It tied me to her tighter than ever. Eventually I learned it tied her to me as well.
We’d been living with Bryan for almost a year when he proposed.
“I think you should marry me.” It had come from out of the blue. I’d learned to tune out most of their conversations, and I’d been surprised I’d even caught it.
“What?” Amber had said, echoing my own surprise.
“Marry me.” His tone was so sweet. So sincere. So romantic in its simplicity. “Yes, I’m more than twice your age, and my ex will have a field day with the news, but who the fuck cares? I love you. I can make you happy. Let’s get married.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Her voice sounded tight and I’d wondered if she was fighting tears or if she was already crying.
“Yes. You could say yes.” His boyish exuberance in that moment endeared him to me more than anything before had.
“I love you, too, but…” She’d trailed off, and when she’d spoken again, her voice had been stronger. “What about Emily?”
What about Emily? Yeah, what about Emily?
“Emily too! I can only legally marry you, but for all intents and purposes, she’ll be part of the family. As far as I’m concerned, you’re a package deal. You love her, you know I’m fond of her, and she’s an absolute essential part of our sex life. So let’s make it official. We’ll be scandalous and depraved – you, a knockout of a wife, and Em, our live-in mistress. Everyone will judge and talk about us behind our backs but mostly just because they’re jealous.”
I had to stifle a laugh. It wasn’t funny, I was just happy. Happy for her, even as I knew that living that arrangement for the rest of my life would kill me. Even as I knew that I’d say yes right along with her. Because it was everything that she’d ever wanted in all the ways it was everything I’d never wanted at all.
But she hesitated. “I don’t know.”
“Are you worried Em will feel left out? I’ll do everything to make sure she doesn’t. I’ll buy you both rings. She can wear hers on her right hand if she wants or around her neck. And I’ll make sure she’s listed as a primary beneficiary. After you, of course.”
“Can I think about it?”
I choked back the lump in my throat. It was so obvious to me that she’d already made up her mind, but dear, sweet Bryan either didn’t know her well enough or was too optimistic to see the truth.
“Yes. Think about it,” he’d said. “Then when you’re done thinking about it, say yes.”
We’d moved out before a week had passed.
We’d left the cowardly way – packing up our belongings one morning while he was at work, not leaving so much as a note of explanation. “He’d try to stop us if we said good-bye in person,” Amber had said.
“Tell me again why that would be a bad thing.” But she hadn’t even told me why a first time. Just like she hadn’t told me about Bryan’s proposal. And because I never challenged her decisions, I didn’t push her.
Though we’d been taken care of for the better part of twelve months, we had no money of our own, so we had hawked some of the nicer pieces of jewelry that Bryan had gifted us, including a diamond ring I hadn’t seen until it was on the counter before the loan shark. That baby bought us enough for two months’ rent at a dump of a motel in Hollywood.
I hadn’t said more than two words at a time to her between the pawnshop and the motel registration. Finally, in our room, I couldn’t hold back any longer. “I know he proposed.” I didn’t bother trying to hide how I felt. I’d been angry that she’d walked away so easily from Bryan. Bitter accusation streaked through both my words and my body language.
Amber had furrowed her brow, never bothering to look up from the drawer she was arranging. “He told you?” she asked eventually.
“No. I heard you talking. I could hear every word you said when I was out on the balcony, by the way.”
“Ah.” She’d nodded as if that were the end of the conversation.
“Amber.” I had waited until she looked at me. “Why did you say no?”
She’d sighed, but not so heavily that she’d actually relaxed her guard. “I didn’t say no. I just didn’t say yes either.”
“Why not?” I’d stomped my foot, demanding for her to take me seriously. “Why the hell not? He’s the most decent guy we’ve ever been with. And I think he actually loves you. I mean, besides just for what you do in the bedroom.”
Her expression had tightened. “I know. I think so too.” She’d shut the dresser drawer and pivoted toward me. “He wanted both of us.”
It had been my turn to furrow my brow. “Is that why you left?” I’d been so perplexed by all of it, I hadn’t been able to come up with a theory. Had it really been as simple as not wanting to share?
I’d taken a step toward her. “Amber, we don’t have to be a ménage à trois. If you had wanted him to yourself, all you had to do was tell me.”
She’d smiled. “It’s not that.”
“Then what was it?” I’d been beyond frustrated, desperate to understand her as well as I’d hoped she’d understand me.
“He wasn’t what you wanted.”
Her answer had taken me aback. Amber had always led me through life and I’d always followed. Not once had we ever stopped to talk about what either of us had wanted.