Chapter 19
“Start at the beginning, Ash, and tell me everything.”
There was no way I’d tell him everything. I stared out at the road as Beau’s truck drove away. The silence was deafening as Sawyer waited for me to speak.
“This summer, Beau and I rekindled our friendship. We were close once, Sawyer, you know that.” I paused and took a deep breath. “He understands me. He knows when I’m full of bull crap and he knows I’m not perfect even though I try really hard to be. With Beau I can let myself go and not worry about losing his friendship.”
“So, this is a friends thing? Because the way he was caressing your mouth and eating you up with his eyes I find that a little hard to believe.”
“All it can ever be with Beau is friendship. He knows that. Beau is affectionate. He touches a lot of girls’ lips.”
Sawyer raised his eyebrows as if he thought what I was saying was ludicrous.
“I don’t know if we’re talking about the same guy but Beau, my cousin Beau, doesn’t longingly gaze at anyone the way I just caught him staring at you. You’re too naive to see it but trust me, baby, he wants you and I’m going to kick his ass.”
Okay, that wasn’t what I’d been aiming for. Blame on me not Beau. I needed to redirect this anger of his.
“You misunderstood what you saw. He was trying to talk me out of what I’d decided to do today. He believes you and I are supposed to be forever. I don’t think so. We’re young and I need space. I’m not ready to talk about marrying you one day. That scares me. There is so much life out there to live first. Beau thinks I’m making a mistake because he thinks you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. What you saw was your cousin trying to persuade me not to break up with you.”
The look of disbelief and shock that came over Sawyer’s face was a little insulting. Why was it so hard for him to believe I’d break up with him?
“You, you’re . . . breaking up with me?” He shook his head and stepped back away from me. His face had gone pale as if I’d just told him he’d never play football again. This wasn’t the end of the world.
“I pretend with you, Sawyer. I’m not the good girl you think I am. You love this fake Ashton. I’ve been striving to be worthy of you for so long and I’m exhausted. I don’t like returning the stupid buggies to the return place in the parking lot and I don’t like feeling as if I have to be good Samaritan to everyone I come across. Sometimes I just want to run off and worry about ME. I’m selfish and ornery and just a big ol’ fake. This girl you love and want to marry doesn’t exist.”
It was as if a weight had just been lifted off my shoulders. The air rushed into my lungs and for the first time in three years I took a deep breath.
“That’s crazy,” Sawyer said, shaking his head. I was so close to freedom now I could taste it. Standing here and listening to him try to convince me I didn’t know what I was talking about annoyed me. But I could control this now. The real Ashton had a backbone.
“No, it’s the truth. I want to go parking and make out so heavy my bra gets lost under the seat of the car. I want to flip Nicole a bird when she glares at me in the hallways at school. And I want to wear my red bikini and enjoy the fact guys are checking me out. I’m not who you think I am. I never was and I never will be.”
I closed the space between us and stood on my tippy toes and placed a quick peck on his cheek. The familiar smell of his cologne caused my chest to tighten with emotion. I’d miss him but not enough to be someone else to have him. He saw me differently now. I could see it in his expression. The emotion churning in his blue eyes as he finally saw me for who I really am was bittersweet. I spun around and jogged out to my Jetta. Without another glance back I drove off. For the first time ever I left church before it was over.
Leann was sitting on the front steps of the three-story ancient brick dormitory she’d been placed in this year when I pulled into the parking lot. From here I could see her nibbling on her right thumb nail. Leann only mauled her thumb nail when she was nervous. I’d been vague on my reason for coming when I’d called once I decided where I was going to go. I swooped into an empty parking spot. Telling someone everything had become essential on my drive up here. I needed to get this off my chest. A tap on my window startled me and I glanced over to see Leann still nibbling her thumb nail with a frown puckering her brow. Forcing a smile I opened the door and she stepped back so I could get out.
“I swear I think I grew grey hair waiting on you to get here,” she said, reaching for my arm and pulling me into a hug. “I can’t believe you’re here and I can’t believe you left church early without telling anyone where you were going.”
I pulled back and met her gaze. “I didn’t tell you that.”
She rolled her big brown eyes and hooked her arm through mine, steering me toward the dorm. “Sweetie, the moment it was apparent you weren’t returning to the church service I received a text from my Aunt Linda and Kayla then Kyle posted it on his Facebook wall.”
I groaned and laid my head over on her shoulder. Leann patted my arm and led me over to sit at a secluded bench placed in the shade of a large oak tree. Plopping down she patted the empty spot beside her. “Come on and spill. The suspense is killing me. Never have you been the cause of gossip. This has got to be good.”
I shifted on the wooden sit and studied my hands in my lap. Admitting this was one thing. Actually looking Leann in the face while I shared all my faults with her was another. We’d been friends for three years and not one time had I ever mentioned even a mild attraction to Beau.
“You know Beau and I were close as kids . . .” I decided to start there. It seemed like the best place.
“Oh good God, you mean to tell me this has something to do with BEAU? Beau Vincent?”
I cringed and nodded my head without glancing up at her.
“Yes, it has everything to do with Beau,” I whispered.
Leann’s hand covered mine and I took some comfort in the gesture.
“Oh my dear lord, this is gonna be much worse than I imagined,” she replied.
“This summer Beau and I started spending time together. You were with Noah or working and Sawyer was gone. I thought it would be good to rekindle the friendship Beau and I once shared.”
Leann squeezed my hands and I continued to explain how we’d gone swimming at the hole, watched a movie at my house, played pool at the bar where his mother worked, and then I paused, knowing what I told her next was going to be hard for her to comprehend. After all, I was the good girl.
“That night in the back of his truck, Beau and I . . . we . . .” I swallowed hard and squeezed my eyes shut, “had sex.”
Leann let go of my hands and slipped her arm around my shoulder instead.
“Wow,” was her only response.
“I know. It wasn’t the only time either and, and although I know it won’t happen again . . . I think . . . I think I love him. Maybe I always have. No. I know I always have. When I’m with Beau I feel things I’ve never felt with Sawyer. I can be me. There’s no pretending. Beau knows my worst flaws.”
“The heart wants who the heart wants. We can’t help that,” Leann said.
I sighed and finally lifted my eyes to meet hers. The unshed tears blurred my vision.
“But I’ve ruined his life. All he ever had was Sawyer. Make no mistake, I went after Beau. I can look back and see it now. This is all my fault. I should have never come between them.” I sniffled and buried my head in her shoulder.
“Beau could have said no. He knew he was destroying his relationship with Sawyer every moment he spent with you. Don’t you take all the blame for this.” The stern tone in Leann’s voice only caused me to cry harder. Beau needed Sawyer. He might not realize it but he did. Somehow I had to make it right.
“How do I fix this? How do I help Beau get Sawyer back?”
“You can’t fix this for them. Beau knew what he was doing, Ash. He chose you over Sawyer. Now you’ve let Sawyer go, are you going to choose Beau?”
I wiped the tears from my cheeks and peered up at her. “Choosing Beau will cause everyone in Grove to hate him. They’ll all see him as the guy who took Sawyer’s girl away. I can’t do that to him.”
Leann shrugged. “I don’t think Beau cares about everyone else. He made that apparent when he decided sneaking around with his cousin’s girl was what he wanted to do. He has to love you, Ash. Never in this lifetime would I have thought Beau would do anything to hurt Sawyer. He loves him. So that can only mean he loves you more.” She reached down and patted my shoulder. “Question is, do you love him as fiercely? Are you willing to snub your nose at your family and the people in town in order to have him?”