fun they’d had together picking out the clothes and toys. It seemed like a lifetime ago, though it had only been a couple of days.
“Well, there’s your perfect excuse.”
“No, he said he’d leave it all at his house and his brother would let me in to get it. He’s working late tonight, I guess.” Or he could be consoling Courtney all night, you know. Reminiscing over coffee turns into an outpouring of regrets turns into her crying in his arms… It seemed the more time went by, the more those thoughts crept in. Began to take hold and turn her vision red.
“I just don’t find that acceptable,” Lisa said. “Do you?”
Kelsey shrugged. The aching knot of her heart had just spun in place at the thought of facing him. “I don’t want to bother him right now. He needs to cool off. You should have seen him. He wouldn’t even look at me.”
“Quit backing down. You were so close. Isn’t he worth fighting for?”
He was. He was so worth it. And she was so, so scared. “Worth getting my heart splattered all over hell just like all the others before me?”
Lisa didn’t reply, only sighed heavily. Kelsey forced a smile and nodded toward Meagan dozing in her mother’s arms. “Now, if we’re done with all that, I really need to hold that baby, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course. Baby therapy always helps.”
She tried to shove all thoughts aside as Lisa put Meagan into her arms, but found it wasn’t easy. Newborns always enamored her, from their little wrinkled fingers to unbelievably tiny toes. She could have sat forever holding her. Meagan already had her mother’s lips and just a tuft of her dad’s brown hair. Kelsey smoothed it down, imagining if Evan ever had kids, they’d all have hair just like his—so thick and black it seemed genetically inescapable. Hopefully, they’d be blessed with his green eyes as well. If only she could be lucky enough to be their mom, then maybe that hair would have a bit of unruly curl, and those eyes would have a roundness that somewhat softened the piercing intensity of their color…
Lisa napped for a bit, and Kelsey took the opportunity to shed the tears she’d been holding back as she stared down into the baby’s tiny sleeping face. Watching her yawn, smack her little lips, wrap her tiny fingers around Kelsey’s own with a surprisingly firm grip. Try happy for a change.
When she’d said her wedding vows, she’d taken them seriously, and she’d meant them to last forever. She never would have broken them. That was part of the pain of it all. Todd hadn’t felt the same way. So she was adrift, for some reason feeling bound by words to a man who had cut her ruthlessly from his life. Even being with Evan this week, heavenly as it had been, had felt like a betrayal. Wrong. Not because of any lingering love she felt for Todd, but some twisted sense of faithfulness.
That wasn’t twenty-first century thinking, but it was the values she’d been raised with.
Lisa was right. Evan was right. Her own heart was right. She couldn’t keep going on like this. Values or no, she had to start letting go. Start standing up for what she wanted.
“Always listen to your mom, little girl. She gives good advice, even if it hurts to hear.” Meagan cracked open one blue eye to gaze up at her and gave a tiny cry of agreement.
God knew she was ready for a change. And some happiness.
Kelsey’s scent still lingered in his truck. Evan slammed the door and gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles were white, fighting himself. He really should go in and get her; he shouldn’t have left her like that. He’d promised not to abandon her again and he’d done just that. But this was where she wanted to be, or else they would still be in Hawaii right now. He would call her later, try to sew his heart back together and continue being there for her no matter what, like he’d told her. It would be the hardest thing he’d ever done in his entire life.
He sat in silence while it seemed all hell raged inside his head. It hurt. God, it hurt. More than it had when Courtney betrayed him, more than it had ever hurt when a relationship ended. He’d usually been the one ending them, anyway. Kelsey had been like his lifeline through all of that. His one hope, his only assurance that maybe there was someone else like her out there. That maybe that elusive she really existed, just waiting for him to find her.
It had been her all along.
If that was the case, then bachelorhood for life was looking pretty appealing right now. He would learn to listen to his damn head one day. The one that could pick apart the most intricate details of a case, argue them and win. Not the one that kept screwing up his life.
He’d wanted to tell Courtney that if she truly loved Todd she needed to fight for him, and may the best woman win. But somehow that seemed like a betrayal of Kelsey. If Todd was who she wanted, if he was who would make her happy, Evan didn’t want to sabotage that for her. Maybe Todd had learned his lesson and they would work it out this time. Have their happily ever after. But they’d do it without Evan anywhere near their white-picket-fence-two-point-three-kids American dream…
Of course, that would mean going back on his promise to her. Shit.