I giggled nervously and pivoted toward her, wishing I had something solid to lean up against for no other reason but to steady the dizzy buzz of adrenaline.
“You’re right,” she repeated, her expression kind despite the hardness in her eyes. “And I’ve already come to the same conclusion. I have to be true to myself, once and for all. No more running away, no matter how scared I am. Time to ‘grow up,’ as you said. Time to be strong.”
Her speech gathered conviction as it went on, each new phrase sounding more resilient than the one before. I wanted to be proud and assured with her, but the more her confidence grew, the more dread seeped into my veins, and I wasn’t sure if it was me being silly or insightful so I tried not to jump to conclusions.
Then she landed at her finale. “Which means I’ve got to fight for what I want.”
With those words, I didn’t have to jump; I just had to take the next step. “And you want Reeve.” It wasn’t a question. I knew the answer as sure as I knew anything.
“I do,” she affirmed. “Maybe there’s no future for us.” No future for us. It echoed in my head. “We have our issues – I won’t lie about that. You’ve heard some of it. He’s nearly impossible. Well, you know him now. He’s controlling and obstinate and difficult.”
“Yeah. He’s all those things, all right.” My words sounded clipped, purposefully so. I had to draw back. Had to close myself off. Had to put up my guard. Because there was no way I’d be able to take her on if I let myself be compassionate.
And I would take her on. I was already preparing my attack. My only hesitation was in trying to figure out – did she really not know that I belonged to him? Or was her ignorance an act? If it was an act, did she think her hold on me was so strong that I’d quietly step out of the way just because she’d asked?
If she did believe that, I couldn’t blame her. She was almost right. She did own me like that. Just, he owned me like that now, too.
“I love him,” she said, sounding like she was a million miles away despite her bold declaration. “Love counts for something, doesn’t it?”
“I wouldn’t be here if it didn’t.” My smile was genuine. “You know that’s why I came for you, right? Because I love you?” I hoped she truly believed that before I told her the rest – that I loved Reeve too. That he loved me as well.
“Yes. I do.” She paused, and I was about to give my thoughts on the subject when she continued. “Reeve told me he still loves me, too, you know. So I think we might have a real chance.”
I hadn’t heard her right. I couldn’t have. “He told you he still loves you?”
“Yes. Last night.” In that angel-like way of hers, she beamed.
She might as well have pushed me off the edge because I began to free-fall. Emotionally, anyway. I was still standing in the same place, my feet planted solidly on the roof, but inside, my heart sank like it was on an elevator, descending slowly and steadily, falling with no end in sight.
“What else did he say?” I didn’t know how I’d managed the question, but I heard it, the words circling back to my ears, detached as if someone else had asked it, and I thought briefly how fitting it was that my voice had survived this crash. It was the most recognizable part of me, anyway. I could return to LA, to my life, to my job, and, as long as I could still say my voice-over lines on the set of my show, no one would ever know how completely I’d been destroyed.
This. This was why I never let myself trust.
“He didn’t say a lot.” Amber’s image blurred in front of me. “Just, he apologized. And said he’d changed – which is probably a good thing. Maybe he won’t try to keep me locked up this time.” She laughed.
When I didn’t join her in her amusement, she sobered. “Anyway. That’s when he said he still loved me. I know love isn’t everything, but it’s more than I’ve tried to build a life on before. So I’m hopeful. It’s the first time I’ve been hopeful in a really long time.”
“That makes me really happy for you, Amber.” It wasn’t a lie, exactly. I did feel happy for her in some strange part of me that could separate us. Separate her man from mine. That part of me was as hopeful as she was. That part of me was so excited and touched that it didn’t seem odd that my eyes were watering.
Even though it wasn’t that part of me that had the tears.
“You deserve it.” I forced a smile.
She met it with a modest smile of her own. “I don’t know that I’d go that far.”
“No. You do. Everyone deserves to have hope.” Even me.
And right now, my hope was that Amber was lying.
CHAPTER 12
After helping Amber back inside and down from the attic, I made some vague excuse to leave her and search for Reeve.
“He’s out with the Callahans,” Parker, the stable manager, told me when I found him out in the shed, putting gas in an ATV. “They’re branding the calves up at the cowshed in the east pasture.”
The doors of the shed were propped open so I squinted out over the property and pointed toward one of the trails. “That one? The one on the north side of the house?”
“Yep.”
I was already heading out when he shouted after me, “It’s a little more than a mile out there. If you want to give me fifteen or so to finish up, I can drive you.”
“In fifteen minutes I’ll already be there.” I didn’t wait for his response, half afraid he’d try to talk me out of going alone. It was already a bad idea to talk to Reeve about this while he was trying to work. At least, I could keep Parker out of it.